Saturday, 7 February 2015
So frustrated right now!
Would really love a wine right now. I am so sick and tired of my husband and his moods. Not handling his stress at all. I haven't got time to write a post but would dearly love to vent!!!
Thursday, 5 February 2015
Feelings
I had a really flat day yesterday. Not sure why? I just couldn't find any motivation to do anything and felt sad all day. I just had to ride it out and knew that today would be better.
I've come to the realisation that I don't do feelings. I've always been the type of person who bottles things up and doesn't talk about things. I've always been like this. Then when I started reading sober blogs and reading books I discovered that a lot of people use alcohol to avoid feeling emotions and I wondered if maybe I do that too? But I didn't always drink and I've always been like this, so I don't know.
I do know that I can't seem to find any motivation, even when I am not drinking. I look at my cluttered house and all our belongings and I hate it. I look at all of my little boys toys and clothes and realise that we own practically every single thing he's had since he was a baby. It's partly because we were hoping to have a 2nd child so kept things for that reason but sadly it didn't happen and little guy is now 8. So it's time to get rid of some stuff. We have passed a couple of things on to our nephews, some clothes and a few toys but not much. I've mentioned to OH that we should take some stuff to a second hand shop but he wants to sell it on ebay instead. In the end, it all just sits there and looks a mess. I would love to have a spotless, minimalist type house but somehow I can't see it ever happening. Everything is just too hard.
Yesterday my younger brother came over to borrow a gate we used to use when little guy was a toddler to stop him getting into the kitchen. My brother has 3 kids and is moving to a lovely big house with stairs so needs the gate to stop their 2 year old from falling down them. I think a part of me was sad because I knew we would never have another use for the gate and maybe that's why I felt so flat yesterday? I do feel a deep sadness inside that we couldn't have another baby, and it never really goes away.
Bloody hell, writing that made me sad! I even shed a few tears! But in typical fashion I quickly stopped them because I don't want to deal with these feelings. See?! I told you I don't do feelings.
I probably need to do something about that.
A x
I've come to the realisation that I don't do feelings. I've always been the type of person who bottles things up and doesn't talk about things. I've always been like this. Then when I started reading sober blogs and reading books I discovered that a lot of people use alcohol to avoid feeling emotions and I wondered if maybe I do that too? But I didn't always drink and I've always been like this, so I don't know.
I do know that I can't seem to find any motivation, even when I am not drinking. I look at my cluttered house and all our belongings and I hate it. I look at all of my little boys toys and clothes and realise that we own practically every single thing he's had since he was a baby. It's partly because we were hoping to have a 2nd child so kept things for that reason but sadly it didn't happen and little guy is now 8. So it's time to get rid of some stuff. We have passed a couple of things on to our nephews, some clothes and a few toys but not much. I've mentioned to OH that we should take some stuff to a second hand shop but he wants to sell it on ebay instead. In the end, it all just sits there and looks a mess. I would love to have a spotless, minimalist type house but somehow I can't see it ever happening. Everything is just too hard.
Yesterday my younger brother came over to borrow a gate we used to use when little guy was a toddler to stop him getting into the kitchen. My brother has 3 kids and is moving to a lovely big house with stairs so needs the gate to stop their 2 year old from falling down them. I think a part of me was sad because I knew we would never have another use for the gate and maybe that's why I felt so flat yesterday? I do feel a deep sadness inside that we couldn't have another baby, and it never really goes away.
Bloody hell, writing that made me sad! I even shed a few tears! But in typical fashion I quickly stopped them because I don't want to deal with these feelings. See?! I told you I don't do feelings.
I probably need to do something about that.
A x
Monday, 2 February 2015
Thank God for Febfast
Here I am on day 2. And all I can say is thank God for Febfast! I am back on my sober trail and know I will be here for 28 days at least. And it hasn't been hard to do because my last 24 day stint of sobriety was still fresh and it feels like I'm just continuing on from that. But those 4 nights of drinking did happen and I have acknowledge the reason for that.
