Fighting my way back

It's been a long time between posts. You can guess why.

After 102 days alcohol free I decided that I could drink again. I could go on about how I thought I could moderate after having some sober time under my belt and knowing how good it felt to be hangover free, about how I thought I could manage just one or two drinks instead of the usual bottle, how I might suddenly have an off switch after decades of not having one, but what would be the point? In the end, I succumbed to the wine witch. I guess a part of me doesn't want to admit that, because hey, I'm not an alcoholic right? I just drink too much.  Lots of people do. But it's time to face facts and be really honest. Labels don't matter. I just know that I can't go on like this. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I've just had enough. Normal people don't drink a bottle of wine a night. They just don't. They don't feel hungover every morning and live unproductive lives. They don't complain about their lives because they are miserable and it being not fair and yet not doing anything about it. Only I can change my destiny and the first way of doing that is to put down the wine glass.

I know I've been here before. When you feel this miserable it's easy to feel motivated and determined and even to get a month or so of sober time under your belt. It's the staying stopped that I have trouble with. The forever bit. But this time I'm not going to dwell on that. I can't. I just know that I need to stop. Otherwise nothing is going to change and I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life.

So I've signed up to do Belle's 100 day challenge again. Today is day 4 and I am really tired because I haven't been sleeping well without the wine, but I don't care. I just want to get through these first few difficult days and weeks and start to feel better again. I felt so good last time I did the challenge. So stupid to start drinking again.

It's going to be harder this time with Christmas and New Year's around the corner, not to mention the celebrations leading up to it. But I have to be strong. I need to do this.

After finishing my 100 day challenge last time, I managed 102 days. But my mistake was not signing up to more days. So as I said before, I really thought I might be able to moderate this time. And I started off ok. I drank for a few days then had 3 alcohol free days and managed this routine for two weeks. But that's all. I have been drinking EVERY SINGLE DAY since early September. So, if I am ever stupid enough to think I can moderate again I just have to remind myself of this. I cannot moderate. It's just not possible.

I told my husband that I was thinking of doing 100 days again. And I even warned my friend C who likes to drink too. We went to a fancy ball last week and I not so jokingly said to her beforehand that I might have to detox after it was all over. Just so she won't be too surprised when I tell her that I'm doing this again.

I'm back reading my sober memoirs. I recently finished 'Blackout' by Sarah Hepola which was excellent. And I'm currently reading 'Bottled: A mom's guide to early recovery' by Dana Bowman which I'm really enjoying. I have been reading all your blogs too btw way and I'm sorry I haven't been commenting, but I just felt too ashamed. But not anymore. It's time to be really honest with myself. I want to try and get to a meeting one of these days.

So, here I am on day 4. And so relieved to be here. I just hope I can keep going.

A x