I just want to thank all my wonderful sober blogging friends for the words of encouragement and support on my last post. Your advice helped me so much and reminded me that I can't go back to the way I was before. Today is day 145 and I never want to go back to the beginning again, which is exactly where I would be if I gave in to the wine witch and her wicked suggestions that it's ok to have a glass or two of wine on those 'perfect' occasions.
When I first started on this journey the thought of not drinking for 31 days (Dry July) seemed like an insurmountable challenge. But I did it! Then Ocsober and other months here and there. But it wasn't enough. So I signed up to do Belle's 100 day challenge, which I thought was the ultimate challenge, and in my heart I didn't think I would be able to do it. But I did that too! But always back to the drinking. Always the promise that having a glass or two was okay, that I would be able to moderate this time. But of course I never could. Now at 145 days, a number that in the early days seemed so far out of reach, I realise that it is still really early days.
I spent years, decades, drinking. I can't I expect to undo all that in a matter of months. I need to be patient, and give in to the process.
I am learning that I can't do this alone.
So, I've been listening to the Home podcasts lately and am finding them really helpful. I ordered the book 'This Naked Mind' and it arrived last week, so I will read that soon. I joined a private sobriety support page on Facebook which is really helpful too. And I have all of my sober blogs of course. All your help and support is invaluable, and I appreciate you all so much.
But I'm not sure if all that is enough. I would love to have some real life support. Be able to meet up with other sober people. I have been contemplating going to a meeting for a long time but am yet to get to one. I might consider it again. Not sure what is holding me back. Fear maybe? Of what?
In my heart, I know what I'm scared of. I'm scared that by going to a meeting, it will make it all official. That there will be no going back. A point of no return. And I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. But will I ever be?
A x
Friday, 15 April 2016
Thursday, 14 April 2016
Doubts
I had last Sunday off work, so went on a little excursion into the city. It was just hubby, the little guy and me. We packed a lunch, jumped on a train and spent an afternoon being tourists in our own city. It was a lot of fun!
We ended our fun day eating our packed meal by the Yarra river, watching rowers going back and forth and people walking by.
It was a beautiful Autumn afternoon, sunny and warm. I said to hubby, this is the perfect occasion for a glass of wine, and he agreed with me. And it was. I sat there, drinking my diet coke, thinking in the old days, we would be sharing a bottle of wine or champagne and it would have been perfect.
But the reality is, whilst it may have felt perfect at the time, it wouldn't have been really. Because I would have gone home feeling mellow and relaxed from a lovely day out, and spoilt it all by drinking another bottle of wine and waking up the next day feeling hungover and filled with shame and misery.
But I can't shake those feelings of missing out. Of those 'perfect' times for a glass of wine. I feel sad that I can't do that anymore.
And then of course I start to think 'I wasn't that bad really'. Anyway, I know now what I have to do to not be that bad anymore. And I know this is all bullshit.
Because I can't go back and have a glass of wine. For me, there is no perfect time. But will these feelings ever go away?
I've been thinking ahead to October when we will be going on our annual holiday to a resort in the sun and already I'm feeling sad that I won't be able to drink. This is ridiculous! It's 6 months away! Why am I worrying about this now?! Besides, I will be almost 1 year into sobriety by then so hopefully it won't be an issue. But I can't shake these feelings.
I am committed to not drinking. I have signed up for 180 days (am on day 144 - I think) But I'm scared that my resolve is waning. And I'm scared that I'm feeling like this after so long. I feel like I'm in the early days again.
Why?
I want to be happy and confident in my sobriety. Not full of doubts. I know this is probably the wine witch talking but I can't help it.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
A x
We ended our fun day eating our packed meal by the Yarra river, watching rowers going back and forth and people walking by.
It was a beautiful Autumn afternoon, sunny and warm. I said to hubby, this is the perfect occasion for a glass of wine, and he agreed with me. And it was. I sat there, drinking my diet coke, thinking in the old days, we would be sharing a bottle of wine or champagne and it would have been perfect.
But the reality is, whilst it may have felt perfect at the time, it wouldn't have been really. Because I would have gone home feeling mellow and relaxed from a lovely day out, and spoilt it all by drinking another bottle of wine and waking up the next day feeling hungover and filled with shame and misery.
But I can't shake those feelings of missing out. Of those 'perfect' times for a glass of wine. I feel sad that I can't do that anymore.
And then of course I start to think 'I wasn't that bad really'. Anyway, I know now what I have to do to not be that bad anymore. And I know this is all bullshit.
