I sent my little guy off to school today with green hair (It was crazy hair and casual dress day with a gold coin donation to raise money for the school fete). We were running a bit late so the school bell had already rung and we didn't see any other school kids. My son made me ask the lollipop lady at the school crossing if other kids had crazy hair too. Of course they did! But I understood where my son was coming from. He had a moment of insecurity that we got the day wrong and he would be the only one turning up with crazy hair and casual clothes.
I remember that feeling so well. I remember when I was about 10 or 11 and desperately wanting to be like everyone else. That fear of being different. Wanting approval so badly. Always feeling not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough (yes, even at such a young age!), not anything enough. Just always 'less than'. And it stayed with me all my life.
Since I've been going to AA meetings, it's a theme I've heard over and over again. That feeling of being different to everyone else. I used to think it was just me. That there was something wrong with ME. And it is such a relief to know that I am not the only one who feels like this.
Now that I have found sobriety, I have started to work on this. I tell myself that I am enough. That I AM good enough. That even if I am different, it doesn't matter, that it's okay. I am trying to be kind to myself and to like myself, and tell myself that I am loved. I tell myself that it doesn't matter what other people think of me, that not everyone will like me, but that's okay too. It's not always easy. But I have to remind myself that I can't change a life time of feelings in a few days or months, so I am trying to be patient with myself.
I guess it's about self-care. It's something that I have ignored all my drinking life, so I really need to do this for myself now in order to heal. It's going to take time, but I am determined! I am going to see a therapist (I just have to build up the courage to make the appointment!) so hopefully that will help. I am taking the medication and that is helping with my anxiety, which I lived with for years.
I hope the insecurity my son felt this morning is fleeting. That it won't become crippling like it was for me. I hope he grows up to be a well adjusted, confident and happy young man.
I am getting there, slowly. Baby steps.
A x
Friday, 29 July 2016
Tuesday, 26 July 2016
8 months
It's been a couple of weeks since my last post. It's been a busy couple of weeks so I had a break from the blogging world.
Last week I had mum staying with me, which made blogging hard and going to meetings impossible. I was okay though. Since I started taking the anti-depressants I have been a lot calmer and able to handle situations that used to fill me with anxiety a lot easier. I love having mum to stay but after a week I start to get a little impatient with her, and although that still happened, it wasn't nearly as bad. It's wonderful not having the anxiety that used to made my heart clench and my stomach in knots. I wish I'd started taking them earlier!
I reached 8 months of sobriety the other day. I was getting frustrated that mum still hadn't said anything to me about not drinking, but I was determined not to bring it up first. But she finally acknowledged it! We were talking about my brother B who has a drinking problem and I was showing her some information on the computer about the effects long term alcohol abuse has on the body and how they apply to B, when she said that I was doing really well. I told her it had been 8 months since I my last drink and she said she was really proud of me. FINALLY! She mentioned that my older brother R had spoken to her about taking B to a meeting and I told her that I had been to a few. So we spoke about that for a bit. I didn't go into great depth about how bad I was but it was just good finally talking to her about it. And now, when she comes to stay, I can go to a meeting without having to hide it from her. It's all such a relief to finally have it out in the open!
I had a super busy day at work on Sunday. But I was able to deal with it. Yes, it was still stressful but I handled it so much better that I would have when I was still drinking. I got through it and had no thoughts of buying alcohol on the way home because 'I deserved it' after such a busy and stressful day. The change is enormous and it feels so good not wanting to drink over it.
The little guy is much better. It's such a relief that he's on the mend. I hope we never have to go through something like that again! Staying sober through his illness was the best gift I could ever give him. I hate to think what it would have been like if he'd been sick last year when I was still drinking.
I can't believe that I am 8 months sober! When I first did Belle's 100 day challenge I got to the end and really struggled. The thought of never drinking again filled me with fear and I just couldn't handle it, so I started drinking again. I think I needed to go through that process to get to where I am today. I finally realised that I couldn't drink, ever. And when it all got a bit overwhelming I just took it one day at a time. I came to a level of acceptance that alcohol isn't for me, that it made me miserable and just wasn't worth it. It took me a long time to get here, but it feels so good to finally be here. For anyone still struggling, stick with it. It gets so much better! Life is not perfect, but it so much better. And I know it's only going to keep getting better. I can't wait!
We had my cousin's daughter visiting from Norway last week. She was travelling with a friend and they both stayed with my youngest brother and his wife and kids. It was so lovely to meet her. I haven't seen my Norwegian relatives since we left Norway when I was 6 (we lived there for 3 years as my father was Norwegian). Meeting her filled me with a yearning to travel to Norway and see all my relatives again. Hopefully one day! I will have to make a vision board and put that on there. Some people swear by them.
