Day 31.
Can't believe it's day 31 and the last day of Dry July. I have been fighting an internal battle with myself the last few days and I'm not sure if it's because of all I've been through over the last week or if I'd be feeling like this regardless. When I first started doing this it was with the intent that it would be for longer than just the month. It was to be kick start to a new way of life. I was so fired up from all the books and blogs I've been reading and I felt really ready to do this. Then last week I found out that my dad had died and it's all gone pear shaped. I haven't had a drink but I have really felt like one, and I've found myself counting down the days until the 1st August.
Mum and I flew up to the funeral. It was a very long and emotional day. We had a very simple funeral with just 2 of my brothers, mum and me there. There wasn't a celebrant or any of his friends (we didn't know if he had friends or where to find them, so sad..) And all his brothers and sisters live in Norway because that is where he was from. But it was appropriate somehow, just having us there. We had a good cry, read out some nice comments from his Norwegian relatives (who we have kept in contact with over the years) a couple of poems and prayers. We had photos and letters we'd written on the coffin and some beautiful flowers. And some songs that he liked playing in the background. So we got to say goodbye and I'm so glad I went. There is so much more I wish I'd been able to tell him though, I was just too emotional on the day. We flew back that evening and now it all feels surreal somehow and just a blur. I guess it will take some time to process all the feelings.
We found out that he died around the 30th June and that he wasn't found for three weeks (so very sad, even though we didn't keep in contact, none of us wanted it to end that way) It seems strange that June 30 is the last day I had a drink. Actually, that night we were staying at mums in the country during school holidays and I bought 2 bottles of wine thinking that I'd probably drink one and a bit and I would leave the rest for mum to have. In the end mum had one glass and I drank the rest!!! I was very drunk and ended up arguing with my brother (who was also very drunk), even arguing about dad. And that was the night that he probably died. Is it a sign? Does it mean something? I don't know. I just feel so sad inside.
Ax
Thursday, 31 July 2014
Monday, 28 July 2014
One month... should be feeling happy
Day 28.
So, one month today. I should be feeling happy, but I'm not. I just feel an overwhelming sadness. Sad for my dad and how his life turned out to be. I'm sad that I didn't do things differently. But I can't go back. It is how it is. Will I ever come to terms with it??
We have the funeral tomorrow. Two of my brother are already at his place (which is in another state) and mum and I are flying up there tomorrow morning for the day. It's going to be really hard and I'm dreading it really. But I think it's important that I go. I will regret it forever if I don't go, I know I will.
I really could have done with a drink the last few days! But I didn't have one. Just 3 days until the end of July and I will supposedly be allowed to have one again. The original plan was to not start drinking again. But now I don't know. I've never had a month off drinking before and I'm thinking maybe I will be ok now? Maybe I will be able to just have a few on the weekends and then not drink during the week? Now that I know how good it feels not to wake up hungover everyday, surely I won't let myself fall back into old patterns? We went out for dinner on Friday night and of course everyone else was drinking. One of my friends has kindly offered to put a bottle of bubbly in her fridge so we can celebrate at her place on Friday afternoon. Why didn't I say anything to her? I didn't say yes but I didn't say no either. I've found it a lot easier than I thought to not drink for a whole month. But maybe it's because it was for a good cause and no one questioned it. I didn't have to say 'oh, I have a drinking problem so am not drinking anymore'. I just had to say 'I'm doing Dry July' and everyone thought that was great. In fact, so many people told me they were impressed because there was no way they could do it! And I admit I felt a little bit smug because I've been able to do it and they couldn't. But I'm not special. I needed to do this. And I probably need to continue to do this.
I've been thinking how ironic all this is. Here I am not drinking for the month and it's during this time that I found out that my father had died. And he was an alcoholic. He was never able to conquer his demons and it ruined his life. I should learn something from this. I have so much to process over the coming days and perhaps for a long time to come. I've been thinking I should probably look into seeing a councellor. I don't know if I can do this on my own. I'm the type of person who keeps everything bottled up and finds it very difficult to talk about my problems, which isn't healthy at all.
