I have my 30 year school reunion on the weekend. And I am terrified!
I didn't enjoy high school. I had a couple of close girlfriends but that was it. I spent my high school years filled with insecurity and low self esteem. I longed to be one of the 'cool' girls and tried my hardest to be someone I wasn't. I guess I was just not comfortable in my own skin. And it must have come across because I got a lot of grief from a lot of the girls and some of the boys. It was exhausting constantly trying to be something you're not. I tried to lose weight because if I was thin I would be 'cooler'. I took up smoking when I was fifteen because that was definitely cool. But as hard as I tried, I was never considered cool. In fact, the cool girls teased me and I was devastated.
When I started high school I was a gawky 13 year old. I had long blonde hair and I was taller than most of the other girls (this soon changed when I stopped growing and the other girls kept growing! Now I am just average). Then in year 8 I had a fringe (bangs) cut and got a cooler hair style and suddenly a lot of the boys started liking me. But this wasn't the attention I wanted. I wanted the girls to like me, the cool girls that is, I didn't really care about the boys (although that changed not long after). A lot of the girls didn't like me getting attention from the boys and that made it worse.
So you see, high school wasn't kind to me.
To give you a little background, mum packed up my 3 brothers and me and moved us 5 hours away to a tiny country town where we didn't know a soul. We did this to leave my drunken father. Mum had her name on a waiting list for commission housing and this town was the first to come up (The other alternative was high rise apartments in the city, but thank God we didn't move to one of those). Mum loved the country and thought it was a much better option.
Moving was hard though, especially on me and my older brother. He went into year 9 and I went into year 7. Starting high school is hard enough but when you don't know ANYONE, especially in a small country town where friendships have already been established, it is even more challenging. My brother struggled too but being a good looking boy helped and he fitted in a lot easier than I did. I on the other hand was really really shy, but this shyness was mistaken for aloofness, for being 'up myself' and a snob.
So I spent all my high school years worrying what people thought of me, and it's a pattern that has continued all through my adulthood years. And to this day, whenever I go back to visit mum in the country, I revert back to that 16 year old girl who was consumed with angst and fear over what other people thought of her. It's horrible and I hate myself for it. I should have grown out of this by now. I should have enough life experience and confidence by now not to worry about what others think, but I can't help it. I agonise over what I'm wearing when I go up to the local shops for heavens sake (am I over dressed or under dressed, should I not wear lipstick or dangly earrings? I don't want people to think I'm 'up myself')
So the thought of going to this reunion is terrifying. On the one hand, I want to catch up with the few people I was friends with, but I couldn't really care less about the others. And on the other hand, I'm hoping that people have grown up by now (Surely by now, being 47/48!) and that they will have forgotten what went on back then. Or will they remember, like I have?
I wasn't going to go. But I changed my mind, thinking I might regret it later if I don't. And I will have my husband with me, so if it's really horrible, at least I will have him to talk to and to have my back.
But I'm hoping it will be fine. I'm hoping that I will later say to myself "what were you worried about? Everyone has grown up and we are all equals now".
And I won't have alcohol as a buffer. I will be doing this raw and sober. And people are sure to ask why I'm not drinking, and some are surely going judge me for it.
But maybe this will be the time when I finally grow up. When I finally come to realise that we are all the same. That we are all just humans living our lives and doing the best we can. That these people were only kids themselves back then, with their own insecurities and fears. That it wasn't all about me after all.
Maybe I will finally be able to go home to the small country town and find peace.
A x
Thursday, 10 March 2016
Monday, 7 March 2016
Confessions
When I used to drink, I wouldn't get a lot done. Every day I would regret another wasted day. Not tidying up the house, not going through the little guys closet and getting rid of all his old clothes, not going through my own wardrobe, not mopping the floors and the list goes on and on.
I would get up in the morning feeling tired and hungover, take the little guy to school and come back home and crawl back in to bed and sleep for a few hours. I would then get up, feel terribly guilty. Guilty for wasting half the day, guilty for being hungover, guilty for drinking again, just guilty for everything. Then before I knew it it would be time for school pickup, time to cook dinner and crack open the wine again. Of course the evening would be a write off too. I would stay up late, drinking a bottle or more and then wake up the next morning feeling shit again. Groundhog day.