Someone asked me if I have therapy or have been to a meeting. I haven't. I'm thinking I might try seeing a therapist. There is certainly a lot of baggage I've carried around with me for most of my life and it's probably about time I started to sort through it. I need to do something because this merry-go-round of stopping for a while and then starting again is becoming exhausting. As for a meeting, I'm not sure about those. Wouldn't that mean admitting I'm an 'alcoholic'?! I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that.
I told my friend that I'm doing Febfast and she said she'd like to do it too. I saw her at school drop off this morning and asked her about it. She said she'll do it unofficially. I said we could be sober buddies and then she told me that she is going out to dinner on Thursday night and implied that she would have to have a drink then. So I don't know. Somehow I don't think I'm going to have a sober buddy after all. But it's good that I can talk to her about it. Although I don't tell her everything. Just that I have been drinking too much and that having a 'break' is good for me. Certainly no mention of the 'A' word.
Our holiday is drawing near. We are planning on going away around the 24th Feb so I won't be drinking at the start of the holiday. I'm hoping that having those few AF days at the start will put me in good stead to continue on a booze free holiday. I just hope I can stay strong!
A x
Someone asked me if I have therapy or have been to a meeting. I haven't. I'm thinking I might try seeing a therapist. There is certainly a lot of baggage I've carried around with me for most of my life and it's probably about time I started to sort through it. I need to do something because this merry-go-round of stopping for a while and then starting again is becoming exhausting. As for a meeting, I'm not sure about those. Wouldn't that mean admitting I'm an 'alcoholic'?! I'm not sure if I'm ready to do that.
I told my friend that I'm doing Febfast and she said she'd like to do it too. I saw her at school drop off this morning and asked her about it. She said she'll do it unofficially. I said we could be sober buddies and then she told me that she is going out to dinner on Thursday night and implied that she would have to have a drink then. So I don't know. Somehow I don't think I'm going to have a sober buddy after all. But it's good that I can talk to her about it. Although I don't tell her everything. Just that I have been drinking too much and that having a 'break' is good for me. Certainly no mention of the 'A' word.
Our holiday is drawing near. We are planning on going away around the 24th Feb so I won't be drinking at the start of the holiday. I'm hoping that having those few AF days at the start will put me in good stead to continue on a booze free holiday. I just hope I can stay strong!
A x
Saturday, 31 January 2015
A blip in the road
So, I got to 24 days AF and then it was my birthday. I was looking forward to having my first sober birthday since I was about, I don't know, maybe 18 or 19? I honestly can't remember. I may have had sober birthdays before but just can't remember. So many years have passed and my memory isn't that great.
Anyway, we went out for dinner with our friends (a couple we have gotten close to and really enjoy their company and Mr 8 is good friends with their son) I was planning on not drinking and I knew our friends would understand as when I did dry July and Ocsober last year they were really supportive. But suddenly, I just felt like having a drink on my birthday, so just like that I ordered a sparkling wine. And I enjoyed it. Our friends then arrived and we had a few drinks together. I didn't go crazy, enjoyed about 4 glasses (not large glasses) and thought, maybe I can do this, just have a few one night and then be sober for the rest of the week. After we left OH asked me if I wanted to get some wine on the way home and I said no!! I went home and drank water and felt fine the next day. But then the next night, I shared a bottle of bubbly with OH and then 3/4 a bottle of wine and woke up feeling quite ordinary yesterday morning. Which reminded me once again why I had given up drinking in the first place. But then I had a bottle of bubbly again last night because we couldn't let the strawberries go to waste now could we?! And I finished the rest of the wine. Today I feel ok. But what will happen tonight, and the next nights? What happened to my thoughts of drinking a few on one night and then not again till the next occasion? I just know I can't do it. I know that before I know it I will be drinking again every night and feeling miserable and struggling to stop again.
