I find life overwhelming sometimes. I think about everything that I need to do and I can't deal with it. So I don't do anything. And then I feel worse. It's a vicious cycle. I don't think this necessarily has anything to do with my drinking. Or maybe it does, I don't know. I just know that sometimes, often, life seems too hard. I think ahead and it stretches before me, more of the same and sometimes I just want to run away. From life. Of course I wouldn't. I keep getting up each day and living my life. But I wonder, there has to be more to life than this?
I think back to when I was in the latter stages of my last 100 day challenge and I was so flat, depressed almost. I thought it might be PAWS. But then I started drinking again and it lifted. I don't feel that bad again but it's just always there, in the background.
When the Paris tragedy happened, I couldn't help but feel there is no hope for the future. It is only going to get worse. What if I'm at work one day and my hospital is targeted. It's possible. These evil people aren't going to go away, there will always be more. I fear for the future, for my son. What is the world coming to? Is it really worth living?
I am ok. But sometimes I wonder if I really am?
I'm not sure where this post has come from. I sat down to write and the words just came.
I have been looking at the lost of meetings in my area. When I read books about recovery, people seem to be able to find a meeting at a moments notice, at any time of the day. They are not that frequent where I live. They have them in the evenings, but the ones in the day are harder to come by and not in my suburb. I don't want to go to one in the evening. I just want to keep it to myself for now. Hopefully I will get to one soon.
Day 8 today. I can't believe it. A part of me feels like I'm not ready, that I should have waited a bit longer. But that's silly. There is never a good time. Or maybe the opposite is true? Whatever the case, I'm glad I did it. I've found that each time I go back to drinking, the harder it is to get back to day 1. I don't want to have to do these early days again!
A x
Hang in there. I have days like this and mostly it is the first ten days or of not drinking. Not sleeping well. Not feeling well. Don't let these dark heavy thoughts to overwhelm you. Life is beautiful. And adventurous. And challenging. It is not worthless.
ReplyDeleteI never went to any meetings. One of the reasons is that I am afraid that it will be a very depressing experience. I cannot allow any more depressing into my life. There are days when I can barely get through the day without a drink as is.
Tomorrow is another day. Give it a chance.
Thanks Time. I am doing ok. Just sometimes these dark thoughts get to me. I have a lot going on that maybe one day I will share in my blog. How are you going? A x
DeleteI felt very similar. Wishing I could just go to sleep and leave it all behind.
ReplyDeleteIt does have to do with drinking. It is part of he addiction cycle. And it will get better.
If not, think about tying some natural anti depressants, including vitamin d. And possibly seeing your doctor if it continues. I had to address my underlying serious depression once I was sober. It was hindering me.
Meetings are an interesting thing, they aren't depressing. I find it almost exhilarating to go. I get nervous, and, of course, was a basket case my first meetings. And I was almost 3 months sober then.
Now, I like to go occasionally and hear the common issues everyone has. The loneliness, the compulsion, and the joy and happiness that they have found in sobriety.
It's worth trying.
It's always and never the right time. It just is what it is. You are on the right path!
Anne
I really hope I get to a meeting one of these days. I want to experience what they are like. I will never know if I don't go. Sometimes I wonder if I suffer from anxiety. I know I should talk to someone. In the meantime, I will soldier on. Day 9 today! A x
DeleteI just finished writing a post about allowing ourselves the opportunity to be happier, and I believe that's what we do when we work to end a drinking habit. This is the gift you're giving yourself these last 8 days. Now is exactly the right time. You are doing great, stick with it! -kari
ReplyDeleteHi Angie, thinking of you and hope you feel better. Don't think drinking will help, we only tend to wish we weren't doing it when we are so what is the point. I really think it is impossible to be happy if you are doing something you really wish deep doing you weren't. Thats why I have stopped. X
ReplyDeleteDear Angie,
ReplyDeleteSo glad you are on Day 9.
As one who has struggled with depression for many years, I understand the feelings.
I hope today is better for you!
xo
Wendy