Anyway, there's not much else to say. I am off to work this afternoon and I hope it's a better shift today!!
A x
Last week I had mum staying with me, which made blogging hard and going to meetings impossible. I was okay though. Since I started taking the anti-depressants I have been a lot calmer and able to handle situations that used to fill me with anxiety a lot easier. I love having mum to stay but after a week I start to get a little impatient with her, and although that still happened, it wasn't nearly as bad. It's wonderful not having the anxiety that used to made my heart clench and my stomach in knots. I wish I'd started taking them earlier!
I reached 8 months of sobriety the other day. I was getting frustrated that mum still hadn't said anything to me about not drinking, but I was determined not to bring it up first. But she finally acknowledged it! We were talking about my brother B who has a drinking problem and I was showing her some information on the computer about the effects long term alcohol abuse has on the body and how they apply to B, when she said that I was doing really well. I told her it had been 8 months since I my last drink and she said she was really proud of me. FINALLY! She mentioned that my older brother R had spoken to her about taking B to a meeting and I told her that I had been to a few. So we spoke about that for a bit. I didn't go into great depth about how bad I was but it was just good finally talking to her about it. And now, when she comes to stay, I can go to a meeting without having to hide it from her. It's all such a relief to finally have it out in the open!
I had a super busy day at work on Sunday. But I was able to deal with it. Yes, it was still stressful but I handled it so much better that I would have when I was still drinking. I got through it and had no thoughts of buying alcohol on the way home because 'I deserved it' after such a busy and stressful day. The change is enormous and it feels so good not wanting to drink over it.
The little guy is much better. It's such a relief that he's on the mend. I hope we never have to go through something like that again! Staying sober through his illness was the best gift I could ever give him. I hate to think what it would have been like if he'd been sick last year when I was still drinking.
I can't believe that I am 8 months sober! When I first did Belle's 100 day challenge I got to the end and really struggled. The thought of never drinking again filled me with fear and I just couldn't handle it, so I started drinking again. I think I needed to go through that process to get to where I am today. I finally realised that I couldn't drink, ever. And when it all got a bit overwhelming I just took it one day at a time. I came to a level of acceptance that alcohol isn't for me, that it made me miserable and just wasn't worth it. It took me a long time to get here, but it feels so good to finally be here. For anyone still struggling, stick with it. It gets so much better! Life is not perfect, but it so much better. And I know it's only going to keep getting better. I can't wait!
We had my cousin's daughter visiting from Norway last week. She was travelling with a friend and they both stayed with my youngest brother and his wife and kids. It was so lovely to meet her. I haven't seen my Norwegian relatives since we left Norway when I was 6 (we lived there for 3 years as my father was Norwegian). Meeting her filled me with a yearning to travel to Norway and see all my relatives again. Hopefully one day! I will have to make a vision board and put that on there. Some people swear by them.
Anyway, there's not much else to say. I am off to work this afternoon and I hope it's a better shift today!!
A x
Monday, 11 July 2016
Back from holidays
I'm back after two weeks in the country. The little guy went back to school today and now I can get back into my routine again. I'm off to a meeting today, which I am looking forward to.
So, as predicted the start of the holiday started off with drama!
Mr A was very anxious and when he's like that he lashes out at me and the little guy. I actually told him that I know he was stressed but he can't be talking to us like that. He apologised later, but gosh it's hard to live with someone like that! It's like walking on egg shells!
It wasn't until we were 2 1/2 hours into the 5 hour trip that the little guy realised we were driving to grandma's house and not the beach house like he had thought. He was SO excited!! it was definitely worth surprising him! And mum and my brothers and their boys were really happy to see us too. It was wonderful!
Unfortunately, the little guys medical condition got worse despite the antibiotics, and we had to take him to the local hospital on the Tuesday night. There wasn't anything they could do though, as there was only a GP on call (it's a very small country town) so we drove down to a bigger hospital the next day an hour and half away. After a long wait we were seen by the paediatric surgeon and she diagnosed a medical condition called BXO (Balanitis Xerotica Obliterans) and he had to have an emergency operation. Thankfully, the surgery went well and we were able to drive back to mum's house again that night, so we were able to finish our two week holiday. We had thought we would have to drive back to Melbourne and go the the Royal Children's Hospital and have a heap of investigations! So we lucked out on seeing the paediatric surgeon, she was wonderful.
So, a dramatic start to the holiday! But it ended well, and we had a lovely time relaxing with my family. Because the little guy had to take it easy and could not run around, it was a good excuse to relax and do nothing!!
I started taking the anti-depressants on that first Monday. Thankfully I haven't had any side effects, other than tiredness, and I think they are starting to work a little bit. I will have to make an appointment to see the therapist soon. I am pretty nervous about it though!