When I gave up drinking 3 and a half months ago, I thought everything would change. I thought I would have boundless energy, not be tired anymore, get heaps of stuff done and miraculously become a morning person.
This hasn't happened!!
I still stay up late watching tv. We've been having problems getting the little guy to bed and to sleep early so by the time he nods off it's quite late and really late when our shows have finished. So of course I am tired in the morning. And I'm embarrassed to say, that I still sometimes go back to bed after school drop off. Then I hate myself for this. For still not getting anything done during the day, the tidying and sorting still not done. Floors still not mopped. Clutter still around. Uggh! I hate it!!
Even on the days that I don't go back to bed (which to my credit are more than the days that I do) I still sit around all morning on the computer and nothing gets done. And before I know it it's time for school pickup.
Why am I still like this?!
Take today for example. I got back from school pick up, had breakfast, then sat on the couch with the laptop and turned the tv on to have the morning shows on in the background. It is now nearly 2 pm and other than making the beds, I have done nothing other than be on the computer.
My plan this morning was to write in my blog, spend no more than an hour on the computer, then get up and GET STUFF DONE.
Instead, I found a new sober blog and before I knew it hours had passed and I still hadn't written in my own.
I so was to change this pattern. But how? I love my morning ritual of reading sober blogs (and catching up on facebook too of course!) but it's not working. I'm not getting anything done. I am so lazy and I don't want to be this person any more.
Please help!
A x
I would get up in the morning feeling tired and hungover, take the little guy to school and come back home and crawl back in to bed and sleep for a few hours. I would then get up, feel terribly guilty. Guilty for wasting half the day, guilty for being hungover, guilty for drinking again, just guilty for everything. Then before I knew it it would be time for school pickup, time to cook dinner and crack open the wine again. Of course the evening would be a write off too. I would stay up late, drinking a bottle or more and then wake up the next morning feeling shit again. Groundhog day.
When I gave up drinking 3 and a half months ago, I thought everything would change. I thought I would have boundless energy, not be tired anymore, get heaps of stuff done and miraculously become a morning person.
This hasn't happened!!
I still stay up late watching tv. We've been having problems getting the little guy to bed and to sleep early so by the time he nods off it's quite late and really late when our shows have finished. So of course I am tired in the morning. And I'm embarrassed to say, that I still sometimes go back to bed after school drop off. Then I hate myself for this. For still not getting anything done during the day, the tidying and sorting still not done. Floors still not mopped. Clutter still around. Uggh! I hate it!!
Even on the days that I don't go back to bed (which to my credit are more than the days that I do) I still sit around all morning on the computer and nothing gets done. And before I know it it's time for school pickup.
Why am I still like this?!
Take today for example. I got back from school pick up, had breakfast, then sat on the couch with the laptop and turned the tv on to have the morning shows on in the background. It is now nearly 2 pm and other than making the beds, I have done nothing other than be on the computer.
My plan this morning was to write in my blog, spend no more than an hour on the computer, then get up and GET STUFF DONE.
Instead, I found a new sober blog and before I knew it hours had passed and I still hadn't written in my own.
I so was to change this pattern. But how? I love my morning ritual of reading sober blogs (and catching up on facebook too of course!) but it's not working. I'm not getting anything done. I am so lazy and I don't want to be this person any more.
Please help!
A x
Friday, 4 March 2016
Slowly beginning to tell people
Dinner with my in-laws was nice. Hubby told my MIL that I hadn't had a drink for 100 days and she congratulated me and gave me a hug and kiss. My husband has 2 brothers (one older and one younger), the older one was asking me why I wasn't drinking so I told him about my endometriosis and how it is recommended that you don't drink alcohol. I also told him that I had found myself drinking every night and I was tired of it. My other brother-in-law didn't even notice or if he did, he didn't say anything. My FIL didn't say anything either. He is in recovery himself but he is 75 and doesn't talk about it as a rule. Not sure if I'll broach him on the subject one day. I was secretly hoping he would get me a 3 month chip from one of his meetings (he still goes every week and my MIL goes with him most of the time) but I doubt that he will.
