I went out for dinner the last two nights. Thursday night was with my in-laws for my father-in-law's birthday, then last night I went to dinner and the movies with four mum friends from school. It's interesting because over both nights, not one person asked me if I wanted an alcoholic drink or why I wasn't having one. I guess my in-laws are used to me not drinking now and as for my friends, it was a non-issue. It's amazing how little it matters to people who don't have a drinking problem.
My oldest brother R was over tonight with his boys. He drinks too but not nearly as much as my younger brother B (the 'real' alcoholic) Once again we got talking about B and how worried we are about him. I showed R my sobriety counter on my phone, which says 174, and he was so proud of me. He told me I may as well keep going and I told him I intend to. It's funny, even with all our family history, with our dad being an alcoholic and dying as a result, I still hesitate to say I have stopped 'forever'. Why is it so hard? By not admitting it am I giving myself an out in case I drink again in the future? I don't really know why. I did tell him that I intend to go to an AA meeting and he said it's a good idea. I have been thinking of asking B if he will come with me to a city meeting. It would give me a good excuse to go and it might also get B thinking about quitting if he hears other peoples stories. I don't know how he'll take it, but I guess the worst that can happen is that he says no, in which case I will just go by myself.
Like many of you, I have been reading how Annie (A Dappled Path) and SoberMummy (Mummy was a secret drinker) met up the other day and what a good time they had. I am so envious! I so wish I could meet up with some of my sober blogging friends. It seems though, that the bulk of you live either in the UK, the US or Canada, and I feel really lonely. I would so love to have a sober friend in real life. This is partly why I want to go to a meeting, to make a real life connection.
I've been wanting to have a chat with the little guy about how I used to drink and why I stopped. I have so much guilt over the years I drank when he was smaller and I just can't get past it. So today, as we were driving to the movies, I asked him "you know how mummy used to drink wine every night...?" I wanted to ascertain what his thoughts were about it and tell him why I've stopped, and you know what he said? He told me doesn't remember! I said "really?! Are you sure? Remember the glass of yellow liquid mummy used to keep on the floor next to her feet?" And he said no, he doesn't remember. I couldn't believe it! So I just said "well anyway, mummy stopped because it wasn't good for me and she wanted to get healthy". But I couldn't let it go. So later this evening, as we were watching Dr Who, I asked him again. "Are you sure you can't remember when mummy used to drink wine every night?" And again, he said he didn't remember. "It doesn't matter mum" he told me when I pressed him again.
It does matter though. To me it does. I'm glad he doesn't remember and that he isn't scarred from my bad behaviour, but I still feel so guilty. I can still here his little voice "are you getting up now mummy?" as I tried to sleep off yet another hangover. How many times did he ask that question? Far too many. So many years wasted, that I won't get back. Now I just have to figure out how to get past this.
I am trying to make up for it now. I am trying to be really, truly present for my son. To spend as much time with him as possible. To be patient, and not so cross. I still have my moments; I am human after all, but I am really trying. I tell him all the time that I love him, and that I'm proud of him. And I kiss him, and hug him, and savour this time with him. Because soon he will be older and won't have time for me. He will wipe my kisses off and not look back and wave to me at the school gate. I won't be the main person in his life forever. Which makes me sad. I guess it's just the way it is. But I will always have this time, and I want him to hold a special place in his heart that he keeps just for me.
The big guy is at the footy (football) tonight so we have had a special evening. Pancakes for dinner and an episode of Dr Who, and I let him stay up extra late. Now he is in bed reading, then I will go in and we'll have a chat and a cuddle before he goes to sleep.
I am so lucky to have him. And even though he will never be blessed with a brother or a sister, he will always have me.
Have a great weekend everyone.
A x
Saturday, 14 May 2016
Thursday, 12 May 2016
A deep sadness
Last night I was chatting with the little guy as he lay in bed, when he said 'I wished I had a brother or a sister'. When I told him that I was sorry he doesn't have a sibling because mummy couldn't have one, he went on to ask, can't we adopt one? Or buy one. 'Can you buy kids mum?'