Brother # 2, the one with the drinking problem, did pretty well that first week. He didn't drink for the first 4 days which really surprised me. I didn't get a chance to talk to him like I'd have liked, but I was proud of him for not drinking those few days. Unfortunately, it didn't last and he drank a LOT the last few nights he was there. Hopefully he saw me having fun not drinking and realised that it's possible.
One thing I was really annoyed about was the way mum kept going on about how pleased she was that my brother was really trying, yet she didn't make one single comment about me not drinking. I know I haven't made a big announcement or anything, but I thought she might have said something! Especially given how she used to say I that I drank too much and needed to cut down. Oh well, I can't let it get it to me. I am proud of me!
So, it's back to work tomorrow. I have really enjoyed having a break, it was really getting to me. Hopefully I will be going back with a fresh outlook.
Now I'm off to catch up on all my blogs!
A x
So, as predicted the start of the holiday started off with drama!
Mr A was very anxious and when he's like that he lashes out at me and the little guy. I actually told him that I know he was stressed but he can't be talking to us like that. He apologised later, but gosh it's hard to live with someone like that! It's like walking on egg shells!
It wasn't until we were 2 1/2 hours into the 5 hour trip that the little guy realised we were driving to grandma's house and not the beach house like he had thought. He was SO excited!! it was definitely worth surprising him! And mum and my brothers and their boys were really happy to see us too. It was wonderful!
Unfortunately, the little guys medical condition got worse despite the antibiotics, and we had to take him to the local hospital on the Tuesday night. There wasn't anything they could do though, as there was only a GP on call (it's a very small country town) so we drove down to a bigger hospital the next day an hour and half away. After a long wait we were seen by the paediatric surgeon and she diagnosed a medical condition called BXO (Balanitis Xerotica Obliterans) and he had to have an emergency operation. Thankfully, the surgery went well and we were able to drive back to mum's house again that night, so we were able to finish our two week holiday. We had thought we would have to drive back to Melbourne and go the the Royal Children's Hospital and have a heap of investigations! So we lucked out on seeing the paediatric surgeon, she was wonderful.
So, a dramatic start to the holiday! But it ended well, and we had a lovely time relaxing with my family. Because the little guy had to take it easy and could not run around, it was a good excuse to relax and do nothing!!
I started taking the anti-depressants on that first Monday. Thankfully I haven't had any side effects, other than tiredness, and I think they are starting to work a little bit. I will have to make an appointment to see the therapist soon. I am pretty nervous about it though!
Brother # 2, the one with the drinking problem, did pretty well that first week. He didn't drink for the first 4 days which really surprised me. I didn't get a chance to talk to him like I'd have liked, but I was proud of him for not drinking those few days. Unfortunately, it didn't last and he drank a LOT the last few nights he was there. Hopefully he saw me having fun not drinking and realised that it's possible.
One thing I was really annoyed about was the way mum kept going on about how pleased she was that my brother was really trying, yet she didn't make one single comment about me not drinking. I know I haven't made a big announcement or anything, but I thought she might have said something! Especially given how she used to say I that I drank too much and needed to cut down. Oh well, I can't let it get it to me. I am proud of me!
So, it's back to work tomorrow. I have really enjoyed having a break, it was really getting to me. Hopefully I will be going back with a fresh outlook.
Now I'm off to catch up on all my blogs!
A x
Sunday, 26 June 2016
Two weeks annual but not without drama!
I worked this afternoon and now I have two weeks annual leave! I am so excited!!
We are going up to mums in the country for most of the two weeks which we've never done before. Usually we have a week or 8 days, but never this long. It's going to be great!
We are going to surprise mum and 2 of my brothers and their kids who arrived up there today. They think we were coming up in the 2nd week and therefore will miss seeing them. They will be so happy too! And we are surprising the little guy too! He thinks we are going to my in laws beach house an hour and a half away. I wonder how long it will take him to realise we are driving a different way?!
So exciting times ahead!
It's a shame there are a few things that are not going great though.
First of all, I have been feeling down and anxious for a while now. I saw my doctor last week and he organised a care plan for me to see a therapist. I get 6-10 visits, which I am very happy about. I've been wanting to see someone for a long time now, and I'm so glad I finally had the courage to see someone about it. He also gave me a prescription for anti-depressants. I am very nervous about taking them. After much consideration, I have decided to start taking them on Monday. I will let you know how they go (although apparently it takes a few weeks for them to work)
Secondly, the little guy has a urine infection and has been in tears. He is getting up every hour overnight to go to the toilet and a hundred time during the day. We can't see a doctor until tomorrow to get a prescription for antibiotics. It's going to be another long night. It breaks my heart to see him in pain.
Thirdly, the little guy told me tonight when I got home from work that Mr A has been yelling and swearing about not having any time to himself, about no one doing anything for him and a bunch of other stuff. I am scared to bring it up with him, because I don't want him yelling at me (not that he does very often) And I don't want to get the little guy in trouble for telling me. So what do I do?