Yesterday I caught up with a lovely girl I used to work with. We had a nice lunch and a really good chat. As we were walking back to our cars we were saying how we must catch up again soon and not leave it so long, the usual thing you say when you catch up with someone you haven't seen for a while. Anyway, she said something about having a glass of wine and I told her I'm not drinking anymore. I told her what I had told my BIL and she was really supportive in her comments. We chatted a bit about how mums are drinking wine to cope and that it's not a good thing. So when we do catch up next; hopefully for a bbq at our favourite park, she won't be surprised to see me not drinking and I won't have to explain why again.
So, 103 days today. I have passed my record!! I signed up for Belle's team 180 challenge, and I am going to make it! I will have 6 months sober by the time I finish it and hopefully after that my next challenge will be one year! I know challenges can be tricky because having an end date can mean that you give in at the end, but I feel strong enough to keep going this time. I think I am finally accepting the idea of forever. But having said that, I am not focusing too much ahead and mainly concentrating on the here and now. Less overwhelming that way.
Hubby is really proud of me, which is nice. He made a comment the other day about how he has cut back a lot on his drinking now that I'm not drinking anymore, and it's true. So it's good for the whole family (well, all three of us!). I just wish I had done it years ago. So much time wasted, and I will never get that time back. Especially my son's early years, that is my greatest regret. But I can't turn back the clock. So I have to concentrate on the present and be the best person I can be now.
I have lost a kilo this last week!! I'm hoping that I will finally start to lose weight! I remember SM saying how it takes about 100 days before you start losing weight, so I hope she is right. I am hoping to lose 15kg. I realise that that's a big ask but you never know!
A x
Yesterday I caught up with a lovely girl I used to work with. We had a nice lunch and a really good chat. As we were walking back to our cars we were saying how we must catch up again soon and not leave it so long, the usual thing you say when you catch up with someone you haven't seen for a while. Anyway, she said something about having a glass of wine and I told her I'm not drinking anymore. I told her what I had told my BIL and she was really supportive in her comments. We chatted a bit about how mums are drinking wine to cope and that it's not a good thing. So when we do catch up next; hopefully for a bbq at our favourite park, she won't be surprised to see me not drinking and I won't have to explain why again.
So, 103 days today. I have passed my record!! I signed up for Belle's team 180 challenge, and I am going to make it! I will have 6 months sober by the time I finish it and hopefully after that my next challenge will be one year! I know challenges can be tricky because having an end date can mean that you give in at the end, but I feel strong enough to keep going this time. I think I am finally accepting the idea of forever. But having said that, I am not focusing too much ahead and mainly concentrating on the here and now. Less overwhelming that way.
Hubby is really proud of me, which is nice. He made a comment the other day about how he has cut back a lot on his drinking now that I'm not drinking anymore, and it's true. So it's good for the whole family (well, all three of us!). I just wish I had done it years ago. So much time wasted, and I will never get that time back. Especially my son's early years, that is my greatest regret. But I can't turn back the clock. So I have to concentrate on the present and be the best person I can be now.
I have lost a kilo this last week!! I'm hoping that I will finally start to lose weight! I remember SM saying how it takes about 100 days before you start losing weight, so I hope she is right. I am hoping to lose 15kg. I realise that that's a big ask but you never know!
A x
Tuesday, 1 March 2016
Day 100 ... take 2
Today finds me at 100 days sober. I am pleased to say that I am in a much better head space than I was last year when I got to this stage. I was reading back through my post from back then (here) and I was in a real slump. Not sure if it was PAWs or not, but whatever the case, I was feeling miserable and I only lasted another couple of days before I started drinking again. This time around, I feel so much happier. I still have down days but not nearly as bad or debilitating. I feel positive this time and the thought of forever isn't quite so daunting. I am going to keep going, and hopefully I will become stronger and stronger, and get to know myself better.
