Monday 4 January 2016

A sober new year

First of all I'd like to wish you all a very Happy New Year!! I can't quite believe that it's 1016! The years are flying by too fast and I can't quite keep up!

Secondly, I just want to apologise for not replying to your comments on my last posts. I have been away and didn't have a chance to get on my computer.

We got back home on New Year's Eve having spent a fantastic week in the country at mums with all my brothers and their families. It was absolutely wonderful! And the best bit is that I did it all sober!! I enjoyed a sober Christmas and it was such a special day. I got up to watch the little guy see what he got from santa. I wasn't irritable because I wanted to sleep more and I wasn't hungover. I got to see the joy on his face and be truly present in the moment. It was magical. And so so worth it!

I will be honest and admit that there were moments throughout the day when I thought a glass of wine would be nice. But I didn't give in and managed to enjoy the day without having any wine at all. Who would have thought it was possible?! And the beauty of it was that I got to wake up on Boxing Day without a hangover too. And every day afterward. I still had a wonderful time and got to do it all with a clear head.

My family were proud of me too, which is nice. My mum didn't say much about it but that's probably because I didn't say much about it. I just told them that I was having a break to lose weight and feel healthier. That was enough for now.

I felt really sorry for my brother B (he is the one with the drinking problem. I would say he is actually an alcoholic) He would start drinking early in the day, sitting outside by himself and smoking one after the other.  I really felt for my nephew too because he hardly got to spend any time with his dad (B is single so it is just him and his 13 year old son) B wouldn't go to the pool with all of us for a swim. He wouldn't play tennis with his son, or do anything with him really. My nephew really misses out and my heart just breaks for him. I watched my brother and felt helpless. He looked terrible and is so unhealthy. He hated the way our father was with his drinking yet he is exactly the same (without the violence and the coming and going). Why can't he see that? It is so frustrating to watch. I was shocked to see how much beer he consumed in a day. I have no idea how he affords to drink and smoke that much. It is mind boggling. I wanted to talk to him about it but I didn't know where to begin and was a bit nervous to. He desperately needs help.

Today finds me at day 43. I still can't believe it really. It doesn't seem that long ago that I was trapped in that boozy hell. Wanting to stop but not being able to. I'm just so thankful that I did.

I didn't make any New Year's resolutions. But I guess I do have one. And that is to have a happy and sober 2016. I know I am going to have to work hard to make this a reality. It will take lots of self care and determination. I have been wanting to go to an AA meeting for a while now. I almost went once last year but didn't get there. So one of my aims for this year is to go to one. I am gong to wait until little guy is back at school so I can go to a day meeting. I want to keep it private for now. That may change further down the track, who knows. I will also try and write in my blog regularly. Sometimes I lose momentum with it and struggle to get back to it. I feel like I have nothing to say. But I know there is plenty to say. I want to delve into my inner thoughts more. Try and work out why I have this addiction in the first place. I have always pushed my feelings deep inside. Much easier than dealing with them. I may even look into seeing a therapist. We'll see.

I am having an operation next Monday. It is for my endometriosis, and I also have an ovarian cyst that needs removing. I had a similar procedure 3 years ago and I remember anguishing over whether or not to drink the night before. Of course the need for a drink won and I ended up having a few but desperately trying not to have too many. I was so worried that the anaesthetist would be able to smell the alcohol on my breath when he put me under. No need to worry about that this time! I do have a fear of something going wrong though, or of not waking up. It's very frightening. I'll be glad when it's all over. I'm hoping I won't be in as much pain post operatively and that I'll be able to get into some exercise. Maybe I will finally start to lose some weight!

Have a great day everyone and Happy New Year!!

A x







17 comments:

  1. Awesome.

    Hopefully your brother will see you thrive in sobriety and will be motivated to join you!

    At the very least your nephew might see that you are a safe and supportive adult in his life.

    Hug. Try not to worry about your surgery. Your doctor will take good care of you, and worrying on,y gives us wrinkles and grey hair!

    Happy 2016!