This filled me with sadness. One of my biggest heartbreaks is that I wasn't able to have another child. I still get sad when I see women with prams. In fact, I was at the shopping centre just yesterday and I was nearly in tears when I sat down for lunch as it reminded me of when I used to take the little guy shopping with me in the pram at the same shopping centre. I cherish that time, and can't get past the fact that I will never get to experience it again.
How do you explain to a 9 year old why you were unable to have more kids? I tried to tell him that I dad a sore tummy and that was why I couldn't have another baby in there.
I feel sad that I may be partly responsible for my medical condition. Apparently, drinking excessive alcohol may contribute to getting endometriosis. To think I am responsible for my infertility is even more heartbreaking. How do I live with this? How do I move on?
I haven't spoken to anyone about this. How can I? So I just suffer in silence. But I don't know how much longer I will be able to do this. It's eating me up inside.
I have many regrets over the way I have lived my life. But this would have to be my biggest one.
I am sorry this is not a very cheerful post. I just had to get it out.
A x
This filled me with sadness. One of my biggest heartbreaks is that I wasn't able to have another child. I still get sad when I see women with prams. In fact, I was at the shopping centre just yesterday and I was nearly in tears when I sat down for lunch as it reminded me of when I used to take the little guy shopping with me in the pram at the same shopping centre. I cherish that time, and can't get past the fact that I will never get to experience it again.
How do you explain to a 9 year old why you were unable to have more kids? I tried to tell him that I dad a sore tummy and that was why I couldn't have another baby in there.
I feel sad that I may be partly responsible for my medical condition. Apparently, drinking excessive alcohol may contribute to getting endometriosis. To think I am responsible for my infertility is even more heartbreaking. How do I live with this? How do I move on?
I haven't spoken to anyone about this. How can I? So I just suffer in silence. But I don't know how much longer I will be able to do this. It's eating me up inside.
I have many regrets over the way I have lived my life. But this would have to be my biggest one.
I am sorry this is not a very cheerful post. I just had to get it out.
A x
Saturday, 7 May 2016
Saturday mornings
I love Saturday mornings.
Back in 2014, when I did my first sober stretch (Dry July) I wrote my first blog post. It was also my first sober Saturday, and I was so excited to be there. I was on day 5 and it was all so new, and I remember the amazing feeling of experiencing my first sober Saturday since... forever!!
I love waking up without a hangover and having a little sleep-in, and then catching up on all my sober blogs.
It's just so lovely not having to worry about how much I drank the night before. Not having to do any damage control from a drunken argument with my husband the night before.
Saturday mornings are just so much better all round.
I thought I should right this down, because if I ever decide that drinking again on the weekend would be okay, I can refer back to this post and knock some sense back into myself!
I am so tired though! I haven't been sleeping well, and it's catching up with me. I thought by now I would be refreshed and energised but instead, I am constantly tired and it's beginning to show. I look just as bad as I did when I was drinking. It's so not fair!
I had an MRI recently for my hip pain, and it showed that I have two torn tendons in my hip/buttock area. It can be really painful, especially at night, and it's getting me down. I am waiting to get an appointment with an orthopaedic clinic to see what treatment options are available, but until then, I have to put up with the pain. It is so depressing because I want to exercise but I can't.
Despite this though, I am not drinking. In the old days, it would have been a great excuse to feel sorry for myself and to get stuck into the wine every night. Now, it's not even an option. It would only make me feel worse and I so don't want to go back there.
So, even though I am tired, and I admit, feeling a bit sorry for myself, I am so thankful to be sober on this beautiful Saturday morning.
Day 167.
Back in 2014, when I did my first sober stretch (Dry July) I wrote my first blog post. It was also my first sober Saturday, and I was so excited to be there. I was on day 5 and it was all so new, and I remember the amazing feeling of experiencing my first sober Saturday since... forever!!
I love waking up without a hangover and having a little sleep-in, and then catching up on all my sober blogs.
It's just so lovely not having to worry about how much I drank the night before. Not having to do any damage control from a drunken argument with my husband the night before.
Saturday mornings are just so much better all round.
I thought I should right this down, because if I ever decide that drinking again on the weekend would be okay, I can refer back to this post and knock some sense back into myself!