Last Thursday night, we were having a bbq for dinner at the park with my friend C, her hubby and their son. It was another beautiful evening and I was happy drinking my diet coke. C and her husband had a few drinks and were very chatty, and it didn't bother me at all that I wasn't drinking too. Don't get me wrong, I do have fleeting moments when I think a glass of something would be nice, but that's all they are, fleeting thoughts. I always think it through to the next morning and it's enough to keep me from having one (though we all know it would never be just one!) Anyway, as we were packing up to leave, C asked me if I'll ever have a glass again. Now normally, I would say something along the lines of yes of course, I'm just having a break, seeing if I will lose some weight or something along those lines. But this time I didn't say that. I told her I wasn't sure (I know, not 100% convincing but it's a start) I told her that I was going to keep going as I feel so much better. I also told her that if I'd had a glass or 2 with dinner, I would go home and have more and then I'd feel shit the next morning. And that was the problem, that I can't stop at 1 or 2. So, I am starting to be honest about the real reason I am not drinking any more. I even said to her that just because I am not drinking doesn't mean we can't go out together and have a good time. And she agreed. So I am glad I am being honest. It's so much easier that skirting around the issue.
It was my mother-in-laws birthday yesterday. She is turning 19! Well, not really of course. She turned 76, but she usually celebrates her birthday on the 28th. Tonight we are all going out to dinner to celebrate. I usually work Tuesday afternoons so would have missed out, so I've taken a sick day (I feel terribly guilty even though I have 100's of sick hours due). It is the only night all her 3 sons could make it, so it should be a good night. With the exception of my father-in-law, who has been in recovery for over 30 years, everyone will probably have a drink. It will be interesting to see how they react to me still not drinking. They know I have been having a break, but I haven't told them anything else. I think I will just play it by ear and decide when I'm there what I will say. I'm looking forward to a nice dinner with hubby's family.
So, yes. 100 days! I hope that one day in the future I will look back at this time and 100 days will seem like a drop in the ocean. But for now, it feels bloody good to be here. And to be feeling so positive about it. I think I have come a long way and getting stronger. I guess it shows that persistence pays off and that each time you fall off the wagon you learn something new about yourself and grow a little stronger.
Have a great day everyone!
A x
Last Thursday night, we were having a bbq for dinner at the park with my friend C, her hubby and their son. It was another beautiful evening and I was happy drinking my diet coke. C and her husband had a few drinks and were very chatty, and it didn't bother me at all that I wasn't drinking too. Don't get me wrong, I do have fleeting moments when I think a glass of something would be nice, but that's all they are, fleeting thoughts. I always think it through to the next morning and it's enough to keep me from having one (though we all know it would never be just one!) Anyway, as we were packing up to leave, C asked me if I'll ever have a glass again. Now normally, I would say something along the lines of yes of course, I'm just having a break, seeing if I will lose some weight or something along those lines. But this time I didn't say that. I told her I wasn't sure (I know, not 100% convincing but it's a start) I told her that I was going to keep going as I feel so much better. I also told her that if I'd had a glass or 2 with dinner, I would go home and have more and then I'd feel shit the next morning. And that was the problem, that I can't stop at 1 or 2. So, I am starting to be honest about the real reason I am not drinking any more. I even said to her that just because I am not drinking doesn't mean we can't go out together and have a good time. And she agreed. So I am glad I am being honest. It's so much easier that skirting around the issue.
It was my mother-in-laws birthday yesterday. She is turning 19! Well, not really of course. She turned 76, but she usually celebrates her birthday on the 28th. Tonight we are all going out to dinner to celebrate. I usually work Tuesday afternoons so would have missed out, so I've taken a sick day (I feel terribly guilty even though I have 100's of sick hours due). It is the only night all her 3 sons could make it, so it should be a good night. With the exception of my father-in-law, who has been in recovery for over 30 years, everyone will probably have a drink. It will be interesting to see how they react to me still not drinking. They know I have been having a break, but I haven't told them anything else. I think I will just play it by ear and decide when I'm there what I will say. I'm looking forward to a nice dinner with hubby's family.