So I think that's what I'll do.
A x
So, one month today. I should be feeling happy, but I'm not. I just feel an overwhelming sadness. Sad for my dad and how his life turned out to be. I'm sad that I didn't do things differently. But I can't go back. It is how it is. Will I ever come to terms with it??
We have the funeral tomorrow. Two of my brother are already at his place (which is in another state) and mum and I are flying up there tomorrow morning for the day. It's going to be really hard and I'm dreading it really. But I think it's important that I go. I will regret it forever if I don't go, I know I will.
I really could have done with a drink the last few days! But I didn't have one. Just 3 days until the end of July and I will supposedly be allowed to have one again. The original plan was to not start drinking again. But now I don't know. I've never had a month off drinking before and I'm thinking maybe I will be ok now? Maybe I will be able to just have a few on the weekends and then not drink during the week? Now that I know how good it feels not to wake up hungover everyday, surely I won't let myself fall back into old patterns? We went out for dinner on Friday night and of course everyone else was drinking. One of my friends has kindly offered to put a bottle of bubbly in her fridge so we can celebrate at her place on Friday afternoon. Why didn't I say anything to her? I didn't say yes but I didn't say no either. I've found it a lot easier than I thought to not drink for a whole month. But maybe it's because it was for a good cause and no one questioned it. I didn't have to say 'oh, I have a drinking problem so am not drinking anymore'. I just had to say 'I'm doing Dry July' and everyone thought that was great. In fact, so many people told me they were impressed because there was no way they could do it! And I admit I felt a little bit smug because I've been able to do it and they couldn't. But I'm not special. I needed to do this. And I probably need to continue to do this.
I've been thinking how ironic all this is. Here I am not drinking for the month and it's during this time that I found out that my father had died. And he was an alcoholic. He was never able to conquer his demons and it ruined his life. I should learn something from this. I have so much to process over the coming days and perhaps for a long time to come. I've been thinking I should probably look into seeing a councellor. I don't know if I can do this on my own. I'm the type of person who keeps everything bottled up and finds it very difficult to talk about my problems, which isn't healthy at all.
So I think that's what I'll do.
A x
Thursday, 24 July 2014
Feeling lost
Day 24.
I haven't seen my dad for 26 years but I still feel very sad and lost. It's a strange feeling. Before, even though I didn't see him, I knew he was out there somewhere. Now he is gone forever. And despite everything, he was my father and he gave life to me. I'm so sad for him, he wasted his whole life because of alcohol. He just couldn't give it up and because of that he didn't have a relationship with half of his children and all his grandchildren. He died all alone. It's just so sad.... We are still waiting on news from the coroner before funeral arrangements can be made. I'm thinking I will go to the funeral and mum wants to go too, even though they separated many years ago. We want to support my brothers, who had seen him in recent years, especially my oldest brother who is really struggling. Also, I think I need closure.
I have regrets... Should I have forgiven him and made an effort to see him? Should I have let him see DS, his grandson? I don't know. My brothers said he was a mess every time they saw him. He still drank and his mind had gone - he even hallucinated at times and spoke of aliens. So probably better that I didn't see him. So many strange thoughts going through my head. There is no rule book for situations like this, you just have to muddle through.
Day 24 today. I haven't had a drink, even though I briefly thought one would be good. But it wouldn't have been just one, that's the problem. My oldest brother said he is very proud of me and that what I am doing is kind of a legacy for dad. I thought that was nice of him to say. My other brother (I have 3) is a big drinker, in fact, if he doesn't get help soon he may end up just like dad. It's so frustrating! Can't he see that?! He has been off work since we found out and he's been drinking all day, drowning his feelings in alcohol. But even though he may use this as a good excuse to be drinking, he'd be doing it anyway. I'm glad I have a clear head going through all this. I don't want it to be forgotten in a haze of booze.
My mum is staying with us still. I'm glad she wasn't all alone in the country when she found out. It's just been difficult to blog with her here. But that's ok. I'm sure I will make up for it once she's gone. I have a feeling I will have a lot to get off my chest.