Because I can't go back and have a glass of wine. For me, there is no perfect time. But will these feelings ever go away?
I've been thinking ahead to October when we will be going on our annual holiday to a resort in the sun and already I'm feeling sad that I won't be able to drink. This is ridiculous! It's 6 months away! Why am I worrying about this now?! Besides, I will be almost 1 year into sobriety by then so hopefully it won't be an issue. But I can't shake these feelings.
I am committed to not drinking. I have signed up for 180 days (am on day 144 - I think) But I'm scared that my resolve is waning. And I'm scared that I'm feeling like this after so long. I feel like I'm in the early days again.
Why?
I want to be happy and confident in my sobriety. Not full of doubts. I know this is probably the wine witch talking but I can't help it.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
A x
Monday, 4 April 2016
I'm still here
I haven't posted for a while, but I am still here!
My little guy is on school holidays for two weeks (today is the start of the 2nd week) and it feels wonderful to wake up in the mornings with no hangover, and to be fully present for him. I am still far from perfect though. I spend too much time on the computer. I could be spending more time cleaning the house. We could go outside more and go to the park. But I am not complaining. For once, I am just glad that I am sober and no longer stuck in the drinking cycle that kept me prisoner for so long. Day 134 today!
I know I should blog more often. It really helps. I just get out of the momentum and then I struggle with what to write. Today I told myself to write anyway, and see if the words come. So here I am!
We had a bbq dinner at the park on Friday evening. It was the last night of day light savings, so we thought we would make the most of our last evening of light. My friend C had been trying not to drink every night and hadn't had a glass of wine since Monday, so she was hanging out for a glass! She ended up drinking quite a lot and was quite tipsy in the end. She apologised to me the next day because she felt bad for getting so drunk. I didn't say much. I just said that I knew what that felt like which is why I am not drinking now. She even said that she had googled how to not binge drink. Then I began thinking "what if she stumbles across my blog?! What if she finds out I've been writing about her?" But I doubt she will. I don't think it's easy to find.
I wanted to tell her that I have books she is welcome to borrow, but something held me back. I might give it some time and see how she goes. I am sure she will tell me if she is worried about her drinking (although I think she already is a bit) But I know from experience how difficult it is to talk about it.
Her hubby made a comment about being jealous of me not drinking. I was going to talk to him about it more but we got distracted by the kids and the moment was gone. It might come up again another time.
I have this week off work! I know it's only a week but I'm so excited that I get to spend more time with my little guy. There is a Jurassic World exhibition we'd like to go to, plus the movies and we will definitely go to the park a few times. I am going to bake his favourite cookies this afternoon and go the library to borrow the books we have reserved. I want to make the most of this last week of school holidays and really enjoy some quality time with my son.
I had a few drinking thoughts last week. Not that I'm going to follow through on them. Just that it would be nice to have a glass of bubbles now and then. But the thing is, it is never a glass now and then. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Over and over again.
So I'm off to do something productive. I will try and post more often!
A x
My little guy is on school holidays for two weeks (today is the start of the 2nd week) and it feels wonderful to wake up in the mornings with no hangover, and to be fully present for him. I am still far from perfect though. I spend too much time on the computer. I could be spending more time cleaning the house. We could go outside more and go to the park. But I am not complaining. For once, I am just glad that I am sober and no longer stuck in the drinking cycle that kept me prisoner for so long. Day 134 today!
I know I should blog more often. It really helps. I just get out of the momentum and then I struggle with what to write. Today I told myself to write anyway, and see if the words come. So here I am!
We had a bbq dinner at the park on Friday evening. It was the last night of day light savings, so we thought we would make the most of our last evening of light. My friend C had been trying not to drink every night and hadn't had a glass of wine since Monday, so she was hanging out for a glass! She ended up drinking quite a lot and was quite tipsy in the end. She apologised to me the next day because she felt bad for getting so drunk. I didn't say much. I just said that I knew what that felt like which is why I am not drinking now. She even said that she had googled how to not binge drink. Then I began thinking "what if she stumbles across my blog?! What if she finds out I've been writing about her?" But I doubt she will. I don't think it's easy to find.
I wanted to tell her that I have books she is welcome to borrow, but something held me back. I might give it some time and see how she goes. I am sure she will tell me if she is worried about her drinking (although I think she already is a bit) But I know from experience how difficult it is to talk about it.
Her hubby made a comment about being jealous of me not drinking. I was going to talk to him about it more but we got distracted by the kids and the moment was gone. It might come up again another time.
