Today finds me at 100 days sober. I am pleased to say that I am in a much better head space than I was last year when I got to this stage. I was reading back through my post from back then (here) and I was in a real slump. Not sure if it was PAWs or not, but whatever the case, I was feeling miserable and I only lasted another couple of days before I started drinking again. This time around, I feel so much happier. I still have down days but not nearly as bad or debilitating. I feel positive this time and the thought of forever isn't quite so daunting. I am going to keep going, and hopefully I will become stronger and stronger, and get to know myself better.
Last Thursday night, we were having a bbq for dinner at the park with my friend C, her hubby and their son. It was another beautiful evening and I was happy drinking my diet coke. C and her husband had a few drinks and were very chatty, and it didn't bother me at all that I wasn't drinking too. Don't get me wrong, I do have fleeting moments when I think a glass of something would be nice, but that's all they are, fleeting thoughts. I always think it through to the next morning and it's enough to keep me from having one (though we all know it would never be just one!) Anyway, as we were packing up to leave, C asked me if I'll ever have a glass again. Now normally, I would say something along the lines of yes of course, I'm just having a break, seeing if I will lose some weight or something along those lines. But this time I didn't say that. I told her I wasn't sure (I know, not 100% convincing but it's a start) I told her that I was going to keep going as I feel so much better. I also told her that if I'd had a glass or 2 with dinner, I would go home and have more and then I'd feel shit the next morning. And that was the problem, that I can't stop at 1 or 2. So, I am starting to be honest about the real reason I am not drinking any more. I even said to her that just because I am not drinking doesn't mean we can't go out together and have a good time. And she agreed. So I am glad I am being honest. It's so much easier that skirting around the issue.
It was my mother-in-laws birthday yesterday. She is turning 19! Well, not really of course. She turned 76, but she usually celebrates her birthday on the 28th. Tonight we are all going out to dinner to celebrate. I usually work Tuesday afternoons so would have missed out, so I've taken a sick day (I feel terribly guilty even though I have 100's of sick hours due). It is the only night all her 3 sons could make it, so it should be a good night. With the exception of my father-in-law, who has been in recovery for over 30 years, everyone will probably have a drink. It will be interesting to see how they react to me still not drinking. They know I have been having a break, but I haven't told them anything else. I think I will just play it by ear and decide when I'm there what I will say. I'm looking forward to a nice dinner with hubby's family.
So, yes. 100 days! I hope that one day in the future I will look back at this time and 100 days will seem like a drop in the ocean. But for now, it feels bloody good to be here. And to be feeling so positive about it. I think I have come a long way and getting stronger. I guess it shows that persistence pays off and that each time you fall off the wagon you learn something new about yourself and grow a little stronger.
Have a great day everyone!
A x
Tuesday, 1 March 2016
Wednesday, 24 February 2016
Social gatherings and living alcohol free
Gosh, it's been a few weeks since my last post. I've been so slack!!
So, life goes on. Today I am on day 94. Three months since I last had a drink! Time has gone so quickly, I can't quite believe it! It will be Easter before we know it. Slow down time!
Anyway, I have been plodding along quite nicely. We have been taking advantage of the lovely summer evenings and going to our favourite park for bbq dinners. This used to be a great excuse (like I needed one!) to buy a bottle or two and enjoy a drink in such a beautiful setting. But now it's normal for me to just have diet coke and the experience is just as lovely, if not more so as I am really present in the moment. I love these evenings.