Also, I know tomorrow is going to start off really bad. We all have to pack and for some reason, this makes both me and Mr A really anxious and on edge, so there is bound to be an argument. All will be resolved once we hit the road, but I will hang on to the resentment and it will make me even more anxious.
But once we get there, all should be well and it will be great to see the surprise on everyone's face when we arrive!
Hopefully we will have a relaxing couple of weeks in the country side. I am so grateful to be sober so I can really relish the special times we have there.
I might not be on the blogs that much over the coming 2 weeks but I will try and keep up with you all and comment when I can.
It is now 12.30am , so I should go to bed. I'm off to get hot packs because it is 3.9 degrees celcius!! And it's going to be even colder where we are going because it is up in the mountains!!
I'll keep in touch.
A x
We are going up to mums in the country for most of the two weeks which we've never done before. Usually we have a week or 8 days, but never this long. It's going to be great!
We are going to surprise mum and 2 of my brothers and their kids who arrived up there today. They think we were coming up in the 2nd week and therefore will miss seeing them. They will be so happy too! And we are surprising the little guy too! He thinks we are going to my in laws beach house an hour and a half away. I wonder how long it will take him to realise we are driving a different way?!
So exciting times ahead!
It's a shame there are a few things that are not going great though.
First of all, I have been feeling down and anxious for a while now. I saw my doctor last week and he organised a care plan for me to see a therapist. I get 6-10 visits, which I am very happy about. I've been wanting to see someone for a long time now, and I'm so glad I finally had the courage to see someone about it. He also gave me a prescription for anti-depressants. I am very nervous about taking them. After much consideration, I have decided to start taking them on Monday. I will let you know how they go (although apparently it takes a few weeks for them to work)
Secondly, the little guy has a urine infection and has been in tears. He is getting up every hour overnight to go to the toilet and a hundred time during the day. We can't see a doctor until tomorrow to get a prescription for antibiotics. It's going to be another long night. It breaks my heart to see him in pain.
Thirdly, the little guy told me tonight when I got home from work that Mr A has been yelling and swearing about not having any time to himself, about no one doing anything for him and a bunch of other stuff. I am scared to bring it up with him, because I don't want him yelling at me (not that he does very often) And I don't want to get the little guy in trouble for telling me. So what do I do?
Also, I know tomorrow is going to start off really bad. We all have to pack and for some reason, this makes both me and Mr A really anxious and on edge, so there is bound to be an argument. All will be resolved once we hit the road, but I will hang on to the resentment and it will make me even more anxious.
But once we get there, all should be well and it will be great to see the surprise on everyone's face when we arrive!
Hopefully we will have a relaxing couple of weeks in the country side. I am so grateful to be sober so I can really relish the special times we have there.
I might not be on the blogs that much over the coming 2 weeks but I will try and keep up with you all and comment when I can.
It is now 12.30am , so I should go to bed. I'm off to get hot packs because it is 3.9 degrees celcius!! And it's going to be even colder where we are going because it is up in the mountains!!
I'll keep in touch.
A x
Thursday, 23 June 2016
7 months
Can you believe it? I'm 7 months sober today! I have to pinch myself to see if it's true and not just a dream.
Yes, me! The girl with zero self esteem and who doesn't know who she is yet. She is me. This SOBER girl!
I have a long way to go. I am nowhere near knowing who I am and want I really want in life. But I am on the path. I am on my way. And for that I am so very very grateful.
A funny thing happened today.
My little guy has been bugging me for a fitbit. Yes, you heard that right. A FITBIT!! Kids at school have started wearing them and they are the real deal. The $189 dollar real deal. But I refuse to be drawn in. One of little guys best friend got one for his 10th birthday and I swear he only uses it as a watch. Or maybe he does look at the steps too, I'm not sure but whatever. It's very expensive present for a FAD!
So of course I am mean for not even considering getting one.
When I was in the city last week for my meeting, I went to the Victorian Market and found a kids digital watch for $5, so I bought it. It was black and had a narrow watch face and band and I thought it looked pretty cool (until Mr A told me it was a girls watch!). My little guy happily wore it but was sure to tell me that it was only temporary until he got a proper one. I didn't say anything to that.
Anyway, yesterday my little guy was swinging his arm around in the bathroom and his watch hit the bathroom basin and the screen cracked and you can no longer see the time. So that was very short lived!
The next thing he wants is a Milo Champion wrist band, Apparently it tells the time AND counts steps and all that jazz. 'They sell them at Woolworths mum,' he tells me. How much? I ask. $40 he says. So I think to myself that that is a lot more reasonable that the Fitbit price so I go looking for one in my local store. And of course they haven't got them any more. They were all sent back to the company when the promotion was over. Great I thought, just my luck!!