So, yes. 100 days! I hope that one day in the future I will look back at this time and 100 days will seem like a drop in the ocean. But for now, it feels bloody good to be here. And to be feeling so positive about it. I think I have come a long way and getting stronger. I guess it shows that persistence pays off and that each time you fall off the wagon you learn something new about yourself and grow a little stronger.
Have a great day everyone!
A x
Wednesday, 24 February 2016
Social gatherings and living alcohol free
Gosh, it's been a few weeks since my last post. I've been so slack!!
So, life goes on. Today I am on day 94. Three months since I last had a drink! Time has gone so quickly, I can't quite believe it! It will be Easter before we know it. Slow down time!
Anyway, I have been plodding along quite nicely. We have been taking advantage of the lovely summer evenings and going to our favourite park for bbq dinners. This used to be a great excuse (like I needed one!) to buy a bottle or two and enjoy a drink in such a beautiful setting. But now it's normal for me to just have diet coke and the experience is just as lovely, if not more so as I am really present in the moment. I love these evenings.
One day a couple of weeks ago, I bumped into a friend I hadn't seen for a couple of years. Her husband has been mates with mine for many years but we don't get to catch up much since we all had kids. Anyway, she invited us to their place to dinner the following night as they were having a dinner party. I was a bit nervous because I knew I wouldn't know many people there and I wouldn't have alcohol as a buffer. It turned out to be a pleasant evening, although it was tough at times. As soon as we got there, the wine and champagne was flowing, and in the past I would have had one straight away followed by many more. This time however I just told them I wasn't drinking at the moment (I still haven't been able to come out and say I have quit drinking. Maybe I don't really believe it yet?) They asked me if I was doing Febfast so I said yes, it just seemed easier. There was another couple there who we have met before but hadn't seen for about 5 or 6 years and who I was never particularly close to (the girl is one of those people who is hot and cold, friendly one day and not so much the next) so I was a bit nervous chatting to her, but it was ok in the end. But I will say this about the whole evening. I was super aware that I was the only one not drinking and I had to put a lot of effort into having conversations. It is so much harder without alcohol! Hubby had a few beers, which is fine as he doesn't have a problem, and everyone was drinking but no one seemed drunk. By midnight I was well and truly ready to go home!! I will be honest though and confess that the thought of having a glass of champagne was tempting. But I'm so glad I didn't. Because we all know it wouldn't have been just one glass of champagne!
Another interesting night we had was last Wednesday when we went to a local pub for dinner with C and her hubby. They have been having some family issues lately and it all came out that night. The beer and wine flowed (for them and hubby) and they got more and more vocal as the night wore on. I was happy to offer advice and feedback, and it was good because I could really listen. If I was drinking too I would have been louder and offering my opinion without really listening. By the end of the night though, I was thinking I would be the only one waking up without a hangover the next day!!
I was having a text conversation with my older brother the other night and he was telling me how proud of me he is. He also said he would love to be someone who doesn't drink or smoke, how drinking is such a time waster. I would love for him to enjoy the freedom of living without alcohol. He doesn't drink as much as I did but it's obviously bothering him. He is a single dad and has a 50/50 custody arrangement with his 2 boys, and he tries really hard to set a good example for them. He wants to break the drinking pattern that is so strong in our family history. I hope he can do it. Our other brother (the one who is a 'real' alcoholic) doesn't seem to want to get help at all. It's awful to watch him with his 12 year old son when he is drunk. I fear for both my brother and his son. I'm afraid my brother is going to have to hit rock bottom before realising that he has to stop drinking, and what that may entail.
Not drinking is becoming my normal. Going out to dinner, family functions and with friends without drinking is fine for me now. I still have triggery moments on occasion but they are fleeting. During these moments I play the tape forward and imagine what it would be like if I had that drink. This seems to be working for now. I hope it continues!