One day a couple of weeks ago, I bumped into a friend I hadn't seen for a couple of years. Her husband has been mates with mine for many years but we don't get to catch up much since we all had kids. Anyway, she invited us to their place to dinner the following night as they were having a dinner party. I was a bit nervous because I knew I wouldn't know many people there and I wouldn't have alcohol as a buffer. It turned out to be a pleasant evening, although it was tough at times. As soon as we got there, the wine and champagne was flowing, and in the past I would have had one straight away followed by many more. This time however I just told them I wasn't drinking at the moment (I still haven't been able to come out and say I have quit drinking. Maybe I don't really believe it yet?) They asked me if I was doing Febfast so I said yes, it just seemed easier. There was another couple there who we have met before but hadn't seen for about 5 or 6 years and who I was never particularly close to (the girl is one of those people who is hot and cold, friendly one day and not so much the next) so I was a bit nervous chatting to her, but it was ok in the end. But I will say this about the whole evening. I was super aware that I was the only one not drinking and I had to put a lot of effort into having conversations. It is so much harder without alcohol! Hubby had a few beers, which is fine as he doesn't have a problem, and everyone was drinking but no one seemed drunk. By midnight I was well and truly ready to go home!! I will be honest though and confess that the thought of having a glass of champagne was tempting. But I'm so glad I didn't. Because we all know it wouldn't have been just one glass of champagne!
Another interesting night we had was last Wednesday when we went to a local pub for dinner with C and her hubby. They have been having some family issues lately and it all came out that night. The beer and wine flowed (for them and hubby) and they got more and more vocal as the night wore on. I was happy to offer advice and feedback, and it was good because I could really listen. If I was drinking too I would have been louder and offering my opinion without really listening. By the end of the night though, I was thinking I would be the only one waking up without a hangover the next day!!
I was having a text conversation with my older brother the other night and he was telling me how proud of me he is. He also said he would love to be someone who doesn't drink or smoke, how drinking is such a time waster. I would love for him to enjoy the freedom of living without alcohol. He doesn't drink as much as I did but it's obviously bothering him. He is a single dad and has a 50/50 custody arrangement with his 2 boys, and he tries really hard to set a good example for them. He wants to break the drinking pattern that is so strong in our family history. I hope he can do it. Our other brother (the one who is a 'real' alcoholic) doesn't seem to want to get help at all. It's awful to watch him with his 12 year old son when he is drunk. I fear for both my brother and his son. I'm afraid my brother is going to have to hit rock bottom before realising that he has to stop drinking, and what that may entail.
Not drinking is becoming my normal. Going out to dinner, family functions and with friends without drinking is fine for me now. I still have triggery moments on occasion but they are fleeting. During these moments I play the tape forward and imagine what it would be like if I had that drink. This seems to be working for now. I hope it continues!
I had a horrendously buys shift at work last night! From the moment I was allocated my patients I knew it was going to be busy. Just the thought of all I had to do was overwhelming, so I said a little prayer and asked God to help me get through the day. Thank goodness some of the other nurses helped me, but it was still crazy busy. And it was exactly the sort of night that in the past would have sent me straight to the bottle shop on the way home! "OMG! I need a drink" would have been the first thought to pop into my head as I was finishing up and going home. But last night, even though the thought did pop into my head, I once again played it forward. What would happen if I stopped on the way home and got a bottle (no, it would have to be 2 in case hubby wanted a glass!) and I just didn't want to go there. Because I would end up drinking a whole bottle if not more and today I would have woken up hungover and feeling miserable and it's just not worth it. Nothing would make the night less busy, and I would lose today in the process. So, I got home late last night, had a little whinge to hubby, watched some tv and went to bed late. And I am tired today, but I am not hungover, and that makes all the difference.
When I reached 90 days I contemplated going to an AA meeting just to get a 90 day chip! For some reason, I really wanted one! But I didn't go. One day I will get there. But chip or no chip, 3 months is a great achievement! And I intend to keep going.
A x
So, life goes on. Today I am on day 94. Three months since I last had a drink! Time has gone so quickly, I can't quite believe it! It will be Easter before we know it. Slow down time!
Anyway, I have been plodding along quite nicely. We have been taking advantage of the lovely summer evenings and going to our favourite park for bbq dinners. This used to be a great excuse (like I needed one!) to buy a bottle or two and enjoy a drink in such a beautiful setting. But now it's normal for me to just have diet coke and the experience is just as lovely, if not more so as I am really present in the moment. I love these evenings.