I am so tired though! I haven't been sleeping well, and it's catching up with me. I thought by now I would be refreshed and energised but instead, I am constantly tired and it's beginning to show. I look just as bad as I did when I was drinking. It's so not fair!
I had an MRI recently for my hip pain, and it showed that I have two torn tendons in my hip/buttock area. It can be really painful, especially at night, and it's getting me down. I am waiting to get an appointment with an orthopaedic clinic to see what treatment options are available, but until then, I have to put up with the pain. It is so depressing because I want to exercise but I can't.
Despite this though, I am not drinking. In the old days, it would have been a great excuse to feel sorry for myself and to get stuck into the wine every night. Now, it's not even an option. It would only make me feel worse and I so don't want to go back there.
So, even though I am tired, and I admit, feeling a bit sorry for myself, I am so thankful to be sober on this beautiful Saturday morning.
Day 167.
Thursday, 5 May 2016
A quiet day
Having a quiet day today. It's lovely!
We went out to dinner last night with my friend C and her hubby D. As usual they had a few drinks, and ended up having an argument right in front of us! It was funny (well, not really!) I could see that it was the alcohol talking. I know they wouldn't have been arguing if they hadn't been drinking. So glad that is not me anymore!
I slept better last night. No pounding head or racing heart (thank God!). But I did go to bed later so I am still tired. My reasoning for that was so I would be extra tired therefore I would fall asleep quicker. It worked, but it's not ideal. I just wish I could go to bed at a reasonable hour and sleep the whole night through!
I bought a couple of new books recently. 'This Naked Mind' by Annie Grace arrived first, then' Get Sober Get Free' by Veronica Valli. Oh how I love getting parcels in the mail, especially lovely new books! Then, the other day another parcel arrived and I had no idea what it was. It turned out to be another book, this one called 'A sober mom's guide to recovery' by Rosemary O'Connor. I had completely forgotten I ordered it! So a lovely surprise!. I'm still reading Lucy Rocca's book so when I finish that I will read one of my new ones. Am so excited!
Have a great day everyone.
A x
PS I know you probably aren't reading this Anne, but I want you to know that I am thinking of you and your family. It must be a terrifying ordeal to go through and I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. A xx
We went out to dinner last night with my friend C and her hubby D. As usual they had a few drinks, and ended up having an argument right in front of us! It was funny (well, not really!) I could see that it was the alcohol talking. I know they wouldn't have been arguing if they hadn't been drinking. So glad that is not me anymore!
I slept better last night. No pounding head or racing heart (thank God!). But I did go to bed later so I am still tired. My reasoning for that was so I would be extra tired therefore I would fall asleep quicker. It worked, but it's not ideal. I just wish I could go to bed at a reasonable hour and sleep the whole night through!
I bought a couple of new books recently. 'This Naked Mind' by Annie Grace arrived first, then' Get Sober Get Free' by Veronica Valli. Oh how I love getting parcels in the mail, especially lovely new books! Then, the other day another parcel arrived and I had no idea what it was. It turned out to be another book, this one called 'A sober mom's guide to recovery' by Rosemary O'Connor. I had completely forgotten I ordered it! So a lovely surprise!. I'm still reading Lucy Rocca's book so when I finish that I will read one of my new ones. Am so excited!
Have a great day everyone.
A x
PS I know you probably aren't reading this Anne, but I want you to know that I am thinking of you and your family. It must be a terrifying ordeal to go through and I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. A xx
Wednesday, 4 May 2016
A super busy week!
Wow, it's two weeks since I last blogged. Where has the time gone?!
Well, a bit's been going on.
Last Thursday marked the 20th year anniversary of a tragedy that occurred in my husbands family. I can't really talk about it here, but it was a highly emotional few days for us all.