I had a horrendously buys shift at work last night! From the moment I was allocated my patients I knew it was going to be busy. Just the thought of all I had to do was overwhelming, so I said a little prayer and asked God to help me get through the day. Thank goodness some of the other nurses helped me, but it was still crazy busy. And it was exactly the sort of night that in the past would have sent me straight to the bottle shop on the way home! "OMG! I need a drink" would have been the first thought to pop into my head as I was finishing up and going home. But last night, even though the thought did pop into my head, I once again played it forward. What would happen if I stopped on the way home and got a bottle (no, it would have to be 2 in case hubby wanted a glass!) and I just didn't want to go there. Because I would end up drinking a whole bottle if not more and today I would have woken up hungover and feeling miserable and it's just not worth it. Nothing would make the night less busy, and I would lose today in the process. So, I got home late last night, had a little whinge to hubby, watched some tv and went to bed late. And I am tired today, but I am not hungover, and that makes all the difference.
When I reached 90 days I contemplated going to an AA meeting just to get a 90 day chip! For some reason, I really wanted one! But I didn't go. One day I will get there. But chip or no chip, 3 months is a great achievement! And I intend to keep going.
A x
So, life goes on. Today I am on day 94. Three months since I last had a drink! Time has gone so quickly, I can't quite believe it! It will be Easter before we know it. Slow down time!
Anyway, I have been plodding along quite nicely. We have been taking advantage of the lovely summer evenings and going to our favourite park for bbq dinners. This used to be a great excuse (like I needed one!) to buy a bottle or two and enjoy a drink in such a beautiful setting. But now it's normal for me to just have diet coke and the experience is just as lovely, if not more so as I am really present in the moment. I love these evenings.
One day a couple of weeks ago, I bumped into a friend I hadn't seen for a couple of years. Her husband has been mates with mine for many years but we don't get to catch up much since we all had kids. Anyway, she invited us to their place to dinner the following night as they were having a dinner party. I was a bit nervous because I knew I wouldn't know many people there and I wouldn't have alcohol as a buffer. It turned out to be a pleasant evening, although it was tough at times. As soon as we got there, the wine and champagne was flowing, and in the past I would have had one straight away followed by many more. This time however I just told them I wasn't drinking at the moment (I still haven't been able to come out and say I have quit drinking. Maybe I don't really believe it yet?) They asked me if I was doing Febfast so I said yes, it just seemed easier. There was another couple there who we have met before but hadn't seen for about 5 or 6 years and who I was never particularly close to (the girl is one of those people who is hot and cold, friendly one day and not so much the next) so I was a bit nervous chatting to her, but it was ok in the end. But I will say this about the whole evening. I was super aware that I was the only one not drinking and I had to put a lot of effort into having conversations. It is so much harder without alcohol! Hubby had a few beers, which is fine as he doesn't have a problem, and everyone was drinking but no one seemed drunk. By midnight I was well and truly ready to go home!! I will be honest though and confess that the thought of having a glass of champagne was tempting. But I'm so glad I didn't. Because we all know it wouldn't have been just one glass of champagne!
Another interesting night we had was last Wednesday when we went to a local pub for dinner with C and her hubby. They have been having some family issues lately and it all came out that night. The beer and wine flowed (for them and hubby) and they got more and more vocal as the night wore on. I was happy to offer advice and feedback, and it was good because I could really listen. If I was drinking too I would have been louder and offering my opinion without really listening. By the end of the night though, I was thinking I would be the only one waking up without a hangover the next day!!
I was having a text conversation with my older brother the other night and he was telling me how proud of me he is. He also said he would love to be someone who doesn't drink or smoke, how drinking is such a time waster. I would love for him to enjoy the freedom of living without alcohol. He doesn't drink as much as I did but it's obviously bothering him. He is a single dad and has a 50/50 custody arrangement with his 2 boys, and he tries really hard to set a good example for them. He wants to break the drinking pattern that is so strong in our family history. I hope he can do it. Our other brother (the one who is a 'real' alcoholic) doesn't seem to want to get help at all. It's awful to watch him with his 12 year old son when he is drunk. I fear for both my brother and his son. I'm afraid my brother is going to have to hit rock bottom before realising that he has to stop drinking, and what that may entail.