One day a couple of weeks ago, I bumped into a friend I hadn't seen for a couple of years. Her husband has been mates with mine for many years but we don't get to catch up much since we all had kids. Anyway, she invited us to their place to dinner the following night as they were having a dinner party. I was a bit nervous because I knew I wouldn't know many people there and I wouldn't have alcohol as a buffer. It turned out to be a pleasant evening, although it was tough at times. As soon as we got there, the wine and champagne was flowing, and in the past I would have had one straight away followed by many more. This time however I just told them I wasn't drinking at the moment (I still haven't been able to come out and say I have quit drinking. Maybe I don't really believe it yet?) They asked me if I was doing Febfast so I said yes, it just seemed easier. There was another couple there who we have met before but hadn't seen for about 5 or 6 years and who I was never particularly close to (the girl is one of those people who is hot and cold, friendly one day and not so much the next) so I was a bit nervous chatting to her, but it was ok in the end. But I will say this about the whole evening. I was super aware that I was the only one not drinking and I had to put a lot of effort into having conversations. It is so much harder without alcohol! Hubby had a few beers, which is fine as he doesn't have a problem, and everyone was drinking but no one seemed drunk. By midnight I was well and truly ready to go home!! I will be honest though and confess that the thought of having a glass of champagne was tempting. But I'm so glad I didn't. Because we all know it wouldn't have been just one glass of champagne!
Another interesting night we had was last Wednesday when we went to a local pub for dinner with C and her hubby. They have been having some family issues lately and it all came out that night. The beer and wine flowed (for them and hubby) and they got more and more vocal as the night wore on. I was happy to offer advice and feedback, and it was good because I could really listen. If I was drinking too I would have been louder and offering my opinion without really listening. By the end of the night though, I was thinking I would be the only one waking up without a hangover the next day!!
I was having a text conversation with my older brother the other night and he was telling me how proud of me he is. He also said he would love to be someone who doesn't drink or smoke, how drinking is such a time waster. I would love for him to enjoy the freedom of living without alcohol. He doesn't drink as much as I did but it's obviously bothering him. He is a single dad and has a 50/50 custody arrangement with his 2 boys, and he tries really hard to set a good example for them. He wants to break the drinking pattern that is so strong in our family history. I hope he can do it. Our other brother (the one who is a 'real' alcoholic) doesn't seem to want to get help at all. It's awful to watch him with his 12 year old son when he is drunk. I fear for both my brother and his son. I'm afraid my brother is going to have to hit rock bottom before realising that he has to stop drinking, and what that may entail.
Not drinking is becoming my normal. Going out to dinner, family functions and with friends without drinking is fine for me now. I still have triggery moments on occasion but they are fleeting. During these moments I play the tape forward and imagine what it would be like if I had that drink. This seems to be working for now. I hope it continues!
I had a horrendously buys shift at work last night! From the moment I was allocated my patients I knew it was going to be busy. Just the thought of all I had to do was overwhelming, so I said a little prayer and asked God to help me get through the day. Thank goodness some of the other nurses helped me, but it was still crazy busy. And it was exactly the sort of night that in the past would have sent me straight to the bottle shop on the way home! "OMG! I need a drink" would have been the first thought to pop into my head as I was finishing up and going home. But last night, even though the thought did pop into my head, I once again played it forward. What would happen if I stopped on the way home and got a bottle (no, it would have to be 2 in case hubby wanted a glass!) and I just didn't want to go there. Because I would end up drinking a whole bottle if not more and today I would have woken up hungover and feeling miserable and it's just not worth it. Nothing would make the night less busy, and I would lose today in the process. So, I got home late last night, had a little whinge to hubby, watched some tv and went to bed late. And I am tired today, but I am not hungover, and that makes all the difference.
When I reached 90 days I contemplated going to an AA meeting just to get a 90 day chip! For some reason, I really wanted one! But I didn't go. One day I will get there. But chip or no chip, 3 months is a great achievement! And I intend to keep going.