So I asked the lady in the supermarket if she could ring another store to see if they had any left, but that was a no go too. So she offered to ring the actual company that makes them to see if they were still available to the public. She took my number and told me she would get back to me.
So I pay for my things and leave the store. I was going to go home but at the last minute decided to go to the shop next door, so parked my car again and went in to have a look.
Not long after, I got a phone call from the lady from the supermarket and she told me that she found one out the back of the shop and it was still sealed in the box and looked undamaged. And the you know what the best part was?! She offered to give it to me for nothing!! She said because they had all been sent back and no longer had a code or something, she wouldn't charge me for it.
I was so excited!! I went back to the supermarket (thank goodness I was only next door!) and sure enough, she had one for me.
So, in the end, I got my son his precious fitness band (which, mind you, is pretty good! The digital time and step counter etc lights up and looks just like the real deal) and I got it for nothing1 Funds are pretty tight at the moment so it was a HUGE relief! I was so thankful to that lady in the store. If I had gotten a different person, it most likely would not have worked out that way.
And in a weird way, I felt like God or my higher power or something, was looking out for me. I know He has much better things to do than find me free fitness bands, but I don't know, I could just feel Him somehow. So I'm going with that.
I know this story is not sobriety related, and that my 7 month post didn't go into my deep and meaningful reasons why I'm grateful to be sober, but I just felt like sharing that story. It made me feel good.
So yes, 7 months!!
A x
Yes, me! The girl with zero self esteem and who doesn't know who she is yet. She is me. This SOBER girl!
I have a long way to go. I am nowhere near knowing who I am and want I really want in life. But I am on the path. I am on my way. And for that I am so very very grateful.
A funny thing happened today.
My little guy has been bugging me for a fitbit. Yes, you heard that right. A FITBIT!! Kids at school have started wearing them and they are the real deal. The $189 dollar real deal. But I refuse to be drawn in. One of little guys best friend got one for his 10th birthday and I swear he only uses it as a watch. Or maybe he does look at the steps too, I'm not sure but whatever. It's very expensive present for a FAD!
So of course I am mean for not even considering getting one.
When I was in the city last week for my meeting, I went to the Victorian Market and found a kids digital watch for $5, so I bought it. It was black and had a narrow watch face and band and I thought it looked pretty cool (until Mr A told me it was a girls watch!). My little guy happily wore it but was sure to tell me that it was only temporary until he got a proper one. I didn't say anything to that.
Anyway, yesterday my little guy was swinging his arm around in the bathroom and his watch hit the bathroom basin and the screen cracked and you can no longer see the time. So that was very short lived!
The next thing he wants is a Milo Champion wrist band, Apparently it tells the time AND counts steps and all that jazz. 'They sell them at Woolworths mum,' he tells me. How much? I ask. $40 he says. So I think to myself that that is a lot more reasonable that the Fitbit price so I go looking for one in my local store. And of course they haven't got them any more. They were all sent back to the company when the promotion was over. Great I thought, just my luck!!
So I asked the lady in the supermarket if she could ring another store to see if they had any left, but that was a no go too. So she offered to ring the actual company that makes them to see if they were still available to the public. She took my number and told me she would get back to me.
So I pay for my things and leave the store. I was going to go home but at the last minute decided to go to the shop next door, so parked my car again and went in to have a look.
Not long after, I got a phone call from the lady from the supermarket and she told me that she found one out the back of the shop and it was still sealed in the box and looked undamaged. And the you know what the best part was?! She offered to give it to me for nothing!! She said because they had all been sent back and no longer had a code or something, she wouldn't charge me for it.
I was so excited!! I went back to the supermarket (thank goodness I was only next door!) and sure enough, she had one for me.
So, in the end, I got my son his precious fitness band (which, mind you, is pretty good! The digital time and step counter etc lights up and looks just like the real deal) and I got it for nothing1 Funds are pretty tight at the moment so it was a HUGE relief! I was so thankful to that lady in the store. If I had gotten a different person, it most likely would not have worked out that way.
And in a weird way, I felt like God or my higher power or something, was looking out for me. I know He has much better things to do than find me free fitness bands, but I don't know, I could just feel Him somehow. So I'm going with that.
I know this story is not sobriety related, and that my 7 month post didn't go into my deep and meaningful reasons why I'm grateful to be sober, but I just felt like sharing that story. It made me feel good.
So yes, 7 months!!
A x
Thursday, 16 June 2016
My DUI story
Eighteen years ago, I got a DUI. It is something that I never talk about, because it is something to be ashamed of. I have buried it down deep inside of me and think of it rarely. But lately, as I have been trying to piece together my story, I've been thinking about it. And I thought I would share it here.