A x
I haven't seen my dad for 26 years but I still feel very sad and lost. It's a strange feeling. Before, even though I didn't see him, I knew he was out there somewhere. Now he is gone forever. And despite everything, he was my father and he gave life to me. I'm so sad for him, he wasted his whole life because of alcohol. He just couldn't give it up and because of that he didn't have a relationship with half of his children and all his grandchildren. He died all alone. It's just so sad.... We are still waiting on news from the coroner before funeral arrangements can be made. I'm thinking I will go to the funeral and mum wants to go too, even though they separated many years ago. We want to support my brothers, who had seen him in recent years, especially my oldest brother who is really struggling. Also, I think I need closure.
I have regrets... Should I have forgiven him and made an effort to see him? Should I have let him see DS, his grandson? I don't know. My brothers said he was a mess every time they saw him. He still drank and his mind had gone - he even hallucinated at times and spoke of aliens. So probably better that I didn't see him. So many strange thoughts going through my head. There is no rule book for situations like this, you just have to muddle through.
Day 24 today. I haven't had a drink, even though I briefly thought one would be good. But it wouldn't have been just one, that's the problem. My oldest brother said he is very proud of me and that what I am doing is kind of a legacy for dad. I thought that was nice of him to say. My other brother (I have 3) is a big drinker, in fact, if he doesn't get help soon he may end up just like dad. It's so frustrating! Can't he see that?! He has been off work since we found out and he's been drinking all day, drowning his feelings in alcohol. But even though he may use this as a good excuse to be drinking, he'd be doing it anyway. I'm glad I have a clear head going through all this. I don't want it to be forgotten in a haze of booze.
My mum is staying with us still. I'm glad she wasn't all alone in the country when she found out. It's just been difficult to blog with her here. But that's ok. I'm sure I will make up for it once she's gone. I have a feeling I will have a lot to get off my chest.
A x
Tuesday, 22 July 2014
A life lost... such a waste.
Day 22.
My dad died. I haven't seen him for many many years, but I still feel this intense grief. I feel sad for what could have been and especially for him, dying all alone. He was an alcoholic, and my childhood, which did have some happy times, had many bad ones as well. It's going to take some time I think to process all these feelings. I'm still feeling shocked. I really felt like a drink last night, but I managed to abstain. It wasn't the answer. After all, alcohol is what ruined my fathers life. How was having a drink going to help?
I'm going to need to blog about this in more depth, I just can't do it now. Not while everything is so fresh in my mind.
A x
My dad died. I haven't seen him for many many years, but I still feel this intense grief. I feel sad for what could have been and especially for him, dying all alone. He was an alcoholic, and my childhood, which did have some happy times, had many bad ones as well. It's going to take some time I think to process all these feelings. I'm still feeling shocked. I really felt like a drink last night, but I managed to abstain. It wasn't the answer. After all, alcohol is what ruined my fathers life. How was having a drink going to help?
I'm going to need to blog about this in more depth, I just can't do it now. Not while everything is so fresh in my mind.
A x
Wednesday, 16 July 2014
Day 16
Day 16.
It was strange coming home from work last night and not having a drink. I'm so used to coming home and having a glass (or 4!) of wine to help me 'relax' after a stressful day at work. So I got home last night and thought 'what now?' But I didn't drink, well not wine anyway. I got my water bottle and watched Masterchef that I'd taped and still managed to relax. In fact, this is probably what proper relaxing is really like. I went to bed a bit later than I'd like but it's impossible to go straight to bed after work (for me anyway) So, still tired today but not hungover. Hurray! Love that feeling of getting out of bed in the morning and knowing that you aren't going to feel crap from having too much wine the night before.
I visited a lovely girl I used to work with today. She had her first baby 7 weeks ago and he is just gorgeous! It takes me back to 7 and a half years ago when my son was just a baby. Why does time have to go so fast?! Would it have gone slower if I hadn't been drinking all that wine every evening and wasting half the days feeling tired and sluggish and not living life to the fullest? Probably. And I'll never get that time back, that's the really sad thing. I have so many regrets about my past. I'm not sure if I'll ever come to terms with that. I have a feeling that I have a lot of soul searching to do. But I'm just not ready to do that yet. Maybe a bit down the track....