When we were having dinner with our friends our hubbies went of to the games room and my friend and I were chatting. I told her I had not had a drink for 24 days and how I had been planning on not drinking that night. She told me how good I was for having a break. We spoke about drinking too much and how we want to lose some weight and I get the feeling that she drinks a bit too much too. But does that mean she has a problem? I don't know. Some people seem to be able to drink most nights and not have a problem. Or maybe they do but just don't speak about it?
I have decided to sign up for Febfast. I find it easier when I am doing it publicly and then no one questions why I'm doing it. Then I know I can't drink for x amount of days and will hopefully continue once the challenge is over. The longest I've managed before is 42 days.
So will I drink tonight? Probably. But Febfast starts tomorrow - so a fresh start.
A x
Anyway, we went out for dinner with our friends (a couple we have gotten close to and really enjoy their company and Mr 8 is good friends with their son) I was planning on not drinking and I knew our friends would understand as when I did dry July and Ocsober last year they were really supportive. But suddenly, I just felt like having a drink on my birthday, so just like that I ordered a sparkling wine. And I enjoyed it. Our friends then arrived and we had a few drinks together. I didn't go crazy, enjoyed about 4 glasses (not large glasses) and thought, maybe I can do this, just have a few one night and then be sober for the rest of the week. After we left OH asked me if I wanted to get some wine on the way home and I said no!! I went home and drank water and felt fine the next day. But then the next night, I shared a bottle of bubbly with OH and then 3/4 a bottle of wine and woke up feeling quite ordinary yesterday morning. Which reminded me once again why I had given up drinking in the first place. But then I had a bottle of bubbly again last night because we couldn't let the strawberries go to waste now could we?! And I finished the rest of the wine. Today I feel ok. But what will happen tonight, and the next nights? What happened to my thoughts of drinking a few on one night and then not again till the next occasion? I just know I can't do it. I know that before I know it I will be drinking again every night and feeling miserable and struggling to stop again.
When we were having dinner with our friends our hubbies went of to the games room and my friend and I were chatting. I told her I had not had a drink for 24 days and how I had been planning on not drinking that night. She told me how good I was for having a break. We spoke about drinking too much and how we want to lose some weight and I get the feeling that she drinks a bit too much too. But does that mean she has a problem? I don't know. Some people seem to be able to drink most nights and not have a problem. Or maybe they do but just don't speak about it?
I have decided to sign up for Febfast. I find it easier when I am doing it publicly and then no one questions why I'm doing it. Then I know I can't drink for x amount of days and will hopefully continue once the challenge is over. The longest I've managed before is 42 days.
So will I drink tonight? Probably. But Febfast starts tomorrow - so a fresh start.
A x
Wednesday, 21 January 2015
Challenges ahead
I found out yesterday that the 5 weeks long service leave I put in for in for has been approved. I am so excited! I have a whopping 17 weeks owing but in my industry it's not always easy to get leave when you want it, so 5 weeks is awesome!! OH has this time off also so we are going to go to Queensland for a couple of weeks. Ordinarily we go in October but we didn't get there last year as mum had had her operation and we were helping her with her recovery instead. So it's a long overdue holiday and we are really looking forward to it!
I'm a bit nervous though. How will I go not drinking? In years past OH would make a trip to a bottle shop and stock up on copious amounts of wine and champagne and beer and we would drink EVERY single night! It was ok though because we were on holidays! We would take it in turns sleeping in and on my morning of getting up early with Mr 8 I would get him his breakfast and then try and snooze on the couch for a few hours while he played. Then we would start our day at around lunch time.
I know it was way too much wine and incredibly unhealthy, but a part of me can't imagine having our bbq's by the pool of an evening without a few glasses of bubbly followed by wine in our hotel apartment late into the evening. I am going to have to be really strong and work on keeping sober in the lead up to this. I really really hope I can stay strong.