It wasn't my fault of course.
Towards the end of my university degree, my then boyfriend and I went to one of his colleagues 40th birthday party. This guy and his wife, whilst they were older than us, were quite good friends of ours. I was 30 years old at the time.
Anyway, over the course of the night, I drank more than half a bottle of bourbon on my own. At the end of the night, my boyfriend and I did the right thing and got a cab home. Unfortunately, on our return home I realised that I had left my handbag, along with the house keys, back at the party. Thankfully the taxi was still there so we got back in and went back and got my handbag.
So we got home and inside, and understandably, my boyfriend was really pissed off with me. He was pretty drunk too. The next thing I know, I'm being pushed into the wall and I hit my head on the corner of the wall and it starts bleeding. (I will point out here that this is not the first time that he had been rough with me)
I started to panic and was too scared to be in the house with him, so what did I do? I got in my car, and I drove to the police station!!
I don't really know what I was thinking. The only thing I think I was thinking, was that once before when my bf had been abusive, I had done the same thing. That time, the police had driven me home and been really sympathetic. They had spoken to my bf and given him a warning. So I think I thought the same thing would happen again. Clearly, my thinking was all over the place.
Anyway, I managed to get there in one piece and not harm anyone else along the way (which to this day I am so thankful for. I hate to think how I could have hurt myself or someone else).
I didn't get a lot of sympathy this time. It was a few years after the first incident so I'm guessing that the policeman on duty had no idea of my previous visit. Anyway, they wanted me to charge my boyfriend, but I got scared. I was too scared of what he would do to me if I did, so I refused to do it. They told me that if I didn't charge him, they would have no choice but to charge me with drunk driving.
By now I was panicking. I couldn't lose my license! I had clinical placements coming up for my uni course and had no way of getting there if I didn't have my license!
I thought of one of my uni friends. Her husband was a policemen, and whilst he didn't work in this town, he would know a lot of the police there. So I rang her (it was the early hours of the morning by this stage) and she kindly came in a couple of hours later. And even though her husband did know some of the people who worked at this particular police station, it didn't make an ounce of difference.
I was going to lose my license.
My friend drove me home. It was so nice of her to drive the 30 minutes from her town to help me, and I was so embarrassed. But I was angry too that the police didn't let me off. How dare they charge me?!
I crept inside and went to sleep in the spare bed. I told my boyfriend later in the day and I was so pissed off with him because it was all his fault. I can't remember what he said but I do know that he wasn't very sympathetic and I don't think I got an apology for the abuse. I think he just thought he was pissed and he shoved me, no big deal.
In the end, I was able to drive for a month before the 12 month loss of license kicked in, so I was able to drive to my placements at one of the local hospitals. Then after that, I would ride my bike to uni and wherever I needed to go. I told my employer that my car had broken down so couldn't drive to work, so a colleague who lived near me would pick me up and take me to and from work. It never occurred to me to drive without a license (I know a lot of people do this).
I had to pay a fine, and lost my license for 12 months. I never told my mum. I drove up to mums a few days after and my brother came with me. I had a bruise above my eye which I covered up with makeup. I think I told my brother but it's something we never talk about, so I can't really remember!! I know I told my older brother because he drove my car a few time for me when he was visiting.
I used to be so resentful of my bf. I used to blame him for it. If he hadn't been violent and pushed me, it would never have happened. Which may be true, but I have learnt over the last few years to look at it properly and to own my part in it. Yeah, he pushed me, but I shouldn't have driven drunk. I could have hurt someone.
So that's my shameful story. You can see why it's something that I never talk about. But it is a part of my story. And it's an important one.
Do you want to know why? Because it changed my life. For the better.
When I finished uni, I had to do a graduate nursing year. We had to pick 4 hospitals and go through the interview process. So I chose 3 country hospital and one the big city, 3 and a half hours away. With public transport being non-existent in the country, I told my boyfriend I would have to go the hospital in the city. There wasn't much he could say as I didn't have a licence and wouldn't be able to get to work if I chose one of the hospitals in the counry.
So I moved to Melbourne, and would visit him when I had a few days off in a row. Towards the end of my 12 months there, I had to go to drink driving school and then go to court to get my license back. For another 12 months (or was it 3 years? I can't remember!!) I had to have zero alcohol in my blood when I drove.
And at the end of my graduate year, I told my bf that I would not be moving back to the country with him. I was going to stay in Melbourne, and we broke up.
So you see, it was the best thing that could have happened to me in a way. If I hadn't lost my license, I would have stayed in the country and would probably still be with him. God knows what my life would be like now.
I still ended up with a drinking problem. But at least I got married and had my beautiful son.
And now I can really start to know myself. Find out who I am. I am on a journey of self discovery and it's the most important journey of all.
A x
It wasn't my fault of course.
