Today finds me at 100 days sober. I can't believe how quickly the time went. Life carries on just the same (only better of course) when you aren't drinking alcohol. It really is possible. You can go out to dinner, attend social functions and get through birthdays without wine. Who knew?!
I'm sorry I haven't blogged over the last few weeks. I've been in a real slump. I don't know if it's related to not drinking, ie PAWS, or if it's related to the stress in my life (which is a whole other story for another day) but whatever is causing it, I just can't seem to snap out of it. I've even been considering seeing a doctor and asking for medication. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. It's unbearable. It's like I have a dead weight sitting on my chest and I just feel sad all the time. It's awful!
I have signed into my blog countless times to write but the words just don't come. I just don't have the energy. Which is a shame, because I'd like to have had a record of the whole 100 days.
So where do I go from here? I don't know really. I've been grappling with forever all along and I'm still struggling with it. I do know however, that I don't want to go back to how I was before. Even though I am feeling down I'd rather feel down and not drinking every day than to feeling down plus being hungover and living with shame.
I guess I am all over the place really. I just wanted to let you know that I've managed to not drink for 100 days and I can't quite believe it! 100 days seems endless when you start out on this journey, but it really isn't that long. It's just the blink of an eye really.
My son has been sick the last couple of days with a UTI and he was up to the toilet every hour overnight. And I am so thankful that I wasn't drinking. I have been tired but it's manageable, and I've been able to be fully present for my son in his time of need. I dread to think how it would have been had I been drinking every night, hungover and miserable and resentful no doubt.
Like all problem drinkers, I have many unpleasant drinking stories that have occurred as a result of my drinking. I don't ever want to forget these stories. I want to remember them as a reminder of what I never want to go back to.
I want to keep blogging. Whatever happens over the coming weeks, I want to have this place to can come back to.
A x
Congratulations! That's a huge achievement.
ReplyDeleteThanks KB. I still can't believe I did it! A x
DeleteYay! Way to go Angie! You're amazing! In my experience it all gets much easier after 100 days, so please don't stop now. You've done the hard bit, now it's time to cash in! Alcohol only makes depression much much worse. I do hope the clouds will lift soon, but if not see your GP, NOT the vino....please xx
ReplyDeleteThanks SM. I'm hoping to start losing weight soon. When did you say you started to? I know it took a while and I'm getting impatient! I will talk to my Gp when I go next. It's just frustrating because my regular one is on maternity leave. A x
DeleteStick with it. See your doctor. PAWS is real, but many of us have underlying depression as well. I have tried exercising, meditating, eating dofferently and natural remedies. In the end, I need medication and perhaps have for a long, long time.
ReplyDeleteI take cipralex and have had no side effects (after the first bit, it did take some getting used to). But it opened my mind to the belief that happiness was possible, something I never thought I would have. After a year I had some thought of stopping it, but my husband begged me to reconsider as he see such huge changes in me. And so I have tried hard to drop my last resistance to mess, and to believe this is the right choice for me.
Alcohol will make it worse. It feeds that inner depression and turns it against us.
Congratulations on 100 days. I look forward to hearing more!
Anne
Thanks Anne, I will take your advice on board. My favourite GP is on maternity leave and I'm hesitant to see a different one. I might just have to bite the bullet though and do it. I can't go on like this. I have lived with stress for a long time, I was just used to it. But it's just caught up with me I think, I can't do it alone anymore. Thank you so much for your advice. It helps as always. A x
DeleteCongratulations on 100 days!!! You're amazing and an inspiration. Annie x
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Annie. You are doing so well too! I am so proud of you. A x
DeleteThat's great news! Amazing! I'm just a little bit ahead of you and I do think that sadness is part of this journey. The first few months can feel like a bit of a novelty but then after awhile there can be this feeling of 'is this it? forever?' And that can be tough. It's almost like a grieving process I think. Also when you've been sober awhile,the past can loom up in front of you and remind you of stuff that probably you'd like to forget. Blogging helps me. Have you tried to talk to someone? Maybe your gp can make a recommendation?
ReplyDeleteThanks Mtts. I have thought of seeing someone, but that's at this stage. 'Thought'. I need to talk to someone, so that will be the next step. My favourite Gp is on maternity leave so I will have to find someone else. A x
Deletehi angie, well done. you really have done great considering how you have been feeling. you could have given up lots of times and said sod it but you stuck with you and u should be proud of yourself. i don't think prolonged sadness is normal. i think you should talk to a sympathetic gp (prob easier said than done) but defo someone who gets it and get you. i have had periods of sadness and been unhappy but never had depression so i would hesitant to advise but i think suffering unnecessarily if some medication/ talk therapy could help might be a good idea. Either way I hope you come to the right conclusion. XX
ReplyDeleteThanks Kats. I can't believe I did it! I do need help, so that will be the next step. I am so used to doing it alone but I just can't anymore. A x
DeleteIt is that past ability to do things on our own that hinders us.
DeleteI know allowing myself to get support is really toug. I try hard to think about yoga, where using props is not a sign of weakness, but a sign that you are honouring your needs that day.
Taking it off the mat, I see I need support of a good therapist and a doctor. Could I do without? Probably. But that would be purposely making life hard. And, since there are no medals for that, I accept support.
Go to the unknown go. Tell him that you are truly down. He will want to help you. That is his job.
Dear Angie,
ReplyDeleteYay on 100 days girl!!
It seems like just yesterday you had just started!
As you have read about my depression, I get it.
Medication may help you.
I am so sorry you are feeling down.
There is nothing worse.
Keep blogging!
xo
Wendy
Thanks Wendy. It does seem like yesterday that I started. Time has gone so fast! I think medication may be a possibility. In the past, I never would have considered it, but I can't go on like this. I'm glad you are feeling better. A x
DeleteHey, no worries. You do need to take your time to adjust yourself to a new situation, with the absence of liquor and all. What matters is that you achieve sobriety, which you have done so for a hundred days now. Here's to hundreds more!
ReplyDeleteGerard Holland @ SoberLife USA
Hi, I'm not sure how I ended up at your blog a couple of months ago as I'm virtually teetotal, but for some reason I read it all as your story really touched me. Wondered how you were doing and have managed to find you again. I just wanted to say how pleased I am that you have reached your 100 days, in spite of all the related rubbish that you have had to deal with. You may still have related rubbish to get you down, but you will never have to go through those first 100 days again. I'd say to try medication if you need to - it isn't a cure but it will make it easier for you yourself to get on and deal with everything else. I really do wish you well. Anna
ReplyDeleteWhere've you gone, Angie? I miss you!!
ReplyDeleteI miss you too!
ReplyDeleteAngie? What happened? I hope that whatever is going on, you are handling it. I also hope one day you will come back to your blog. We miss you!
ReplyDeleteHow are you doing girl?? Thinking of you!
ReplyDeletexo
good job on 100 days
ReplyDelete