Then last Friday we took my brother-in-law out to lunch for his birthday. His new girlfriend (he is separated from his wife) was there, plus my mother and father-in-law. It was a lovely lunch, but I found myself having to explain why I wasn't drinking anymore. Firstly, my brother-on-law produced a bottle of wine and said that he knew I wasn't drinking anymore but I was welcome to have a glass if I wanted one. Wtf?! Then I found myself having to explain why I wasn't drinking anymore. I didn't really mind, but I was pretty evasive. I just told them that I felt like a break, want to lose weight and be healthier and that alcohol doesn't agree with my endometriosis, which is all true. Everyone was supportive and proud of me, but I can't help be annoyed that I have to explain it at all. Why can't I just say I don't drink anymore? That I gave it up. Like smoking. I guess it will always be the same. Anyway, the main thing is that I had a lovely lunch with family and I didn't drink.
It was our 12th wedding anniversary last week. Normally that would be celebrated with several glasses of champagne and wine. Every year on our anniversary, we get a complimentary stay at the hotel where we had our wedding reception. It's a fantastic deal and we've gone back every year. Of course, this usually involves lots of alcohol! In fact, last year I broke nearly a month of sobriety on that night. But this year, I didn't! Af all the way. We checked in to the hotel, and instead of wine, we had diet coke. And same with dinner. It's amazing how much money you save when you aren't drinking. $30-$40 saved for a start at dinner. No need for a cab, so another saving there (although we ended up hopping on a tram so we wouldn't have to worry about parking) And the best bit was waking up the following morning without a hangover. Heaven!
Then the next day, we went to my oldest brother's place to celebrate my nephew's 16th birthday. Hubby and 2 of my brothers had a few beers but of course my other brother drank way too much. I was hoping to have a chat with him, just about how good being af feels and that you can still have fun when not drinking, but the chance didn't come up. And by the end of the day, he was very drunk. I'm afraid for him. He's going to hit bottom soon, if he hasn't already.
Then on Sunday we had my husbands nephew's First Holy Communion. Another day where alcohol was served but not for me. This time, not one person asked me why, which was a relief!
I'm hoping that my not drinking will soon be viewed as the norm and I will no longer have to explain myself.
So, it's been a busy week!! Yesterday was supposed to be the little guy's school sports day but it was cancelled due to bad weather. Mum came over anyway and we spent the day together. In all honesty though, I was dying for a quiet day on my own. And today, I'm going to a friends place for lunch. So, I'm looking forward to tomorrow when I can have a day to myself to relax and chill out a bit!
I have been so tired! I haven't been sleeping well, despite taking a sleeping tablet. Last night when I went to bed my heart was racing and my head was pounding, it was really scary! Not sure what that was about. I also had a sense of doom, of everything being hopeless, there being no point to anything and just overwhelmed with life in general. Not sure if this is anxiety or PAWS, but I don't like it. I feel better today, but still so tired. I'm hoping to have a better sleep tonight.
So, here I am, on day 164. Like I said, a lot has been going on but I am still sober!!
A x
Well, a bit's been going on.
Last Thursday marked the 20th year anniversary of a tragedy that occurred in my husbands family. I can't really talk about it here, but it was a highly emotional few days for us all.
Then last Friday we took my brother-in-law out to lunch for his birthday. His new girlfriend (he is separated from his wife) was there, plus my mother and father-in-law. It was a lovely lunch, but I found myself having to explain why I wasn't drinking anymore. Firstly, my brother-on-law produced a bottle of wine and said that he knew I wasn't drinking anymore but I was welcome to have a glass if I wanted one. Wtf?! Then I found myself having to explain why I wasn't drinking anymore. I didn't really mind, but I was pretty evasive. I just told them that I felt like a break, want to lose weight and be healthier and that alcohol doesn't agree with my endometriosis, which is all true. Everyone was supportive and proud of me, but I can't help be annoyed that I have to explain it at all. Why can't I just say I don't drink anymore? That I gave it up. Like smoking. I guess it will always be the same. Anyway, the main thing is that I had a lovely lunch with family and I didn't drink.