My mum is coming to stay with us for a few days, so I'm not sure if I'll get to blog while she is here. She knows I'm doing Dry July and she is really glad I am, but I'm not sure if I want her knowing about my blog.
A x
It was strange coming home from work last night and not having a drink. I'm so used to coming home and having a glass (or 4!) of wine to help me 'relax' after a stressful day at work. So I got home last night and thought 'what now?' But I didn't drink, well not wine anyway. I got my water bottle and watched Masterchef that I'd taped and still managed to relax. In fact, this is probably what proper relaxing is really like. I went to bed a bit later than I'd like but it's impossible to go straight to bed after work (for me anyway) So, still tired today but not hungover. Hurray! Love that feeling of getting out of bed in the morning and knowing that you aren't going to feel crap from having too much wine the night before.
I visited a lovely girl I used to work with today. She had her first baby 7 weeks ago and he is just gorgeous! It takes me back to 7 and a half years ago when my son was just a baby. Why does time have to go so fast?! Would it have gone slower if I hadn't been drinking all that wine every evening and wasting half the days feeling tired and sluggish and not living life to the fullest? Probably. And I'll never get that time back, that's the really sad thing. I have so many regrets about my past. I'm not sure if I'll ever come to terms with that. I have a feeling that I have a lot of soul searching to do. But I'm just not ready to do that yet. Maybe a bit down the track....
My mum is coming to stay with us for a few days, so I'm not sure if I'll get to blog while she is here. She knows I'm doing Dry July and she is really glad I am, but I'm not sure if I want her knowing about my blog.
A x
Tuesday, 15 July 2014
Tuesday
Day 15.
Back to work this afternoon. It's always a bit strange going back after a break. Hopefully it won't be too busy.
I had a slightly better sleep last night. Headache has gone, thank God! But I still woke up a lot throughout the night and woke up feeling tired still. It doesn't help that DS wakes up so early. I got him to go back to sleep but once I've been awake I don't go back to sleep properly. I so envy people who are good sleepers!
I was in the supermarket the other day and the first thing I saw when I walked in were strawberries. I always associate strawberries with sparkling wine because this is the only time really that I eat them. And I felt a bit wistful and a bit sad if I'm honest. I thought to myself 'I guess this means that I won't get to enjoy strawberries in champagne ever again'. I tried not to think about it after that, but it got me thinking. What if I were to drink non-alcoholic champagne/sparkling wine? Would that be ok? Or would it give me a taste for wine and encourage me to drink alcohol again? Maybe it just wouldn't be the same without the 'kick' you get from the real stuff? I don't even really enjoy the taste of wine, especially the first glass. It's just that after that first glass you get past the taste and you kid yourself that you LOVE the taste of wine! Champagne on the other hand, especially with strawberries in it, is another story. I could drink that till the cows come home (and wake up with a shocking headache and hangover the next day! But you don't tend to think about that when you're downing the stuff!) So, I'd be interested in hearing what other people think about non-alcoholic wine and champagne. I do get sick of diet coke and water!
I saw my friend at school pickup yesterday afternoon and she asked me how Dry July is going. I said it was going fine and she made the comment 'you're almost half way!' I didn't tell her that I'm thinking of extending it beyond the end of July. I just didn't want to get into it then and there. But I also haven't talked about it too much with DH either. For all he knows once the month is up I'll be back to my old wine guzzling self! I'm not sure why I can't bring myself to talk about it. Maybe that would mean admitting that I have a real problem? Probably. It's something I'm going to have to really think about one of these days.
But now I have to get ready for work, so I'll leave it here. Have a great day everyone!
A x
Back to work this afternoon. It's always a bit strange going back after a break. Hopefully it won't be too busy.
I had a slightly better sleep last night. Headache has gone, thank God! But I still woke up a lot throughout the night and woke up feeling tired still. It doesn't help that DS wakes up so early. I got him to go back to sleep but once I've been awake I don't go back to sleep properly. I so envy people who are good sleepers!
