I sent my little guy off to school today with green hair (It was crazy hair and casual dress day with a gold coin donation to raise money for the school fete). We were running a bit late so the school bell had already rung and we didn't see any other school kids. My son made me ask the lollipop lady at the school crossing if other kids had crazy hair too. Of course they did! But I understood where my son was coming from. He had a moment of insecurity that we got the day wrong and he would be the only one turning up with crazy hair and casual clothes.
I remember that feeling so well. I remember when I was about 10 or 11 and desperately wanting to be like everyone else. That fear of being different. Wanting approval so badly. Always feeling not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough (yes, even at such a young age!), not anything enough. Just always 'less than'. And it stayed with me all my life.
Since I've been going to AA meetings, it's a theme I've heard over and over again. That feeling of being different to everyone else. I used to think it was just me. That there was something wrong with ME. And it is such a relief to know that I am not the only one who feels like this.
Now that I have found sobriety, I have started to work on this. I tell myself that I am enough. That I AM good enough. That even if I am different, it doesn't matter, that it's okay. I am trying to be kind to myself and to like myself, and tell myself that I am loved. I tell myself that it doesn't matter what other people think of me, that not everyone will like me, but that's okay too. It's not always easy. But I have to remind myself that I can't change a life time of feelings in a few days or months, so I am trying to be patient with myself.
I guess it's about self-care. It's something that I have ignored all my drinking life, so I really need to do this for myself now in order to heal. It's going to take time, but I am determined! I am going to see a therapist (I just have to build up the courage to make the appointment!) so hopefully that will help. I am taking the medication and that is helping with my anxiety, which I lived with for years.
I hope the insecurity my son felt this morning is fleeting. That it won't become crippling like it was for me. I hope he grows up to be a well adjusted, confident and happy young man.
I am getting there, slowly. Baby steps.
A x
Great post Angie! Going to a therapist has helped me immensely in my recovery! I can always use assistance working on the "new" me!! xo
ReplyDeleteThanks Sa53, I think I need help too. Still haven't made my appointment. I'll do it on Monday! A x
DeleteOh wow...me too! I'm exactly the same. Also on dress up days at school my eldest won't get out of the car until we see someone else dressed up too. I remember in year 6 just feeling different to everyone else, I felt on the outside. Like they were living and I was watching. That feeling has followed me since then. In fact since I stopped drinking it's back more than ever. That's so strange you wrote about it. I've been wondering lately why I feel like this. At school I always feel all the other mums are in on something,I'm left out of...I know it's all in my head. I can't shake it though. Are you overly sensitive to things? I am. I think drinking helped me mask all of this and that's part of the reason I loved it so much. I think everyone on the planet is better than me, I wish I could look at myself the way I look at others. It's nice to know you are working on this and you are right it will take time. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way! PDTG
ReplyDeleteYes, I am over sensitive too. It drives me crazy! And I know what you mean about the school yard. I'm getting better but I still have my moments. So many things to work on! It's good to know I'm not alone. A
Deletego angie, you are a great mum...love kats
ReplyDeleteThanks Kats, that's very sweet of you. A x
DeleteGreat post, Angie! Learning this has been important for me, too. Really good to read how you're growing, and how the AA is helping you so much. xo
ReplyDeleteThanks Thirsty, hopefully I will get there eventually. It's hard sometimes but it has to be better to how I was living before! A x
DeleteWhat your son experienced was absolutely normal for every kid and kids need to fit in so it can be scary. You sound like a lovely mum and you will help and support him with these feelings as he grows. Only worry about anxiety in him if it shows up and STAYS, all kids get a bit anxious, it's when it spirals that it can develop. Your words here resonate with me and how I felt too growing up. I think that is why many of us are here. So proud of you and hope to be like you too.
ReplyDeleteThank you Ginger. It's good being aware so I can watch him closely for signs of anxiety. I know with myself I bottled it all up so mum probably didn't even know I was feeling that way (I still do this!) You are doing great Ginger. Getting closer to 100 days! A x
DeleteOh this really resonated Angie - I was a constant "worrier" - and it's such a hard habit to break. Great post.x
ReplyDeleteThanks Jackie. I constantly worry too. But I'm trying to change. Better late than never I suppose! A x
DeleteOne Day At A Time. I hate cliches when I started in the program. But it is absolutely true.
ReplyDeleteOne day at a time has really worked for me this time. Before, the thought of forever derailed me every time. One day at a time I can handle. A x
DeleteI think many kids go through that last minute insecurity over special days at school. I've lost count of how many times my boys start to panic at drop off until they see that their friends are also dressed up for the day. Good on you to recognize that it's going to take some time to unwind the recordings in your brain. I suspect we'll be working on self care for the rest of our sober and gorgeous lives!
ReplyDeleteSober and gorgeous lives.. I love it! We are lucky that we get to be on this journey of self discovery. I would never be changing for the better if I was still drinking. A x
DeleteAngie, just think!
ReplyDeleteYou never wanted to go to a meeting, and yet you did!
You are strong woman!
You have done so much and made huge changes!
We all have insecurities, some more than others.
Baby steps is a wonderful way to slowly and gently move past them!
xo
Wendy
I think I am getting a little stronger Wendy. And I hope I keep getting stronger and stronger. A x
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