It was our 12th wedding anniversary last week. Normally that would be celebrated with several glasses of champagne and wine. Every year on our anniversary, we get a complimentary stay at the hotel where we had our wedding reception. It's a fantastic deal and we've gone back every year. Of course, this usually involves lots of alcohol! In fact, last year I broke nearly a month of sobriety on that night. But this year, I didn't! Af all the way. We checked in to the hotel, and instead of wine, we had diet coke. And same with dinner. It's amazing how much money you save when you aren't drinking. $30-$40 saved for a start at dinner. No need for a cab, so another saving there (although we ended up hopping on a tram so we wouldn't have to worry about parking) And the best bit was waking up the following morning without a hangover. Heaven!
Then the next day, we went to my oldest brother's place to celebrate my nephew's 16th birthday. Hubby and 2 of my brothers had a few beers but of course my other brother drank way too much. I was hoping to have a chat with him, just about how good being af feels and that you can still have fun when not drinking, but the chance didn't come up. And by the end of the day, he was very drunk. I'm afraid for him. He's going to hit bottom soon, if he hasn't already.
Then on Sunday we had my husbands nephew's First Holy Communion. Another day where alcohol was served but not for me. This time, not one person asked me why, which was a relief!
I'm hoping that my not drinking will soon be viewed as the norm and I will no longer have to explain myself.
So, it's been a busy week!! Yesterday was supposed to be the little guy's school sports day but it was cancelled due to bad weather. Mum came over anyway and we spent the day together. In all honesty though, I was dying for a quiet day on my own. And today, I'm going to a friends place for lunch. So, I'm looking forward to tomorrow when I can have a day to myself to relax and chill out a bit!
I have been so tired! I haven't been sleeping well, despite taking a sleeping tablet. Last night when I went to bed my heart was racing and my head was pounding, it was really scary! Not sure what that was about. I also had a sense of doom, of everything being hopeless, there being no point to anything and just overwhelmed with life in general. Not sure if this is anxiety or PAWS, but I don't like it. I feel better today, but still so tired. I'm hoping to have a better sleep tonight.
So, here I am, on day 164. Like I said, a lot has been going on but I am still sober!!
A x
Thursday, 21 April 2016
150 days! Can you believe it? Because I can't and yet here I am!!
Day 150 nearly over. I can't quite believe it! Nearly 5 months! I've never been alcohol free for this long before, and now that I'm here, the thought of doing this forever doesn't scare me as much as it used to. I mean, it still does of course, but just not as much. 6 months is within my reach, and after that, I might pledge to a WHOLE YEAR AF!! The thought of being booze free for a whole year used to fill me with fear. I never thought I could do it in a million years. But now the world is my oyster and anything is possible.
I really want to start working on growing as a person now. I have wasted so many years drinking, I don't want to waste anymore. I want to become more spiritually enlightened, and get to know myself. I have absolutely no idea who I am. I'm nearly 50 years old (OMG! I am never saying that again!!) and I don't know who I am. How sad is that?
So I'm going to try some mindfulness meditation. I saw some on you tube, that will do for a start. I would also like to try yoga, Everyone raves about how good it is for you, especially in recovery (still not sure if that word applies to me but I'll practice using it for a bit and see how it rolls off my tongue). I have a yoga for beginners dvd that I may as well give a try. And the last few days I have done a workout at home. Nothing too strenuous as I am quite unfit so just starting slowly, But it's a start. I'm beginning to concentrate on me and what my body needs. It had wine poured into it for so long, it will benefit hugely from some exercise and a better diet (well, I'll try anyway. Daily chocolate still seems to be a thing). Baby steps. You can't undo years of drinking in 5 months, it's going to take time and there is a process involved.
I'm still thinking of going to an AA meeting. I'm longing to meet some sober people in real life (since I can't meet my lovey sober tribe in real life :( ). Just have to find one that is at a suitable time. I've been putting it off for a while now so I should really start looking into it.
I showed my husband the sobriety clock on my iphone this evening -150 - it said. He gave me a hug and said he was proud of me. That made me feel good.
We went out to dinner to celebrate our friend D's birthday tonight. His wife C drank 4 champagnes and then when we went back to there place to do the cake, she and her hubby drank the whole bottle of red wine that we gave him for his birthday. I could see that C was quite tipsy, and all I could think of was how that would have been me 5 months ago. I would be drinking right along with her and we probably would have even had more! So glad that's not me anymore. I am going to wake up a bit tired tomorrow morning (it's now 12.41 in the morning) but I won't have a hangover, and that is the best feeling in the world!