I was in the supermarket the other day and the first thing I saw when I walked in were strawberries. I always associate strawberries with sparkling wine because this is the only time really that I eat them. And I felt a bit wistful and a bit sad if I'm honest. I thought to myself 'I guess this means that I won't get to enjoy strawberries in champagne ever again'. I tried not to think about it after that, but it got me thinking. What if I were to drink non-alcoholic champagne/sparkling wine? Would that be ok? Or would it give me a taste for wine and encourage me to drink alcohol again? Maybe it just wouldn't be the same without the 'kick' you get from the real stuff? I don't even really enjoy the taste of wine, especially the first glass. It's just that after that first glass you get past the taste and you kid yourself that you LOVE the taste of wine! Champagne on the other hand, especially with strawberries in it, is another story. I could drink that till the cows come home (and wake up with a shocking headache and hangover the next day! But you don't tend to think about that when you're downing the stuff!) So, I'd be interested in hearing what other people think about non-alcoholic wine and champagne. I do get sick of diet coke and water!
I saw my friend at school pickup yesterday afternoon and she asked me how Dry July is going. I said it was going fine and she made the comment 'you're almost half way!' I didn't tell her that I'm thinking of extending it beyond the end of July. I just didn't want to get into it then and there. But I also haven't talked about it too much with DH either. For all he knows once the month is up I'll be back to my old wine guzzling self! I'm not sure why I can't bring myself to talk about it. Maybe that would mean admitting that I have a real problem? Probably. It's something I'm going to have to really think about one of these days.
But now I have to get ready for work, so I'll leave it here. Have a great day everyone!
A x
Monday, 14 July 2014
Two weeks!
Day 14.
Wow! Two weeks today! I wish I could say that I was feeling wonderful. But I'm not really. I had a bad headache yesterday that just wouldn't go away. It was still there when I went to bed last night despite taking panadeine and nurofen +. It was with me throughout the night, and still there with a vengeance when I woke up this morning. And I felt SO tired!! I got up and got DS ready for school and dropped him off. Then I came home, took more painkillers and went back to bed. Thank God when I woke up an hour or so later it was gone. So why do I feel so tired? I thought by now I would be feeling on top of the moon. Would have lost some weight and look 10 years younger! After all, it's been 2 weeks! But I guess it takes time. You can't undo years and years of damage in 2 short weeks. So, I will try and go to bed earlier and see if that helps. And I'm not going to complain because I'm on day 14 and that's a really fantastic thing!
We had a great weekend. On Saturday I took DS to a Lego expo run by a place called Inside the Brick and it was brilliant! We met some friends from school there and had a great time. Then we all went to lunch which was lovely. No one had any alcohol so it wasn't strange me not having any either. In the past I probably would have had a glass or two of wine, then carried on into the night.
Saturday night we went out for dinner. Now, EVERY time we go out for dinner I have several glasses of wine - we either order a bottle to share (which I have more of because DH is driving) or he'll order beer and I'll order wine by the glass. So it was a new experience to go out and not have any. I just had diet coke whilst DH had a beer. I have to admit it wasn't quite the same. Not as fun somehow. But it's only because it's new I guess. I still feel a little of the 'it's not fair, why can't I drink like everyone else' blues. But at no time did I consider having any wine. And maybe I was feeling a bit flat because I'm still so tired. I don't know. After dinner I ducked into the pokies and put in $10 and won $280!!!! That NEVER happens to me! And as I was sitting there I thought to myself 'I'd better not do this again. I don't want to transfer from one addiction to another'! Still, it was nice to have a win. I'm going to use the money to get my hair cut and coloured, I haven't had it done since October last year!
Had a quiet day yesterday. Took DS to the library and got him some more books. He is loving his reading now which is fantastic! At night, before going to sleep he will read a chapter or two all on his own. I'm rapt because I've always loved reading whereas DH is not a reader. And it's made such a difference at school too, his teacher has really noticed the difference which is great.