Not drinking is becoming my normal. Going out to dinner, family functions and with friends without drinking is fine for me now. I still have triggery moments on occasion but they are fleeting. During these moments I play the tape forward and imagine what it would be like if I had that drink. This seems to be working for now. I hope it continues!
I had a horrendously buys shift at work last night! From the moment I was allocated my patients I knew it was going to be busy. Just the thought of all I had to do was overwhelming, so I said a little prayer and asked God to help me get through the day. Thank goodness some of the other nurses helped me, but it was still crazy busy. And it was exactly the sort of night that in the past would have sent me straight to the bottle shop on the way home! "OMG! I need a drink" would have been the first thought to pop into my head as I was finishing up and going home. But last night, even though the thought did pop into my head, I once again played it forward. What would happen if I stopped on the way home and got a bottle (no, it would have to be 2 in case hubby wanted a glass!) and I just didn't want to go there. Because I would end up drinking a whole bottle if not more and today I would have woken up hungover and feeling miserable and it's just not worth it. Nothing would make the night less busy, and I would lose today in the process. So, I got home late last night, had a little whinge to hubby, watched some tv and went to bed late. And I am tired today, but I am not hungover, and that makes all the difference.
When I reached 90 days I contemplated going to an AA meeting just to get a 90 day chip! For some reason, I really wanted one! But I didn't go. One day I will get there. But chip or no chip, 3 months is a great achievement! And I intend to keep going.
A x
Thursday, 4 February 2016
Changes
I need to make some changes. Quitting alcohol is wonderful, but there are other areas in my life that need improvement. For example: the INTERNET!! It is such a time waster. I got up this morning, took the little guy to school, got home and had some toast for breakfast, put the tv on, grabbed the laptop and sat on the couch. And there I've been all day. And it's 1.30 in the afternoon!!! Today was washing my hair day (which I hate!) and I had planned to do it straight after breakfast. I thought I'll do that, be on the computer for a bit, then I'll do some work around the house. But no, here I still sit. I finally washed my hair at 12.15, had some lunch, then came back on here.
It has to change! I am getting nothing done around the house, I feel lazy and I am not going to lose any weight sitting on my fat bum all day! It is so depressing. I need to find some motivation and get moving.
It's great that I am not drinking. I wake up tired (up late watching Nashville. God I love that show!!) but not hungover, which is still such a wonderful feeling. I am not hungover tired and miserable. I am not going back to bed and sleeping half the day. But I am not achieving anything else besides being sober. Some people say that is enough in these early stages of sobriety, but I want to do more. I want to feel motivated to improve other areas of my life. I want to have energy and purpose.
I feel stuck in a rut. But how to change?
I've been thinking of giving up the internet, but that's impossible. So, I need to cut back on my time on the computer. God, it feels like I have so many addictions! Diet coke, chocolate, the internet, tv and I am sure there are others. The thought of giving all these things up is overwhelming and impossible. I would really appreciate your thoughts on how to begin. Because I don't want to live this way any more. I can't.
A x
It has to change! I am getting nothing done around the house, I feel lazy and I am not going to lose any weight sitting on my fat bum all day! It is so depressing. I need to find some motivation and get moving.
It's great that I am not drinking. I wake up tired (up late watching Nashville. God I love that show!!) but not hungover, which is still such a wonderful feeling. I am not hungover tired and miserable. I am not going back to bed and sleeping half the day. But I am not achieving anything else besides being sober. Some people say that is enough in these early stages of sobriety, but I want to do more. I want to feel motivated to improve other areas of my life. I want to have energy and purpose.
I feel stuck in a rut. But how to change?
I've been thinking of giving up the internet, but that's impossible. So, I need to cut back on my time on the computer. God, it feels like I have so many addictions! Diet coke, chocolate, the internet, tv and I am sure there are others. The thought of giving all these things up is overwhelming and impossible. I would really appreciate your thoughts on how to begin. Because I don't want to live this way any more. I can't.