Our dinner venue was a classic pub, with people playing pool and a beer garden out the back. It had a good atmosphere and took me straight back to the days before we had the little guy and used to go out quite a bit. I must admit, I did feel a little nostalgic for those times, and a little sad because I couldn't have a glass like EVERYONE else in the pub! But it was ok, I sadly accepted that I can't do that anymore no matter how nice those first 2 or 3 glasses feel.
But it was a lovely night out with friends. I can happily come along to events like this and be totally fine drinking my diet coke, whilst everyone else has either a beer or a sparkling wine. That's my life now and it's fine.
So yeah, 150 days. Woo hoo!! (i don't even think it's a milestone day but it feels like one to me!)
A x
I really want to start working on growing as a person now. I have wasted so many years drinking, I don't want to waste anymore. I want to become more spiritually enlightened, and get to know myself. I have absolutely no idea who I am. I'm nearly 50 years old (OMG! I am never saying that again!!) and I don't know who I am. How sad is that?
So I'm going to try some mindfulness meditation. I saw some on you tube, that will do for a start. I would also like to try yoga, Everyone raves about how good it is for you, especially in recovery (still not sure if that word applies to me but I'll practice using it for a bit and see how it rolls off my tongue). I have a yoga for beginners dvd that I may as well give a try. And the last few days I have done a workout at home. Nothing too strenuous as I am quite unfit so just starting slowly, But it's a start. I'm beginning to concentrate on me and what my body needs. It had wine poured into it for so long, it will benefit hugely from some exercise and a better diet (well, I'll try anyway. Daily chocolate still seems to be a thing). Baby steps. You can't undo years of drinking in 5 months, it's going to take time and there is a process involved.
I'm still thinking of going to an AA meeting. I'm longing to meet some sober people in real life (since I can't meet my lovey sober tribe in real life :( ). Just have to find one that is at a suitable time. I've been putting it off for a while now so I should really start looking into it.
I showed my husband the sobriety clock on my iphone this evening -150 - it said. He gave me a hug and said he was proud of me. That made me feel good.
We went out to dinner to celebrate our friend D's birthday tonight. His wife C drank 4 champagnes and then when we went back to there place to do the cake, she and her hubby drank the whole bottle of red wine that we gave him for his birthday. I could see that C was quite tipsy, and all I could think of was how that would have been me 5 months ago. I would be drinking right along with her and we probably would have even had more! So glad that's not me anymore. I am going to wake up a bit tired tomorrow morning (it's now 12.41 in the morning) but I won't have a hangover, and that is the best feeling in the world!
Our dinner venue was a classic pub, with people playing pool and a beer garden out the back. It had a good atmosphere and took me straight back to the days before we had the little guy and used to go out quite a bit. I must admit, I did feel a little nostalgic for those times, and a little sad because I couldn't have a glass like EVERYONE else in the pub! But it was ok, I sadly accepted that I can't do that anymore no matter how nice those first 2 or 3 glasses feel.
But it was a lovely night out with friends. I can happily come along to events like this and be totally fine drinking my diet coke, whilst everyone else has either a beer or a sparkling wine. That's my life now and it's fine.
So yeah, 150 days. Woo hoo!! (i don't even think it's a milestone day but it feels like one to me!)
A x
Saturday, 16 April 2016
I am so worried
I've spoken of my brother before, the one with the drinking problem. The alcoholic. It's funny, because I see him clearly as an alcoholic but just can't think of myself like that. I know I have a drinking problem, but I struggle to use that term for me. But it's just semantics really. I have a drinking problem and needed to stop. It doesn't really matter what I call it.