I have this week off work! I know it's only a week but I'm so excited that I get to spend more time with my little guy. There is a Jurassic World exhibition we'd like to go to, plus the movies and we will definitely go to the park a few times. I am going to bake his favourite cookies this afternoon and go the library to borrow the books we have reserved. I want to make the most of this last week of school holidays and really enjoy some quality time with my son.
I had a few drinking thoughts last week. Not that I'm going to follow through on them. Just that it would be nice to have a glass of bubbles now and then. But the thing is, it is never a glass now and then. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Over and over again.
So I'm off to do something productive. I will try and post more often!
A x
Wednesday, 23 March 2016
So grateful
I nearly had a car accident this morning. I was driving the little guy to school and had right of way, when a car went through a stop sign. They did stop, looked the other way but didn't look left and I managed to slam on the brakes and miss them by centimetres. It was frightening! We were shaken up, but thankfully ok, as well as the elderly couple in the other car.
I am so thankful that I wasn't drinking last night. If I had been, I would have been feeling tired and grumpy, frustrated to be running late for school drop off. My reflexes might have been slower, and I might have slammed on the brakes a moment or two later and it might have been a completely different outcome.
I feel very grateful this morning.
I had a crazy, busy shift at work last night and didn't leave till 10pm, half an hour late (and we don;t get paid overtime). I was really frustrated that work continues to be so busy. That there isn't extra staff to lighten the load when we have so many sick patients on the ward.
A few months back, I would have dropped into the late night bottle shop on the way home and bought 2 bottles of wine. And I would have had a whole bottle and maybe opened the 2nd one, and I would have stayed up quite late drinking. This morning I would have been feeling tired and hungover.
I am just so grateful that that isn't me anymore.
It is the last day of school tomorrow before Easter and 2 weeks school holidays. I'm looking forward to it. I will be up every day with the little guy, happy to spend the morning with him. Instead of trying to sleep off a hangover, leaving him to his own devices. I won't have his little voice saying 'are you going to get up now mum?' It breaks my heart that that is how it used to be.
I have to remind myself that that isn't me anymore. And I am so grateful for that.
I am so thankful that I wasn't drinking last night. If I had been, I would have been feeling tired and grumpy, frustrated to be running late for school drop off. My reflexes might have been slower, and I might have slammed on the brakes a moment or two later and it might have been a completely different outcome.
I feel very grateful this morning.
I had a crazy, busy shift at work last night and didn't leave till 10pm, half an hour late (and we don;t get paid overtime). I was really frustrated that work continues to be so busy. That there isn't extra staff to lighten the load when we have so many sick patients on the ward.
A few months back, I would have dropped into the late night bottle shop on the way home and bought 2 bottles of wine. And I would have had a whole bottle and maybe opened the 2nd one, and I would have stayed up quite late drinking. This morning I would have been feeling tired and hungover.
I am just so grateful that that isn't me anymore.
It is the last day of school tomorrow before Easter and 2 weeks school holidays. I'm looking forward to it. I will be up every day with the little guy, happy to spend the morning with him. Instead of trying to sleep off a hangover, leaving him to his own devices. I won't have his little voice saying 'are you going to get up now mum?' It breaks my heart that that is how it used to be.
I have to remind myself that that isn't me anymore. And I am so grateful for that.
Tuesday, 22 March 2016
Ponderings of day 121
I used to be a heavy smoker. I quit 10 and a half years ago. And it was bloody hard!!
I used to smoke a packet (of 25's) a day and sometimes more. I quit once for nearly 2 years but took it up again when I went to university as a mature aged student (at 28) Taking it up again was one of the stupidest things I've ever done. I managed to quit for good the second time and it's one of the best thing I've ever done.
The first time I quit, I had been experiencing tingling in my legs and was terrified that they would have to be amputated! (remember I'm a nurse!) So I had good motivation to stop. But it wasn't easy. I wore nicotine patches for a month, gradually reducing the dose until I didn't need them anymore. It was a long time ago, so my memory is poor, but whilst it was hard, I think it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.
Trying to quit the 2nd time was harder. I had been smoking for a longer period of time by then and I wanted to stop before falling pregnant. This time, I real Allen Carr's 'Easy way to stop smoking', which totally changed my mindset about smoking, and I quit wearing nicotine patches for only a week this time.
Both times though, it was hard to quit. The passage of time makes me forget exactly how hard it was, but I know it was. It was all I thought about for a long time, but I can't remember how long for.
These days, I don't think about smoking at all. I will walk past someone who blows out a buff of smoke and I will either think 'yuck!' or it may take me back to my smoking days. Other times I don't think about it at all. It's just there.