    Anne

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Anne. I really hope my brother sees me not drinking and realises that it is possible to live a happy life without alcohol. My nephew is a really good kid. I hope that doesn't change as he gets older and more resentful.
      I will try not to worry about the surgery, but it's hard not to. I always worry that the worst can happen! Thanks for your hug :)
      A x

      Delete
  2. Awesome! You did brilliantly! Well done you! So sorry about your brother. It's scary how drink makes your world smaller and smaller, and your description of him really highlighted that to me. I hope he finds his way out. Good luck with the op. Watch out for the morphine (if you get it). Fabulous high, but - as with all drugs - corresponding down. Big hugs, and happy new year!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks SM. I doubt I'll get morphine, but I hope I get something! Last time I had horrendous pain the evening I got home. I'll be staying overnight this time I think. Thanks for your hugs!
      You're right about alcohol making your world smaller and smaller. My brother's world is pretty small right now. I dearly wish he could realise the possibilities that open up to you when you give up drinking. But I fear he is a long way from that.
      A x

      Delete
  3. I went to my first AA meeting three weeks ago today. I was so terrified and nervous. I was shaking and could hardly speak and almost couldn't believe that I was actually in the room. It was very hard but it was so so good and I have found it so helpful. I have been to a few more meetings since then and will continue to do so. I am 22 days sober.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jeanette, well done on 22 days! That is awesome. I have heard how beneficial meetings can be and I'm curious to see if they would be something that would suit me. Guess I'll never know unless I go to one! Hopefully I will soon. You did well to go to that first one!
      A x

      Delete
  4. Hey angie, so delighted that you're doing well! Christmas can be hard, I found the week before it the worst and then after Christmas day I was cruising it! Can't believe I'm at 8 months, today actually! I have to pinch myself sometimes to believe that I'm talking about me! I can relate to the lack of motivation for blogging, I too find that I have nothing to say but I know I feel better after I blog and when I get some comments then it makes me feel part of a gang! xxx Mtts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are doing brilliantly Mtts! 8 months is awesome! I would be about the same if I hadn't started drinking again after my 100 day challenge. But I can't change anything. I just have to keep going. A x

      Delete
  5. Happy New Year, Angie!!
    So happy you have 43 days!
    Operations can be scary, but you will do just fine!!
    (I've had 11 of them and I still get scared!)
    Love,
    Wendy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Wendy. I am nervous about my operation. I just want it over with. I can't believe you've had 11 of them. You've been so much. I will think of you if I ever start feeling sorry for myself. A x

      Delete
  6. OMG 43 days? Already? Time does fly.
    I am so proud of you going through the holidays sober. I managed but it was hard work.
    Good luck with the surgery. Fingers crossed it will go well. And not drinking and not obsessing about it definitely helps.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Time. Not drinking and obsessing about it definitely helps. Although I find that booze is still always on my mind. Not in a kind of wanting to drink it way, just an being always aware of sobriety way. I guess it will pass and become normal eventually. You are doing well! Keep it up. A x

      Delete
  7. well done Angie, so happy for you..thats brill and a fab start to the new year. Best of luck in the surgery. X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Kats. How are you going? A x

      Delete
    2. hi angie, i am great thanks, had a nice xmas the usual here in ireland! half my family are washed out of it with all the rain and rehoused! but apart from that all well. putting a lot of thought into intentions for 2016. feels good, i feel light and happy. glad you are doing so well. xx

      Delete
  8. Hi Angie. I was away too so I'm just catching up on blogs. I'm so pleased for you that you stayed sober over the holiday! That's an accomplishment for sure. Sorry about your brother--I come from a drinking family too, and it can be hard to watch. You did well to not engage but to focus on your own sober stuff, I think. Wishing you a very happy new year1 Good luck with the AA meeting (I am still looking for the right meeting but I go and it helps and it's not that hard after a while). I hope your surgery goes well xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Thirsty, I'm sure it will be ok, but I can't help but be a little nervous. I'll be glad when it's all over.
      I would love to see my brother want to get well. To want to get help. But I'm just not sure that's going to happen. I want to talk to him, but don't know what to say. So I say nothing.
      Still haven't got to an AA meeting. I will one day soon. A x

      Delete