I went to a 50th birthday party last Saturday night. It was the first proper, grown up party I've been to since I got sober. I went there knowing I wouldn't drink. Thinking 'I've got this'. And I did. But it was a challenge.
We got there at 8pm and as soon as we walked in the door we were faced with cocktails! I just said no thanks and had a diet coke. There were a few people there already. Thankfully, there was a couple we knew who we hadn't see for a few years so we chatted to them for a while. I told them I don't drink anymore and they just accepted it, no questions asked, so that was a relief! I had my stash of diet coke caffeine free cans so I was all set.
Mr A was great. He kept my glass full and stayed with me. But he was drinking and as the night wore on, he started to mingle, which was fine. I didn't expect to stay glued to my side ALL night. I met a lovely lady who didn't know that many people either, so we chatted for a while. Then it was time for the speeches and we got separated, so I stood next to Mr A. I was feeling good and thinking this wasn't that hard after all! I can do this.
After the speeches, Mr A got into a discussion with a guy about football. By now he was getting quite tipsy! I was standing next to him awkwardly and felt a bit lost. I desperately looked around for someone to talk to but everyone was chatting to someone else. I didn't feel confident enough to walk up to them and join in the conversation, so I just stood there, feeling more uncomfortable by the minute.
Then a couple of girls I had been talking to earlier tried to drag me onto the dance floor. And I mean they actually grabbed my arm and physically tried to drag me onto the dance floor! But I resisted. I just couldn't do it. Something in me froze and I just couldn't dance.
I love dancing. I used to dance whenever I went out on the town. But that was a long time ago. And it was when I was drinking and had a lot of Dutch courage flowing through my veins. I felt sad the other night. I stood there in a panic, not knowing what to do with myself. I wanted to let my guard down and get out there on the dance floor and just have fun, but I couldn't do it. Maybe if I'd known the people better I could have done it. I don't know. I just know that by now I was feeling really anxious and I just had to get out of there. So I told Mr A that I wanted to leave and he understood. So I said a few goodbyes and he walked me out to the car. It was 11.35pm.
So I drove home, put on my pyjamas, and curled up on the couch with the computer and read my favourite blogs.
I felt disappointed that I didn't last longer at the party. But I'm glad I went and experienced it sober. I know I panicked but before that happened, I was having a good time. I think if I'd known more people it would have been better, maybe I might have even danced. Guess I'll never know!
Mr A got home at 3am and felt pretty miserable on Sunday. All I felt was relief that it wasn't me feeling like that!
So, the next time we go to a big fancy party, I am going to try and relax a bit more. Pretend no one is watching and have a dance. I have to remind myself that it's still early days. 8 months might feel like a long time, but in the big scheme of things, it's not long at all. So I'm not going to be too hard on myself.
A x
Good for you. It does get easier the more you go out. I actually like to dance that way I don't have to make conversation with everyone else who is drinking. You don't have to act as if no one is watching because no one actually is!
ReplyDeleteI was thinking of an expression when I wrote that, 'Dance like no one is watching'. I'm sure it just takes practice to become comfortable in these situations. A x
DeleteYou sound a bit low, but that was actually a major victory! You were feeling uncomfortable, but still kept on the path. You deserve a big sober treat. :)
ReplyDeleteA sober treat huh? I think you're right! I might get my nails done! I've been wanting to for ages, I should just do it. Thanks! A x
DeleteI hear that we need to repeat these ackward environments several times before we are ok doing them sober. You nailed it this time and next time will definitely be better!
ReplyDeleteThanks Ripley. I think it just takes practice becoming comfortable in these situations. Hopefully it will be better next time. It's just as well I don't go out that much! A x
DeleteThat was awesome! Good for you. I agree, that was a major victory. It does get better, and in the end, I promise, you'll be first on the dance floor. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Jackie. I don't think I'll ever be the first on the dance floor but I'd be happy just to get on there at all! A x
DeleteAngie,
ReplyDeleteYou did a great job!
Parties are hard, especially if you drank to help relax.
You came with a drink, you left early, and you realized these things take time!
xo
Wendy
Thanks Wendy, I think you're right, these things just take time. Hopefully the next one will be easier! A x
DeleteAwesome. You had fun. Dancing will come. It's an odd one.
ReplyDeleteI know! I love dancing but I always had alcohol on board when I danced! I am just so shy and I still worry that I will look silly. Hopefully I will be able to get past this. A x
DeleteI had a night like that recently and swore after I wont put myself in that position again. I just can't be ars*d! I am just doing dinners and will go to things if I know lots people and am comfortable I can still have a good chat. I don't know what the solution is. It's too much of a trigger to be out and miserable and thinking drink would make it better. The reality is it wouldn't, I would just guzzle wine and then have to deal with all of the associated mess that brings and the horrible feelings. I feel for you. I do. But I hope you are happy that this is actually working for you(not drinking) and overall you are happier xxx
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly how I felt when I was standing there awkwardly, that I would never do this again! But I want to. I want to have fun even without having to have alcohol on board. I AM happy, and thrilled to be living this sober life. I just need to work on my self confidence and learn to be comfortable in my own skin, because I've never had that before. A x
DeleteHi angie. Defo go out. Sorry if it came across wrong But just go to something: things u enjoy. I don't think a boozy party where everyone is drinking is ever going to appeal and it's hard not to feel left out. But if some closer friends are there it would be better! U are awesome xx
DeleteThanks Kats, I think if I knew more people there I'm sure it would have been a lot more fun. Oh well. I'm going to put it down to a experience and learn from it. A x
DeleteYou did really well. Parties will get easier I think (hope) and they are the odd occasion, thankfully. Next time you will feel more comfortable and then you will be a sober party natural ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks PDTG, yes, they are the odd occasion so I won't be going to many like that, thank goodness! I think I struggled because it was my first sober party. Hopefully next time will be easier! A x
DeleteHey you did the hard thing! Did it really well, too: brought a beverage, had some fun, left when it got too intense--go you! Next time won't be nearly as hard.
ReplyDeleteThanks SamKD, I'm determined that next time will be better. It just takes practice. I'm sober and that's all that matters. A x
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