I don't remember when I stopped thinking about it.
And what I'm wondering is, will it ever be like this with drinking?
Will there come a time when I won't think about it anymore? Or will I always be reading sober blogs and listening to podcasts hosted by people in recovery?
I don't feel like I am in recovery from smoking. But maybe I am? What is different about drinking?
I would love to get to a stage in my life where I don't think about drinking anymore. But I'm not sure if that will happen.
I'm curious to know what other people think about this. What are your thoughts?
A x
I used to smoke a packet (of 25's) a day and sometimes more. I quit once for nearly 2 years but took it up again when I went to university as a mature aged student (at 28) Taking it up again was one of the stupidest things I've ever done. I managed to quit for good the second time and it's one of the best thing I've ever done.
The first time I quit, I had been experiencing tingling in my legs and was terrified that they would have to be amputated! (remember I'm a nurse!) So I had good motivation to stop. But it wasn't easy. I wore nicotine patches for a month, gradually reducing the dose until I didn't need them anymore. It was a long time ago, so my memory is poor, but whilst it was hard, I think it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be.
Trying to quit the 2nd time was harder. I had been smoking for a longer period of time by then and I wanted to stop before falling pregnant. This time, I real Allen Carr's 'Easy way to stop smoking', which totally changed my mindset about smoking, and I quit wearing nicotine patches for only a week this time.
Both times though, it was hard to quit. The passage of time makes me forget exactly how hard it was, but I know it was. It was all I thought about for a long time, but I can't remember how long for.
These days, I don't think about smoking at all. I will walk past someone who blows out a buff of smoke and I will either think 'yuck!' or it may take me back to my smoking days. Other times I don't think about it at all. It's just there.
I don't remember when I stopped thinking about it.
And what I'm wondering is, will it ever be like this with drinking?
Will there come a time when I won't think about it anymore? Or will I always be reading sober blogs and listening to podcasts hosted by people in recovery?
I don't feel like I am in recovery from smoking. But maybe I am? What is different about drinking?
I would love to get to a stage in my life where I don't think about drinking anymore. But I'm not sure if that will happen.
I'm curious to know what other people think about this. What are your thoughts?
A x
Friday, 18 March 2016
Bottling up my feelings
Mum and I were talking about drinking last weekend. It was mainly about my brother; the one with the drinking problem, and how worried we are about him. I was saying that he needs to go to rehab if he were to stop drinking. Mum agreed and said he wouldn't be able to 'just stop like I did'.
Just stop like I did?!! Like I just stopped and that was it?! This statement really bugged me. We all know that that is NOT how it happened. But to be fair to mum, I haven't spoken to her in depth about my drinking problem. But I was still annoyed. Mum knows I drank too much. Heck, she commented about it often enough! Plus she lived with my alcoholic father for a long time, so she knows it's a problem that runs in the family. My father was never able to conquer his drinking demons and he died as a result in 2014.
So to hear mum say that hurt a bit. But did I correct her? No I didn't. And I'm not sure why.
Maybe it's because I'm so used to bottling up my feelings. I've been like this all my life.
God forbid if anyone finds out how much I am hurting inside. How stressed I often am. How depressed I sometimes feel. How at times I feel that life is hopeless and what did I ever do to deserve this? Or that maybe I deserve the shit things in my life because I have a drinking problem.
Mum has no idea what I have gone through because I don't tell her. I don't tell anyone. Which is why I really need to see a councellor or psychologist. I know continued stress isn't good for you. But it's all I know. But I'm sick of it!
But I will be ok. I always am (on the outside anyway!)
Today I am on day 117. Which is pretty bloody good!
A x
Just stop like I did?!! Like I just stopped and that was it?! This statement really bugged me. We all know that that is NOT how it happened. But to be fair to mum, I haven't spoken to her in depth about my drinking problem. But I was still annoyed. Mum knows I drank too much. Heck, she commented about it often enough! Plus she lived with my alcoholic father for a long time, so she knows it's a problem that runs in the family. My father was never able to conquer his drinking demons and he died as a result in 2014.
So to hear mum say that hurt a bit. But did I correct her? No I didn't. And I'm not sure why.
Maybe it's because I'm so used to bottling up my feelings. I've been like this all my life.
God forbid if anyone finds out how much I am hurting inside. How stressed I often am. How depressed I sometimes feel. How at times I feel that life is hopeless and what did I ever do to deserve this? Or that maybe I deserve the shit things in my life because I have a drinking problem.
Mum has no idea what I have gone through because I don't tell her. I don't tell anyone. Which is why I really need to see a councellor or psychologist. I know continued stress isn't good for you. But it's all I know. But I'm sick of it!