A x
Thursday, 4 February 2016
Changes
I need to make some changes. Quitting alcohol is wonderful, but there are other areas in my life that need improvement. For example: the INTERNET!! It is such a time waster. I got up this morning, took the little guy to school, got home and had some toast for breakfast, put the tv on, grabbed the laptop and sat on the couch. And there I've been all day. And it's 1.30 in the afternoon!!! Today was washing my hair day (which I hate!) and I had planned to do it straight after breakfast. I thought I'll do that, be on the computer for a bit, then I'll do some work around the house. But no, here I still sit. I finally washed my hair at 12.15, had some lunch, then came back on here.
It has to change! I am getting nothing done around the house, I feel lazy and I am not going to lose any weight sitting on my fat bum all day! It is so depressing. I need to find some motivation and get moving.
It's great that I am not drinking. I wake up tired (up late watching Nashville. God I love that show!!) but not hungover, which is still such a wonderful feeling. I am not hungover tired and miserable. I am not going back to bed and sleeping half the day. But I am not achieving anything else besides being sober. Some people say that is enough in these early stages of sobriety, but I want to do more. I want to feel motivated to improve other areas of my life. I want to have energy and purpose.
I feel stuck in a rut. But how to change?
I've been thinking of giving up the internet, but that's impossible. So, I need to cut back on my time on the computer. God, it feels like I have so many addictions! Diet coke, chocolate, the internet, tv and I am sure there are others. The thought of giving all these things up is overwhelming and impossible. I would really appreciate your thoughts on how to begin. Because I don't want to live this way any more. I can't.
A x
It has to change! I am getting nothing done around the house, I feel lazy and I am not going to lose any weight sitting on my fat bum all day! It is so depressing. I need to find some motivation and get moving.
It's great that I am not drinking. I wake up tired (up late watching Nashville. God I love that show!!) but not hungover, which is still such a wonderful feeling. I am not hungover tired and miserable. I am not going back to bed and sleeping half the day. But I am not achieving anything else besides being sober. Some people say that is enough in these early stages of sobriety, but I want to do more. I want to feel motivated to improve other areas of my life. I want to have energy and purpose.
I feel stuck in a rut. But how to change?
I've been thinking of giving up the internet, but that's impossible. So, I need to cut back on my time on the computer. God, it feels like I have so many addictions! Diet coke, chocolate, the internet, tv and I am sure there are others. The thought of giving all these things up is overwhelming and impossible. I would really appreciate your thoughts on how to begin. Because I don't want to live this way any more. I can't.
A x
Monday, 1 February 2016
Cruising along
The little guys started back at school today. Grade 4!! It doesn't seem that long since he started prep (you might know it as kindergarten) and now he is in middle school. How did that happen?! I was watching the mums of the newbies this morning and was a little sad that that won't be me again. Still, I have my beautiful boy and I am so thankful for that.
Today finds me at day 71. A drop of alcohol hasn't touched my lips for 10 whole weeks! It feels good to have those first difficult few weeks behind me. I am cruising along quite happily. I have fleeting moments of pure happiness (that elusive pink cloud maybe?) but mostly I just feel content. But as I mentioned in my last post, I don't want to get complacent. I read blogs, listen to the bubble hour, lurk on the Living Sober website and log in to the Hello Sunday Morning website most days, but is that enough? I still haven't gotten to a meeting, but now that the little guy is back at school I am hoping to get to one one of these days. Does it matter that I'm just cruising along? Should I be doing more? I don't know. I read about other people who give up drinking and they talk about their amazing new lives and how they find themselves, and how life is so much better. I am thrilled to be not drinking, but other than not drinking, my life is pretty much the same. I really want an amazing new life too, but I'm not sure it's going to happen.
We went to our friends place for dinner on Friday night. I told my friend C in advance that I still wasn't drinking because I didn't want any pressure to have a glass, but I needn't have worried. She told me she would join me not drinking as she was not long back from a booze filled holiday. So I was curious to see if she would stick to it. She ended up having 2 glasses of wine and then stopped. Normally she would have more, so I thought that was pretty good. I was happy drinking my diet coke and we had a great night. Her husband had quite a few though! It's funny how you notice these things when you aren't drinking!