Anyway, by brother B had a hernia operation nearly two weeks ago. He told me he would go back to work after a few days, but I told him he would need longer than that. He said we'll see. I spoke to him last night and he told me he hasn't gone back yet and that work is okay about that. The problem is, I was talking to my oldest brother R recently (he lives close to B and sees him quite a bit) and he told me (in strict confidence, so not to tell B that I know) that he hasn't been to work in weeks. That the day he got out of hospital after his operation (it was a day case so he wasn't in overnight) he went home and started drinking. (R picked him up from the hospital and B went back to his place so he would have someone there if he needed help). Anyway, R told me that the next day B started drinking early in the day and ended up drinking about 15 or more beers!! It's like he hasn't even had an operation and he's continued to drink more than ever. And because he isn't working, he is drinking all day, every day. I was talking to R last night and we are really worried because he is going to lose his job. He is living off credit because he has no sick leave left and things are going to get even worse. R says he has already hit rock bottom but it hasn't stopped him drinking.
I was talking to R last night and I asked him if B knows he is in trouble. R said that he is fully aware but that he just drinks more to hide from the fact. When R tries to talk to him about it he says "what about you and A?" I said I don't know how he can compare himself to us, and R said that he does. That he thinks other people drink more than they do.
We are so, so worried about him. He also chain smokes and doesn't do any exercise. He is going to die young if he doesn't do something soon. He is single and has a 13 year old boy who he has 50/50 custody of, but he is not going to be able to keep that arrangement if he isn't careful. He will lose his flat and his job. He desperately needs help. R said he is going to talk to a guy he knows who is an AA counsellor, so hopefully he will give us some tips on what to do.
In a funny way, I compare myself to B. I think I am (was) not as bad as him. He is the real alcoholic. And I think I drank for longer because of this. But I WAS just as bad. I have a problem with drinking and that's all that matters. Whether you drink two glasses every night or a bottle or more, if you are powerless and it's making you miserable, you have a problem.
I told R last night that I know I drank too much which is why I gave it up nearly 5 months ago. This is the first time that I've told anyone that I've actually given it up, rather than just saying that I haven't had a drink for such and such a time. So in a way, that is progress for me.
I am so worried for my brother. He is killing himself. What can we do?
A x
Anyway, by brother B had a hernia operation nearly two weeks ago. He told me he would go back to work after a few days, but I told him he would need longer than that. He said we'll see. I spoke to him last night and he told me he hasn't gone back yet and that work is okay about that. The problem is, I was talking to my oldest brother R recently (he lives close to B and sees him quite a bit) and he told me (in strict confidence, so not to tell B that I know) that he hasn't been to work in weeks. That the day he got out of hospital after his operation (it was a day case so he wasn't in overnight) he went home and started drinking. (R picked him up from the hospital and B went back to his place so he would have someone there if he needed help). Anyway, R told me that the next day B started drinking early in the day and ended up drinking about 15 or more beers!! It's like he hasn't even had an operation and he's continued to drink more than ever. And because he isn't working, he is drinking all day, every day. I was talking to R last night and we are really worried because he is going to lose his job. He is living off credit because he has no sick leave left and things are going to get even worse. R says he has already hit rock bottom but it hasn't stopped him drinking.
I was talking to R last night and I asked him if B knows he is in trouble. R said that he is fully aware but that he just drinks more to hide from the fact. When R tries to talk to him about it he says "what about you and A?" I said I don't know how he can compare himself to us, and R said that he does. That he thinks other people drink more than they do.
We are so, so worried about him. He also chain smokes and doesn't do any exercise. He is going to die young if he doesn't do something soon. He is single and has a 13 year old boy who he has 50/50 custody of, but he is not going to be able to keep that arrangement if he isn't careful. He will lose his flat and his job. He desperately needs help. R said he is going to talk to a guy he knows who is an AA counsellor, so hopefully he will give us some tips on what to do.
In a funny way, I compare myself to B. I think I am (was) not as bad as him. He is the real alcoholic. And I think I drank for longer because of this. But I WAS just as bad. I have a problem with drinking and that's all that matters. Whether you drink two glasses every night or a bottle or more, if you are powerless and it's making you miserable, you have a problem.
I told R last night that I know I drank too much which is why I gave it up nearly 5 months ago. This is the first time that I've told anyone that I've actually given it up, rather than just saying that I haven't had a drink for such and such a time. So in a way, that is progress for me.
I am so worried for my brother. He is killing himself. What can we do?
A x
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