But I will be ok. I always am (on the outside anyway!)
Today I am on day 117. Which is pretty bloody good!
A x
Thursday, 17 March 2016
Day 116
I survived my high school reunion!
It was fun seeing my fellow students again after 30 years! Surprisingly, everyone looked pretty much the same save for a few lines and an extra kilo or two here and there. We started off with a tour of our old school. It felt strange being there again after all these years! It took me straight back to being a teenager again!
Then we headed out to the country races. Of course I agonised over what to wear, in the end opting for pants and a nice top. And of course most of the other girls were wearing dresses and hats or a fascinator so I felt a bit out of place, but I didn't let it get to me. Everyone was really friendly. Even the girls I wasn't particularly friendly with said hello and were quite nice, so I was hugely relieved!
I drank diet coke all day and NOT ONE person asked me why I wasn't drinking! Nearly everyone had a drink or two but it just wasn't about the drinking. It was about catching up with old friends and reminiscing about the old days.
I was surprised to learn that a few of the popular girls who seemed to have it all together struggled at times too. And one girl even thought I was popular and confident back then which couldn't be further from the truth! So we had a bit of a laugh about that and had a really good day. My two good friends were really happy to see me and were glad I went, so that was a confidence booster too.
We then went out to the local pub for dinner and once again, no one asked me why I wasn't drinking. it just wasn't an issue. I was quite surprised!
It was a long day though. By dinner time, I was ready to go home. I waited till after though and when one of my friends told me she was leaving early as she had a big drive the next day I offered to drive her home. It was good leaving with someone else and not having to stand out by leaving by myself.
All in all, I'm glad I went. It was great to catch up with some of the girls and guys too, but there were some that I probably won't see again. Which is fine, you can't be friends with everybody.
And from now on, when I visit mum, I am going to try and not worry about what anyone thinks of me. because it just doesn't matter. And most of the time, they're probably not thinking about me anyway! I am going to work on building my confidence and self esteem. I am not drinking anymore and that's a wonderful thing! I deserve to be proud of myself.
I have to say though, it was wonderful having my husband by my side the whole time. I couldn't have done it without him. So thank you hubby!
Today is day 116. Nearly 4 months! I still can't believe it sometimes. When I started, 100 days seemed insurmountable. Now I am aiming for 180 days. After that, a year. I really think I can do this!
A x
It was fun seeing my fellow students again after 30 years! Surprisingly, everyone looked pretty much the same save for a few lines and an extra kilo or two here and there. We started off with a tour of our old school. It felt strange being there again after all these years! It took me straight back to being a teenager again!
Then we headed out to the country races. Of course I agonised over what to wear, in the end opting for pants and a nice top. And of course most of the other girls were wearing dresses and hats or a fascinator so I felt a bit out of place, but I didn't let it get to me. Everyone was really friendly. Even the girls I wasn't particularly friendly with said hello and were quite nice, so I was hugely relieved!
I drank diet coke all day and NOT ONE person asked me why I wasn't drinking! Nearly everyone had a drink or two but it just wasn't about the drinking. It was about catching up with old friends and reminiscing about the old days.
I was surprised to learn that a few of the popular girls who seemed to have it all together struggled at times too. And one girl even thought I was popular and confident back then which couldn't be further from the truth! So we had a bit of a laugh about that and had a really good day. My two good friends were really happy to see me and were glad I went, so that was a confidence booster too.
We then went out to the local pub for dinner and once again, no one asked me why I wasn't drinking. it just wasn't an issue. I was quite surprised!
It was a long day though. By dinner time, I was ready to go home. I waited till after though and when one of my friends told me she was leaving early as she had a big drive the next day I offered to drive her home. It was good leaving with someone else and not having to stand out by leaving by myself.
All in all, I'm glad I went. It was great to catch up with some of the girls and guys too, but there were some that I probably won't see again. Which is fine, you can't be friends with everybody.
And from now on, when I visit mum, I am going to try and not worry about what anyone thinks of me. because it just doesn't matter. And most of the time, they're probably not thinking about me anyway! I am going to work on building my confidence and self esteem. I am not drinking anymore and that's a wonderful thing! I deserve to be proud of myself.
I have to say though, it was wonderful having my husband by my side the whole time. I couldn't have done it without him. So thank you hubby!
Today is day 116. Nearly 4 months! I still can't believe it sometimes. When I started, 100 days seemed insurmountable. Now I am aiming for 180 days. After that, a year. I really think I can do this!
A x
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