Gosh, it's been a few weeks since my last post. I've been so slack!!
So, life goes on. Today I am on day 94. Three months since I last had a drink! Time has gone so quickly, I can't quite believe it! It will be Easter before we know it. Slow down time!
Anyway, I have been plodding along quite nicely. We have been taking advantage of the lovely summer evenings and going to our favourite park for bbq dinners. This used to be a great excuse (like I needed one!) to buy a bottle or two and enjoy a drink in such a beautiful setting. But now it's normal for me to just have diet coke and the experience is just as lovely, if not more so as I am really present in the moment. I love these evenings.
One day a couple of weeks ago, I bumped into a friend I hadn't seen for a couple of years. Her husband has been mates with mine for many years but we don't get to catch up much since we all had kids. Anyway, she invited us to their place to dinner the following night as they were having a dinner party. I was a bit nervous because I knew I wouldn't know many people there and I wouldn't have alcohol as a buffer. It turned out to be a pleasant evening, although it was tough at times. As soon as we got there, the wine and champagne was flowing, and in the past I would have had one straight away followed by many more. This time however I just told them I wasn't drinking at the moment (I still haven't been able to come out and say I have quit drinking. Maybe I don't really believe it yet?) They asked me if I was doing Febfast so I said yes, it just seemed easier. There was another couple there who we have met before but hadn't seen for about 5 or 6 years and who I was never particularly close to (the girl is one of those people who is hot and cold, friendly one day and not so much the next) so I was a bit nervous chatting to her, but it was ok in the end. But I will say this about the whole evening. I was super aware that I was the only one not drinking and I had to put a lot of effort into having conversations. It is so much harder without alcohol! Hubby had a few beers, which is fine as he doesn't have a problem, and everyone was drinking but no one seemed drunk. By midnight I was well and truly ready to go home!! I will be honest though and confess that the thought of having a glass of champagne was tempting. But I'm so glad I didn't. Because we all know it wouldn't have been just one glass of champagne!
Another interesting night we had was last Wednesday when we went to a local pub for dinner with C and her hubby. They have been having some family issues lately and it all came out that night. The beer and wine flowed (for them and hubby) and they got more and more vocal as the night wore on. I was happy to offer advice and feedback, and it was good because I could really listen. If I was drinking too I would have been louder and offering my opinion without really listening. By the end of the night though, I was thinking I would be the only one waking up without a hangover the next day!!
I was having a text conversation with my older brother the other night and he was telling me how proud of me he is. He also said he would love to be someone who doesn't drink or smoke, how drinking is such a time waster. I would love for him to enjoy the freedom of living without alcohol. He doesn't drink as much as I did but it's obviously bothering him. He is a single dad and has a 50/50 custody arrangement with his 2 boys, and he tries really hard to set a good example for them. He wants to break the drinking pattern that is so strong in our family history. I hope he can do it. Our other brother (the one who is a 'real' alcoholic) doesn't seem to want to get help at all. It's awful to watch him with his 12 year old son when he is drunk. I fear for both my brother and his son. I'm afraid my brother is going to have to hit rock bottom before realising that he has to stop drinking, and what that may entail.
Not drinking is becoming my normal. Going out to dinner, family functions and with friends without drinking is fine for me now. I still have triggery moments on occasion but they are fleeting. During these moments I play the tape forward and imagine what it would be like if I had that drink. This seems to be working for now. I hope it continues!
I had a horrendously buys shift at work last night! From the moment I was allocated my patients I knew it was going to be busy. Just the thought of all I had to do was overwhelming, so I said a little prayer and asked God to help me get through the day. Thank goodness some of the other nurses helped me, but it was still crazy busy. And it was exactly the sort of night that in the past would have sent me straight to the bottle shop on the way home! "OMG! I need a drink" would have been the first thought to pop into my head as I was finishing up and going home. But last night, even though the thought did pop into my head, I once again played it forward. What would happen if I stopped on the way home and got a bottle (no, it would have to be 2 in case hubby wanted a glass!) and I just didn't want to go there. Because I would end up drinking a whole bottle if not more and today I would have woken up hungover and feeling miserable and it's just not worth it. Nothing would make the night less busy, and I would lose today in the process. So, I got home late last night, had a little whinge to hubby, watched some tv and went to bed late. And I am tired today, but I am not hungover, and that makes all the difference.
When I reached 90 days I contemplated going to an AA meeting just to get a 90 day chip! For some reason, I really wanted one! But I didn't go. One day I will get there. But chip or no chip, 3 months is a great achievement! And I intend to keep going.