A x
Monday, 1 February 2016
Cruising along
The little guys started back at school today. Grade 4!! It doesn't seem that long since he started prep (you might know it as kindergarten) and now he is in middle school. How did that happen?! I was watching the mums of the newbies this morning and was a little sad that that won't be me again. Still, I have my beautiful boy and I am so thankful for that.
Today finds me at day 71. A drop of alcohol hasn't touched my lips for 10 whole weeks! It feels good to have those first difficult few weeks behind me. I am cruising along quite happily. I have fleeting moments of pure happiness (that elusive pink cloud maybe?) but mostly I just feel content. But as I mentioned in my last post, I don't want to get complacent. I read blogs, listen to the bubble hour, lurk on the Living Sober website and log in to the Hello Sunday Morning website most days, but is that enough? I still haven't gotten to a meeting, but now that the little guy is back at school I am hoping to get to one one of these days. Does it matter that I'm just cruising along? Should I be doing more? I don't know. I read about other people who give up drinking and they talk about their amazing new lives and how they find themselves, and how life is so much better. I am thrilled to be not drinking, but other than not drinking, my life is pretty much the same. I really want an amazing new life too, but I'm not sure it's going to happen.
We went to our friends place for dinner on Friday night. I told my friend C in advance that I still wasn't drinking because I didn't want any pressure to have a glass, but I needn't have worried. She told me she would join me not drinking as she was not long back from a booze filled holiday. So I was curious to see if she would stick to it. She ended up having 2 glasses of wine and then stopped. Normally she would have more, so I thought that was pretty good. I was happy drinking my diet coke and we had a great night. Her husband had quite a few though! It's funny how you notice these things when you aren't drinking!
I'm kind of lost for words today. I want to blog more often but I just don't have words of wisdom to share. Maybe it's because I am tired today. One of my New Year's resolutions (why do I even bother with these?!) was to start going to bed earlier. But I got home from work last night at 10pm and I can't just go to bed. So I sat up and watched the rest of the mens final in the tennis, then a couple of episodes of Nashville (my new favourite show!!) So of course I'm tired. But I am not hungover and that makes all the difference!
A x
Today finds me at day 71. A drop of alcohol hasn't touched my lips for 10 whole weeks! It feels good to have those first difficult few weeks behind me. I am cruising along quite happily. I have fleeting moments of pure happiness (that elusive pink cloud maybe?) but mostly I just feel content. But as I mentioned in my last post, I don't want to get complacent. I read blogs, listen to the bubble hour, lurk on the Living Sober website and log in to the Hello Sunday Morning website most days, but is that enough? I still haven't gotten to a meeting, but now that the little guy is back at school I am hoping to get to one one of these days. Does it matter that I'm just cruising along? Should I be doing more? I don't know. I read about other people who give up drinking and they talk about their amazing new lives and how they find themselves, and how life is so much better. I am thrilled to be not drinking, but other than not drinking, my life is pretty much the same. I really want an amazing new life too, but I'm not sure it's going to happen.
We went to our friends place for dinner on Friday night. I told my friend C in advance that I still wasn't drinking because I didn't want any pressure to have a glass, but I needn't have worried. She told me she would join me not drinking as she was not long back from a booze filled holiday. So I was curious to see if she would stick to it. She ended up having 2 glasses of wine and then stopped. Normally she would have more, so I thought that was pretty good. I was happy drinking my diet coke and we had a great night. Her husband had quite a few though! It's funny how you notice these things when you aren't drinking!
I'm kind of lost for words today. I want to blog more often but I just don't have words of wisdom to share. Maybe it's because I am tired today. One of my New Year's resolutions (why do I even bother with these?!) was to start going to bed earlier. But I got home from work last night at 10pm and I can't just go to bed. So I sat up and watched the rest of the mens final in the tennis, then a couple of episodes of Nashville (my new favourite show!!) So of course I'm tired. But I am not hungover and that makes all the difference!
A x
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