I'm kind of lost for words today. I want to blog more often but I just don't have words of wisdom to share. Maybe it's because I am tired today. One of my New Year's resolutions (why do I even bother with these?!) was to start going to bed earlier. But I got home from work last night at 10pm and I can't just go to bed. So I sat up and watched the rest of the mens final in the tennis, then a couple of episodes of Nashville (my new favourite show!!) So of course I'm tired. But I am not hungover and that makes all the difference!
A x
Today finds me at day 71. A drop of alcohol hasn't touched my lips for 10 whole weeks! It feels good to have those first difficult few weeks behind me. I am cruising along quite happily. I have fleeting moments of pure happiness (that elusive pink cloud maybe?) but mostly I just feel content. But as I mentioned in my last post, I don't want to get complacent. I read blogs, listen to the bubble hour, lurk on the Living Sober website and log in to the Hello Sunday Morning website most days, but is that enough? I still haven't gotten to a meeting, but now that the little guy is back at school I am hoping to get to one one of these days. Does it matter that I'm just cruising along? Should I be doing more? I don't know. I read about other people who give up drinking and they talk about their amazing new lives and how they find themselves, and how life is so much better. I am thrilled to be not drinking, but other than not drinking, my life is pretty much the same. I really want an amazing new life too, but I'm not sure it's going to happen.
We went to our friends place for dinner on Friday night. I told my friend C in advance that I still wasn't drinking because I didn't want any pressure to have a glass, but I needn't have worried. She told me she would join me not drinking as she was not long back from a booze filled holiday. So I was curious to see if she would stick to it. She ended up having 2 glasses of wine and then stopped. Normally she would have more, so I thought that was pretty good. I was happy drinking my diet coke and we had a great night. Her husband had quite a few though! It's funny how you notice these things when you aren't drinking!
I'm kind of lost for words today. I want to blog more often but I just don't have words of wisdom to share. Maybe it's because I am tired today. One of my New Year's resolutions (why do I even bother with these?!) was to start going to bed earlier. But I got home from work last night at 10pm and I can't just go to bed. So I sat up and watched the rest of the mens final in the tennis, then a couple of episodes of Nashville (my new favourite show!!) So of course I'm tired. But I am not hungover and that makes all the difference!
A x
Wednesday, 27 January 2016
I'm back and on day 66
Well, I am still here. Sorry I haven't posted for a while. I had my operation a couple of weeks ago and was in hospital for 2 days. Then mum stayed for a week helping me out, and then we went away to the beach for a week (my parents-in-law own a house near the beach, about an hour and a half away). We had my brother-in-law and his wife and kids staying too so I didn't have a chance to blog. But I have been reading all your blogs on my phone whenever I had a quiet moment to myself (which wasn't often with a house full of noisy kids!!). But I'm back now. I've recovered pretty well from my op but I still don't feel 100%. I'm hoping it just takes a little time.
So, day 66 today! I wanted to buy myself a little treat for reaching day 60 (day 60 feels like a milestone of sorts for some reason) but I was away, but I might still get something. I was thinking of a ring from Pandora, ooh I love those! And tomorrow is my birthday so I must get my thinking cap on for ideas for Mr A. I normally hate my birthday because I am struggling with the thought of the next big 0 birthday, but I am trying to be grateful for them instead. A lot of people don't get the privilege of getting older so I shouldn't be complaining about it. Anyway, 48 is not so bad. It's actually a nice number. 8 is my favourite number so maybe that's why lol!
So anyway, day 66. I am in a different head space this time around. I am sure by this time last year when I did the 100 day challenge I was starting to think about the end date. Maybe not much, but I was definitely aware of it. This time, I am really thinking about why I stopped, and what it would be like if I started again. And for the first time, forever doesn't seem like an impossibility. It's still a scary thought, but I'm beginning to get my head around it.
I have to be honest though. I haven't been putting a lot of effort into my sobriety. But I know I mustn't get complacent because it is so easy to fall back into old patterns. One thing I've been doing though, is really thinking what it would be like if I started drinking again. And I don't want to go back to that place. Alcohol has been in my life for such a long time, and for most of that time, it wasn't my friend. I've done many things in my life that I'm ashamed of, things that I wouldn't have done if I wasn't drinking. My life could have been so different. And whilst that was a long time ago and nothing terrible has happened since I met my husband, there have still been occasions when I've done embarrassing things whilst drunk. This was before the little guy came along but still, a good reminder why I shouldn't drink alcohol. I have a problem with it, and nothing is going to change that.
