I had a really flat day yesterday. Not sure why? I just couldn't find any motivation to do anything and felt sad all day. I just had to ride it out and knew that today would be better.
I've come to the realisation that I don't do feelings. I've always been the type of person who bottles things up and doesn't talk about things. I've always been like this. Then when I started reading sober blogs and reading books I discovered that a lot of people use alcohol to avoid feeling emotions and I wondered if maybe I do that too? But I didn't always drink and I've always been like this, so I don't know.
I do know that I can't seem to find any motivation, even when I am not drinking. I look at my cluttered house and all our belongings and I hate it. I look at all of my little boys toys and clothes and realise that we own practically every single thing he's had since he was a baby. It's partly because we were hoping to have a 2nd child so kept things for that reason but sadly it didn't happen and little guy is now 8. So it's time to get rid of some stuff. We have passed a couple of things on to our nephews, some clothes and a few toys but not much. I've mentioned to OH that we should take some stuff to a second hand shop but he wants to sell it on ebay instead. In the end, it all just sits there and looks a mess. I would love to have a spotless, minimalist type house but somehow I can't see it ever happening. Everything is just too hard.
Yesterday my younger brother came over to borrow a gate we used to use when little guy was a toddler to stop him getting into the kitchen. My brother has 3 kids and is moving to a lovely big house with stairs so needs the gate to stop their 2 year old from falling down them. I think a part of me was sad because I knew we would never have another use for the gate and maybe that's why I felt so flat yesterday? I do feel a deep sadness inside that we couldn't have another baby, and it never really goes away.
Bloody hell, writing that made me sad! I even shed a few tears! But in typical fashion I quickly stopped them because I don't want to deal with these feelings. See?! I told you I don't do feelings.
I probably need to do something about that.
A x
Do you listen to the bubble hour? There is a good podcast on felling our feelings. Google it. It is worth the time. All the episodes are.
ReplyDeleteMeeting are for anyone with a desire to quit drinking. There is,no need to call yourself an alcoholic, or to even say anything.
You might find support or connection there. It is worth considering.
Anne
I do listen to the Bubble Hour a lot. I'm not sure if I've heard that one though, so I will have a look for it. I still haven't ruled out meetings completely. Just not for now. I'm thinking of seeing a therapist but not sure when that will happen. Thanks for your support. A x
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