Towards the end of my university degree, my then boyfriend and I went to one of his colleagues 40th birthday party. This guy and his wife, whilst they were older than us, were quite good friends of ours. I was 30 years old at the time.
Anyway, over the course of the night, I drank more than half a bottle of bourbon on my own. At the end of the night, my boyfriend and I did the right thing and got a cab home. Unfortunately, on our return home I realised that I had left my handbag, along with the house keys, back at the party. Thankfully the taxi was still there so we got back in and went back and got my handbag.
So we got home and inside, and understandably, my boyfriend was really pissed off with me. He was pretty drunk too. The next thing I know, I'm being pushed into the wall and I hit my head on the corner of the wall and it starts bleeding. (I will point out here that this is not the first time that he had been rough with me)
I started to panic and was too scared to be in the house with him, so what did I do? I got in my car, and I drove to the police station!!
I don't really know what I was thinking. The only thing I think I was thinking, was that once before when my bf had been abusive, I had done the same thing. That time, the police had driven me home and been really sympathetic. They had spoken to my bf and given him a warning. So I think I thought the same thing would happen again. Clearly, my thinking was all over the place.
Anyway, I managed to get there in one piece and not harm anyone else along the way (which to this day I am so thankful for. I hate to think how I could have hurt myself or someone else).
I didn't get a lot of sympathy this time. It was a few years after the first incident so I'm guessing that the policeman on duty had no idea of my previous visit. Anyway, they wanted me to charge my boyfriend, but I got scared. I was too scared of what he would do to me if I did, so I refused to do it. They told me that if I didn't charge him, they would have no choice but to charge me with drunk driving.
By now I was panicking. I couldn't lose my license! I had clinical placements coming up for my uni course and had no way of getting there if I didn't have my license!
I thought of one of my uni friends. Her husband was a policemen, and whilst he didn't work in this town, he would know a lot of the police there. So I rang her (it was the early hours of the morning by this stage) and she kindly came in a couple of hours later. And even though her husband did know some of the people who worked at this particular police station, it didn't make an ounce of difference.
I was going to lose my license.
My friend drove me home. It was so nice of her to drive the 30 minutes from her town to help me, and I was so embarrassed. But I was angry too that the police didn't let me off. How dare they charge me?!
I crept inside and went to sleep in the spare bed. I told my boyfriend later in the day and I was so pissed off with him because it was all his fault. I can't remember what he said but I do know that he wasn't very sympathetic and I don't think I got an apology for the abuse. I think he just thought he was pissed and he shoved me, no big deal.
In the end, I was able to drive for a month before the 12 month loss of license kicked in, so I was able to drive to my placements at one of the local hospitals. Then after that, I would ride my bike to uni and wherever I needed to go. I told my employer that my car had broken down so couldn't drive to work, so a colleague who lived near me would pick me up and take me to and from work. It never occurred to me to drive without a license (I know a lot of people do this).
I had to pay a fine, and lost my license for 12 months. I never told my mum. I drove up to mums a few days after and my brother came with me. I had a bruise above my eye which I covered up with makeup. I think I told my brother but it's something we never talk about, so I can't really remember!! I know I told my older brother because he drove my car a few time for me when he was visiting.
I used to be so resentful of my bf. I used to blame him for it. If he hadn't been violent and pushed me, it would never have happened. Which may be true, but I have learnt over the last few years to look at it properly and to own my part in it. Yeah, he pushed me, but I shouldn't have driven drunk. I could have hurt someone.
So that's my shameful story. You can see why it's something that I never talk about. But it is a part of my story. And it's an important one.
Do you want to know why? Because it changed my life. For the better.
When I finished uni, I had to do a graduate nursing year. We had to pick 4 hospitals and go through the interview process. So I chose 3 country hospital and one the big city, 3 and a half hours away. With public transport being non-existent in the country, I told my boyfriend I would have to go the hospital in the city. There wasn't much he could say as I didn't have a licence and wouldn't be able to get to work if I chose one of the hospitals in the counry.
So I moved to Melbourne, and would visit him when I had a few days off in a row. Towards the end of my 12 months there, I had to go to drink driving school and then go to court to get my license back. For another 12 months (or was it 3 years? I can't remember!!) I had to have zero alcohol in my blood when I drove.
And at the end of my graduate year, I told my bf that I would not be moving back to the country with him. I was going to stay in Melbourne, and we broke up.
So you see, it was the best thing that could have happened to me in a way. If I hadn't lost my license, I would have stayed in the country and would probably still be with him. God knows what my life would be like now.
I still ended up with a drinking problem. But at least I got married and had my beautiful son.
And now I can really start to know myself. Find out who I am. I am on a journey of self discovery and it's the most important journey of all.
