Tuesday 16 August 2016

Joy

I haven't posted for a while. I'm getting slack! But I wanted to share something that happened yesterday.

I asked my little guy, who is 9 and 3/4, if he remembered how I used to drink wine. He said no. So I prompted him a little, saying yes you do, you know that yellow drink I used to drink in the evening? In the special wine glass? But no, he said he doesn't remember. Then I asked him if I've changed in the last few months, and he said yes. He said I don't get as cross, that I laugh at his silly voices instead of getting annoyed. I asked him if he notices that I'm happier these days, and he said he does.

This fills me with so much joy. That my son notices that I am a happier, more centered person.

I know a lot of this has to do with me taking the anti-anxiety meds. They have changed my life for the better which is such a relief. I was so fearful about taking them, but I needn't have worried. Who knew this is how people feel all the time?!

I feel so much happier. Things still aren't perfect. There are still issues with my husband. I would still love to leave my job and go somewhere else. I would still love to lose 15kg. I still have hip pain and my feet are awful. I still get impatient with my mum sometimes. But overall, I am so much happier and I take things in my stride.  I am trying to become a better person and learning to like myself, and I'm getting there, a little bit at a time. I have hope that the wonderful life that people in long term sobriety talk about is a possibility for me. That the magic will happen for me too.

Last Friday night we went out for dinner with my oldest friend and her husband. We don't see them very often, but when we do we just pick up where we left off and we can chat for hours. In the past, this would involve lots of wine. When we caught up with them before Christmas I had not long stopped drinking. I told her I was having a break and she didn't question it. She knew my father when we were kids and knows my family history, so she understood why I was questioning my drinking. This time, she didn't say anything at all. She had several wines with dinner and then a bottle back at our place. She was a little glassy eyed by the end but she seemed ok. I'm just glad I don't do that anymore. The following day, we were texting each other when she said she noticed that I wasn't drinking and if I had given it up completely. And I have to be honest, I hesitated when answering. I contemplated saying yes, but adding 'for now'. I was a little nervous saying 'yes for good' because that would make it official somehow. But then I thought, why am I hesitating? I HAVE given up completely. So I typed back yes and that I feel so much better for it. She was so positive about it. She even said she had thought about it but as she doesn't drink during the week so decided against it. It felt being honest about it.

We celebrated my older brother's 50th birthday on Sunday. It was a great day. We had lunch at a restaurant then spent a couple of hours at a nearby beach. It was a beautiful sunny, winters day and the kids rolled their pants up and had a ball in the shallows. My heart was filled with so much love for my family. I was just so happy, and I know a lot of that has to do with being sober. Had I still been drinking, I would have had several wines with lunch, then not had as much fun at the beach because I'd be wanting to get home and drink more. Being sober is so much better.

I feel so much more positivity in my life. Even work has been better lately. And it's all to do with my attitude. I think because I am feeling happier, it shines through in everything I do. I would still love to leave and work somewhere else, but in the meantime, it is a bit more bearable.

So my friends, life continues to get better. It takes time, but it is happening. Today I am 268 days sober. And I am just so grateful.

A x




22 comments:

  1. I am so happy for you Angie! It will just get better and better x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jackie. I can't wait for it to get even better! I know I am only at the beginning. So exciting! A x

      Delete
  2. Hi, Angie!! I told my 17 yo daughter I quit drinking and smoking and she had no idea I was doing either (I did both alone on my balcony) so I guess in a way, it's nice that I was "pulling it off" hahah, but yah, unless you're a psycho drunk, kids don't usually notice. Anyway, awesome 268 days!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks suburbanbetty. It's funny, I thought my son MUST have known I was drinking! And I think he did at the time, but because I wasn't 'a psycho drunk' he's forgotten about it. I am so thrilled. I have so much shame about drinking when he was little. It's a relief to know I haven't harmed him. A x

      Delete
  3. Great post Angie! I'm so happy for you, your life is going great. So good :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks PDTG. You are doing great too! 100 days is awesome! A x

      Delete
  4. Replies
    1. Thanks Wendy. I am finally getting somewhere. It's a wonderful feeling. A x

      Delete
  5. My heart is so full for you.
    It's wonderful that your son sees your joy.
    And that you do. It is amazing how bright and beautiful life is.

    I expect your friend will be watching you. she can probably see the joy and light.

    ������

    Anne

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Anne. I will always remember your comment 'wait for the magic to happen' and that's what I've been doing. I think it's started! It can only get better and better. A x

      Delete
  6. Awww,that was wonderful to read. I love how you are feeling now, seems so "right". So great about your son and so awesome you told your friend you had quit for good. I admit to still adding the "for now" part. Thanks for posting the update!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks HD, it's taken me a long time to tell someone I've quit for good. I couldn't admit it to myself for a very long time. In the back of my mind was the possibility of it not being forever. But now that I am feeling so good, finally, I don't want to ever go back to who I was before. A x

      Delete
  7. I am so happy for you Angie! LIfe is Good! I'm glad you posted because you are a role model for me! Xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Sa53, that's lovely of you to say. Life is just so much better sober. A x

      Delete
  8. Wow. What a fascinating perspective. What a cool conversation to have. Sometimes it takes a child or anyone else to show us how much better we're getting. It's hard to see change in ourselves.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can be very hard on myself but I'm trying to be kinder to myself. A child's perspective is fascinating. We need to listen to them more! A x

      Delete
  9. You are my inspiration Angie because I have seen you get more and more positive as you have gone along. So happy for you and may you streak of positivity carry on indefinitely. Big hugs (. )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Ginger, I hope my streak of positivity keeps going too! I am sure it can't last forever though! Still, even bad days sober have got to be 100 times better than my drinking days. A x

      Delete
  10. Hey Angie - I love the conversation with your son, how great that he's seen a positive change in you. I think my children would say the same regarding my attitude towards them and my tolerance levels when I'm not drinking. I'm so glad to hear you're feeling so settled you sound content. That's pretty priceless. Red xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's amazing how much more patience I have. Life is just so much better. I think being sober is the greatest gift we can give our kids. How are you going? A x

      Delete
  11. Not too bad here thanks Angie, am just trying to get some meaningful sober time under my belt. Reading how happy you are helps to motivate! Red xx

    ReplyDelete