First day back at school today. I had visions of being really productive and giving the house a good clean. Having all this time in the morning now is wonderful. Except not this morning with this stupid headache! I'm hoping the rest of the week will be better. I'm back to work tomorrow afternoon. Hope I have a better sleep tonight. I'm also hoping that work will be easier. I usually wake up tired as hell and have to have a sleep before work otherwise I'd be a wreck all day. And I'd really struggle when it's busy, which it is all the time these days. So, looking forward to not feeling like this when I'm back tomorrow after 2 and a bit weeks off.
Usually the school holidays fly. But this time I've been alcohol free and I feel like I've had a good break. Not spending mornings feeling hungover and tired and napping really makes a difference. And DS has really benefited as well, spending more quality time with me. It's a win win situation!
Anyway, better go and get productive. I've wasted the morning but there are still a few hours before I have to pick DS up from school. Headache seems to have gone, hope it doesn't come back!
Happy 2 weeks to me!
A x
Wow! Two weeks today! I wish I could say that I was feeling wonderful. But I'm not really. I had a bad headache yesterday that just wouldn't go away. It was still there when I went to bed last night despite taking panadeine and nurofen +. It was with me throughout the night, and still there with a vengeance when I woke up this morning. And I felt SO tired!! I got up and got DS ready for school and dropped him off. Then I came home, took more painkillers and went back to bed. Thank God when I woke up an hour or so later it was gone. So why do I feel so tired? I thought by now I would be feeling on top of the moon. Would have lost some weight and look 10 years younger! After all, it's been 2 weeks! But I guess it takes time. You can't undo years and years of damage in 2 short weeks. So, I will try and go to bed earlier and see if that helps. And I'm not going to complain because I'm on day 14 and that's a really fantastic thing!
We had a great weekend. On Saturday I took DS to a Lego expo run by a place called Inside the Brick and it was brilliant! We met some friends from school there and had a great time. Then we all went to lunch which was lovely. No one had any alcohol so it wasn't strange me not having any either. In the past I probably would have had a glass or two of wine, then carried on into the night.
Saturday night we went out for dinner. Now, EVERY time we go out for dinner I have several glasses of wine - we either order a bottle to share (which I have more of because DH is driving) or he'll order beer and I'll order wine by the glass. So it was a new experience to go out and not have any. I just had diet coke whilst DH had a beer. I have to admit it wasn't quite the same. Not as fun somehow. But it's only because it's new I guess. I still feel a little of the 'it's not fair, why can't I drink like everyone else' blues. But at no time did I consider having any wine. And maybe I was feeling a bit flat because I'm still so tired. I don't know. After dinner I ducked into the pokies and put in $10 and won $280!!!! That NEVER happens to me! And as I was sitting there I thought to myself 'I'd better not do this again. I don't want to transfer from one addiction to another'! Still, it was nice to have a win. I'm going to use the money to get my hair cut and coloured, I haven't had it done since October last year!
Had a quiet day yesterday. Took DS to the library and got him some more books. He is loving his reading now which is fantastic! At night, before going to sleep he will read a chapter or two all on his own. I'm rapt because I've always loved reading whereas DH is not a reader. And it's made such a difference at school too, his teacher has really noticed the difference which is great.
First day back at school today. I had visions of being really productive and giving the house a good clean. Having all this time in the morning now is wonderful. Except not this morning with this stupid headache! I'm hoping the rest of the week will be better. I'm back to work tomorrow afternoon. Hope I have a better sleep tonight. I'm also hoping that work will be easier. I usually wake up tired as hell and have to have a sleep before work otherwise I'd be a wreck all day. And I'd really struggle when it's busy, which it is all the time these days. So, looking forward to not feeling like this when I'm back tomorrow after 2 and a bit weeks off.
Usually the school holidays fly. But this time I've been alcohol free and I feel like I've had a good break. Not spending mornings feeling hungover and tired and napping really makes a difference. And DS has really benefited as well, spending more quality time with me. It's a win win situation!
Anyway, better go and get productive. I've wasted the morning but there are still a few hours before I have to pick DS up from school. Headache seems to have gone, hope it doesn't come back!
Happy 2 weeks to me!
A x
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