A x
Friday, 10 June 2016
Reflections on day 201
I've been thinking about when I went from being a normal drinker to being a problem drinker, and I think it was as far back as my early to mid 20's.
I was living in a large country town an hour and a half away from the small country town where I lived during my high school years and where mum still lived. My boyfriend at the time was a shift worker and was on a rotating roster doing day, afternoon and night shifts.
He would get home after an afternoon shift at about 11.15pm and we would watch a movie, sometimes 2, and drink into the early hours of the morning. When he was on night shift, I would sit up late, drinking by myself, having convinced myself that I needed wine to help me to sleep.
I would buy a 4 litre cask of wine (riesling, can you believe it?!!) and it would last me 3-4 days. I would rotate bottle shops so the person behind the counter wouldn't think I had a problem with drinking. And I had to always have some in the fridge so I wouldn't run out.
My boyfriend drank a lot too. He was quite possessive, so I didn't have any girlfriends. I guess you could say that alcohol was my best friend. Other than working on a casual basis at one of the local hospital as a State Enrolled Nurse, my life didn't have a lot of purpose. I would spend half the day in bed, trying to sleep off the hangovers. On the days that I worked, I usually worked an afternoon shift so I could still sleep in.
I remember one time, mum and I were going down to Melbourne for a short trip (we were probably going to a ballet or something, I can't remember exactly why we went that particular time). We met at the train station at about 11.30 in the morning to catch the train for the 3 and a half hour trip. Sometime during the trip, mum made a comment about being embarrassed to be seen with me because I looked tired and reeked of alcohol, and that she was worried about me. I remember being mortified, but also resentful that she would make such a comment, and I thought "I'll show her!"
So after that trip, I stop drinking during the week and would just drink on the weekends. And I did this for quite a while. I eventually went to university when I was 28 to get my Bachelor of Nursing and I managed to get to uni most days, so I don't think I was drinking every night then. But my memories are hazy so I'm not 100% sure.
I find it sad that I don't remember everything. That my memories are hazy. I just know that I was drinking problematically in my early twenties, years before mum made her comment.
I wasted my 20's drinking too much alcohol and living with a man I wasn't happy with, and I will never get that time back.
I sometimes feel like I blinked and missed my life. How sad is that?
My 30's were a whole new chapter in my life, so I will continue with that story next time.
Am so happy to be 201 days sober today! I wanted to blog yesterday on day 200 but Mr A was home sick so I didn't get the chance. Oh well, blogging on day 201 is pretty awesome too!
A x
I was living in a large country town an hour and a half away from the small country town where I lived during my high school years and where mum still lived. My boyfriend at the time was a shift worker and was on a rotating roster doing day, afternoon and night shifts.
He would get home after an afternoon shift at about 11.15pm and we would watch a movie, sometimes 2, and drink into the early hours of the morning. When he was on night shift, I would sit up late, drinking by myself, having convinced myself that I needed wine to help me to sleep.
I would buy a 4 litre cask of wine (riesling, can you believe it?!!) and it would last me 3-4 days. I would rotate bottle shops so the person behind the counter wouldn't think I had a problem with drinking. And I had to always have some in the fridge so I wouldn't run out.
My boyfriend drank a lot too. He was quite possessive, so I didn't have any girlfriends. I guess you could say that alcohol was my best friend. Other than working on a casual basis at one of the local hospital as a State Enrolled Nurse, my life didn't have a lot of purpose. I would spend half the day in bed, trying to sleep off the hangovers. On the days that I worked, I usually worked an afternoon shift so I could still sleep in.
I remember one time, mum and I were going down to Melbourne for a short trip (we were probably going to a ballet or something, I can't remember exactly why we went that particular time). We met at the train station at about 11.30 in the morning to catch the train for the 3 and a half hour trip. Sometime during the trip, mum made a comment about being embarrassed to be seen with me because I looked tired and reeked of alcohol, and that she was worried about me. I remember being mortified, but also resentful that she would make such a comment, and I thought "I'll show her!"
So after that trip, I stop drinking during the week and would just drink on the weekends. And I did this for quite a while. I eventually went to university when I was 28 to get my Bachelor of Nursing and I managed to get to uni most days, so I don't think I was drinking every night then. But my memories are hazy so I'm not 100% sure.
I find it sad that I don't remember everything. That my memories are hazy. I just know that I was drinking problematically in my early twenties, years before mum made her comment.
I wasted my 20's drinking too much alcohol and living with a man I wasn't happy with, and I will never get that time back.
I sometimes feel like I blinked and missed my life. How sad is that?
My 30's were a whole new chapter in my life, so I will continue with that story next time.
Am so happy to be 201 days sober today! I wanted to blog yesterday on day 200 but Mr A was home sick so I didn't get the chance. Oh well, blogging on day 201 is pretty awesome too!
A x
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