It's Australia Day on Monday so a long weekend. We are heading down to the beach to my inlaws beach house today after OH finishes work. Normally we would come back on Saturday night because I have to work on Sunday but I'm thinking of having a 'rest' day so we can stay a couple of more days. I've been down there before when I haven't been drinking. I think it was in October when I was doing Ocsober and went 6 weeks AF. So I know I can do it. It's summer now though so it might be a bit more of a challenge. So I am going to have to arm myself with some sober tools. I am reading a book called 'Why You Drink and How to Stop - Journey to Freedom' by Veronica Valli. It's really good, so I will take that with me and hopefully finish that. I have The Bubble Hour podcasts to listen too. And also Lucy Rocca's memoir to read. So hopefully I will be ok.
So, some good times ahead! But temptation as well. I hope I can stay strong and not give in to the evil voice in my head.
A x
I'm a bit nervous though. How will I go not drinking? In years past OH would make a trip to a bottle shop and stock up on copious amounts of wine and champagne and beer and we would drink EVERY single night! It was ok though because we were on holidays! We would take it in turns sleeping in and on my morning of getting up early with Mr 8 I would get him his breakfast and then try and snooze on the couch for a few hours while he played. Then we would start our day at around lunch time.
I know it was way too much wine and incredibly unhealthy, but a part of me can't imagine having our bbq's by the pool of an evening without a few glasses of bubbly followed by wine in our hotel apartment late into the evening. I am going to have to be really strong and work on keeping sober in the lead up to this. I really really hope I can stay strong.
It's Australia Day on Monday so a long weekend. We are heading down to the beach to my inlaws beach house today after OH finishes work. Normally we would come back on Saturday night because I have to work on Sunday but I'm thinking of having a 'rest' day so we can stay a couple of more days. I've been down there before when I haven't been drinking. I think it was in October when I was doing Ocsober and went 6 weeks AF. So I know I can do it. It's summer now though so it might be a bit more of a challenge. So I am going to have to arm myself with some sober tools. I am reading a book called 'Why You Drink and How to Stop - Journey to Freedom' by Veronica Valli. It's really good, so I will take that with me and hopefully finish that. I have The Bubble Hour podcasts to listen too. And also Lucy Rocca's memoir to read. So hopefully I will be ok.
So, some good times ahead! But temptation as well. I hope I can stay strong and not give in to the evil voice in my head.
A x
Saturday, 17 January 2015
Two weeks
Day 14 today. I'm feeling pretty good. No desire to drink so far. I even forgot what day I was up to yesterday. Is that a good thing? I haven't been putting any work into it though. I've been reading sober blogs but that's all. I haven't been logging onto to the Living Sober website or trying to better myself, despite how I feel about myself and expressed in my last post. I need to start working on that. It's just that at the moment I feel ok with not drinking and that feels enough. My son is home on school holidays and it's easier to just 'be'. To concentrate on him and not myself. I guess I will see how I feel in the next week or so.
Yesterday we went to an adventure park with tree climbing and tube slides, it was great fun. On the way home my friend said to me 'a cold glass of champagne or chardonnay sounds good. What do you feel like?' I just evaded the question. Either sounded pretty good to me but I just thought to myself 'I'm not drinking now so I won't be having either'. I didn't tell her I wasn't drinking (and why did I almost type 'at the moment'?!) I will have to tell her at some stage as we are likely to go out to dinner before the boys go back to school and she and her husband like a drink.
There's not much point to this post I guess. I just wanted to acknowledge that I'm 2 weeks AF and that I feel good about it. I'm sure this will change at some stage, but for now, I'm going to enjoy not feeling bad or depressed or flat. I am just going to enjoy not having the obsession of drinking or not drinking taking over my every waking moment.
A x
Yesterday we went to an adventure park with tree climbing and tube slides, it was great fun. On the way home my friend said to me 'a cold glass of champagne or chardonnay sounds good. What do you feel like?' I just evaded the question. Either sounded pretty good to me but I just thought to myself 'I'm not drinking now so I won't be having either'. I didn't tell her I wasn't drinking (and why did I almost type 'at the moment'?!) I will have to tell her at some stage as we are likely to go out to dinner before the boys go back to school and she and her husband like a drink.