Occasionally, a crazy thought will pop into my head. It says to me "maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time you know you can't drink too much, but surely now you can just have a couple and it wouldn't have to be every night" But I know this is the wine witch talking. It isn't me. It's that evil wine witch, that monster, and she wants me to drink again and fall into old patterns and become someone I despise. I will NOT go back to that place, I just won't! Sober is so much better.
I still haven't gotten to a meeting. I just haven't had the chance. But the little guy is starting back at school on Monday, so maybe I will then. We'll see. I would like to get to one, just to see if it's for me. I know I need to work on my sobriety. I can't just cruise along and not put any work into it. That's when things can go wrong. And I don't want to be caught off guard. So, I'm going to try and blog more often, keep reading my books and stay vigilant. I want this to work this time.
A x
So, day 66 today! I wanted to buy myself a little treat for reaching day 60 (day 60 feels like a milestone of sorts for some reason) but I was away, but I might still get something. I was thinking of a ring from Pandora, ooh I love those! And tomorrow is my birthday so I must get my thinking cap on for ideas for Mr A. I normally hate my birthday because I am struggling with the thought of the next big 0 birthday, but I am trying to be grateful for them instead. A lot of people don't get the privilege of getting older so I shouldn't be complaining about it. Anyway, 48 is not so bad. It's actually a nice number. 8 is my favourite number so maybe that's why lol!
So anyway, day 66. I am in a different head space this time around. I am sure by this time last year when I did the 100 day challenge I was starting to think about the end date. Maybe not much, but I was definitely aware of it. This time, I am really thinking about why I stopped, and what it would be like if I started again. And for the first time, forever doesn't seem like an impossibility. It's still a scary thought, but I'm beginning to get my head around it.
I have to be honest though. I haven't been putting a lot of effort into my sobriety. But I know I mustn't get complacent because it is so easy to fall back into old patterns. One thing I've been doing though, is really thinking what it would be like if I started drinking again. And I don't want to go back to that place. Alcohol has been in my life for such a long time, and for most of that time, it wasn't my friend. I've done many things in my life that I'm ashamed of, things that I wouldn't have done if I wasn't drinking. My life could have been so different. And whilst that was a long time ago and nothing terrible has happened since I met my husband, there have still been occasions when I've done embarrassing things whilst drunk. This was before the little guy came along but still, a good reminder why I shouldn't drink alcohol. I have a problem with it, and nothing is going to change that.
Occasionally, a crazy thought will pop into my head. It says to me "maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time you know you can't drink too much, but surely now you can just have a couple and it wouldn't have to be every night" But I know this is the wine witch talking. It isn't me. It's that evil wine witch, that monster, and she wants me to drink again and fall into old patterns and become someone I despise. I will NOT go back to that place, I just won't! Sober is so much better.
I still haven't gotten to a meeting. I just haven't had the chance. But the little guy is starting back at school on Monday, so maybe I will then. We'll see. I would like to get to one, just to see if it's for me. I know I need to work on my sobriety. I can't just cruise along and not put any work into it. That's when things can go wrong. And I don't want to be caught off guard. So, I'm going to try and blog more often, keep reading my books and stay vigilant. I want this to work this time.
A x
Friday, 8 January 2016
Dinner with friends. And my new addiction!
Day 47. Feeling a bit tired to day. It's because I stayed up till about 1.30am!! The reason for that is the little guy has been struggling to go to sleep on time and staying awake until well after 10, and even 11pm which, was the case last night. And because it's the school holidays you don't worry so much,, but it means that it's pretty late by the time he's asleep. So when I finally sit down to watch my show on tv (currently it's a show called Nashville. It's BRILLIANT!! It's on Netflix if you're interested) it's really late. Then OH will go to bed at around midnight or after so it's even later before I get a chance to check out my blogs. I know I should just go to bed after my show finishes, but hey! I've always been a bit of a night owl. Not drinking doesn't seem to be changing that!
