I find life overwhelming sometimes. I think about everything that I need to do and I can't deal with it. So I don't do anything. And then I feel worse. It's a vicious cycle. I don't think this necessarily has anything to do with my drinking. Or maybe it does, I don't know. I just know that sometimes, often, life seems too hard. I think ahead and it stretches before me, more of the same and sometimes I just want to run away. From life. Of course I wouldn't. I keep getting up each day and living my life. But I wonder, there has to be more to life than this?
I think back to when I was in the latter stages of my last 100 day challenge and I was so flat, depressed almost. I thought it might be PAWS. But then I started drinking again and it lifted. I don't feel that bad again but it's just always there, in the background.
When the Paris tragedy happened, I couldn't help but feel there is no hope for the future. It is only going to get worse. What if I'm at work one day and my hospital is targeted. It's possible. These evil people aren't going to go away, there will always be more. I fear for the future, for my son. What is the world coming to? Is it really worth living?
I am ok. But sometimes I wonder if I really am?
I'm not sure where this post has come from. I sat down to write and the words just came.
I have been looking at the lost of meetings in my area. When I read books about recovery, people seem to be able to find a meeting at a moments notice, at any time of the day. They are not that frequent where I live. They have them in the evenings, but the ones in the day are harder to come by and not in my suburb. I don't want to go to one in the evening. I just want to keep it to myself for now. Hopefully I will get to one soon.
Day 8 today. I can't believe it. A part of me feels like I'm not ready, that I should have waited a bit longer. But that's silly. There is never a good time. Or maybe the opposite is true? Whatever the case, I'm glad I did it. I've found that each time I go back to drinking, the harder it is to get back to day 1. I don't want to have to do these early days again!