There's not much point to this post I guess. I just wanted to acknowledge that I'm 2 weeks AF and that I feel good about it. I'm sure this will change at some stage, but for now, I'm going to enjoy not feeling bad or depressed or flat. I am just going to enjoy not having the obsession of drinking or not drinking taking over my every waking moment.
A x
Monday, 12 January 2015
Self esteem issues
I have always had self esteem issues. I always thought it was just me, that's just how I am. I had a rocky childhood and thought it just stemmed from that. Over the years, I've read about all sorts of reasons for low self esteem. One of them was from your childhood. If your mother had issues with self esteem then there's a good chance you will too. And my mum, who is 74, still has major self esteem issues. Mum has said to me time and again "but you have know reason to feel this way, you are beautiful and lovely" (as mothers always tell their daughters!) But for whatever reason, I do feel this way.
As far back as primary school, being only around 11 or 12, I remember having feelings of inadequacy and not being good enough, and desperately wanting to be one of the popular crowd. I so wanted to be liked. I had a small group of friends but I always felt like I was putting on a role, trying to be better so they would like me. This continued through to high school. It was particularly difficult though as we moved from the city up to a small country town (to get away from my father) so I started high school not knowing anyone at all. Once again, I made a few friends, but I always wanted to be one of the 'cool' girls. And high school can be tough. Girls can be mean and they were to me. As I grew into my own and lost some of my geekiness, the boys started liking me and girls started to dislike me even more. Thankfully I was a good girl and didn't get up to anything with the boys (I was trying too hard to be liked by the girls, I didn't care what the boys felt!) This was the way it was all through high school. It was exhausting!
And here I am, at 46 years old, and I still feel insecure about myself. I go to work and try really hard to be one of the 'gang', to be liked by everyone. It doesn't matter that I am about 20 years older than most of them, I just want to fit in. It's pathetic really. Why haven't I grown up?!
I think I'm just beginning to realise why. Drinking all these years has stunted my emotional growth, and whilst the self esteem issues were always there, I didn't have a chance to get over them because I lost myself a long time ago. I don't know who I am and I don't even like myself half the time. I waste far too much energy on how I look and what other people think of me. I feel like a fraud.
Why can't I be happy with myself? Being who I am. Sure, I need to lose 10kg but that isn't the end of the world. I'm not that bad. I see other people carrying a lot more weight than me and they seem happy and confident. Why can't I feel like that? I am so sick and tired of feeling like this. I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask?
Day 9 today.
A x
As far back as primary school, being only around 11 or 12, I remember having feelings of inadequacy and not being good enough, and desperately wanting to be one of the popular crowd. I so wanted to be liked. I had a small group of friends but I always felt like I was putting on a role, trying to be better so they would like me. This continued through to high school. It was particularly difficult though as we moved from the city up to a small country town (to get away from my father) so I started high school not knowing anyone at all. Once again, I made a few friends, but I always wanted to be one of the 'cool' girls. And high school can be tough. Girls can be mean and they were to me. As I grew into my own and lost some of my geekiness, the boys started liking me and girls started to dislike me even more. Thankfully I was a good girl and didn't get up to anything with the boys (I was trying too hard to be liked by the girls, I didn't care what the boys felt!) This was the way it was all through high school. It was exhausting!
And here I am, at 46 years old, and I still feel insecure about myself. I go to work and try really hard to be one of the 'gang', to be liked by everyone. It doesn't matter that I am about 20 years older than most of them, I just want to fit in. It's pathetic really. Why haven't I grown up?!
I think I'm just beginning to realise why. Drinking all these years has stunted my emotional growth, and whilst the self esteem issues were always there, I didn't have a chance to get over them because I lost myself a long time ago. I don't know who I am and I don't even like myself half the time. I waste far too much energy on how I look and what other people think of me. I feel like a fraud.
Why can't I be happy with myself? Being who I am. Sure, I need to lose 10kg but that isn't the end of the world. I'm not that bad. I see other people carrying a lot more weight than me and they seem happy and confident. Why can't I feel like that? I am so sick and tired of feeling like this. I want to be happy. Is that too much to ask?
Day 9 today.
A x
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