Last night we went out to dinner with my friend C, her OH and their little guy. We had a lovely evening. They saw my diet coke and asked me if I'm still off the booze, and when I said yes they didn't mention it again. They had a few drinks over the course of the evening and we had a great time. It didn't bother me at all that I wasn't drinking. If I ever think a glass of wine would be nice I just remind myself what would aqually happen after having that 'glass' of wine. Because we all know that it's never just 'a' glass of wine. And playing it forward seems to be working for me. It takes the romance of that glass away. I need to constantly remind myself that I can no longer have a glass of wine. That I'm not a normal drinker and never will be. And I think it's slowly beginning to sink in.
I have a new addiction though. Although it's not really new. It's chocolate!! I just don't have an off switch! I made some chocolate chip chocolate muffins yesterday and straight away I ate 4 of them!!! (They are actually cupcake size though so I tried to convince myself it wasn't so bad. Actual muffins are much bigger) And by the end of the day I'd had 6 all together! (blushes with embarrassment!) Why can't I enjoy just one and then stop? Like 'normal' people? And soon I'll start to think it'll be better when they're all gone so I can't eat them any more which will give me a perfectly good reason to finish the rest of them! And then I will complain about my weight! It's so frustrating! Any suggestions?
It was interesting at dinner last night. My friend C was talking about wanting to cut down on her drinking, about how easy it is to drink a bottle of wine a night. I wanted to tell her that I have some great books she could borrow, but I didn't. Because even though she sometimes talks about cutting down, she also says how drinking 'relaxes' her and I don't think she's anywhere near admitting she has a drinking problem (and she may not. I could just be making an assumption here). Still, I hope she sees me not drinking and still having a good time and learns something from it. Maybe one day I will tell her I have some great books she can read when she's ready. We'll see...
I'm off to the shops with the little guy today. I want to try and get a pedicure so my toes are nice and summer ready for my operation (because having painted toenails when you are lying on the operating table is essential!) I've decided to get the shellac polish because they will last for the rest of the school holidays (of which there are only about 3 weeks left!!) Also, it's a little treat for myself for getting to 47 days sober. I forget to give myself treats, so I thought I may as well start today.
Have a great day everyone :)
A x
Last night we went out to dinner with my friend C, her OH and their little guy. We had a lovely evening. They saw my diet coke and asked me if I'm still off the booze, and when I said yes they didn't mention it again. They had a few drinks over the course of the evening and we had a great time. It didn't bother me at all that I wasn't drinking. If I ever think a glass of wine would be nice I just remind myself what would aqually happen after having that 'glass' of wine. Because we all know that it's never just 'a' glass of wine. And playing it forward seems to be working for me. It takes the romance of that glass away. I need to constantly remind myself that I can no longer have a glass of wine. That I'm not a normal drinker and never will be. And I think it's slowly beginning to sink in.
I have a new addiction though. Although it's not really new. It's chocolate!! I just don't have an off switch! I made some chocolate chip chocolate muffins yesterday and straight away I ate 4 of them!!! (They are actually cupcake size though so I tried to convince myself it wasn't so bad. Actual muffins are much bigger) And by the end of the day I'd had 6 all together! (blushes with embarrassment!) Why can't I enjoy just one and then stop? Like 'normal' people? And soon I'll start to think it'll be better when they're all gone so I can't eat them any more which will give me a perfectly good reason to finish the rest of them! And then I will complain about my weight! It's so frustrating! Any suggestions?
It was interesting at dinner last night. My friend C was talking about wanting to cut down on her drinking, about how easy it is to drink a bottle of wine a night. I wanted to tell her that I have some great books she could borrow, but I didn't. Because even though she sometimes talks about cutting down, she also says how drinking 'relaxes' her and I don't think she's anywhere near admitting she has a drinking problem (and she may not. I could just be making an assumption here). Still, I hope she sees me not drinking and still having a good time and learns something from it. Maybe one day I will tell her I have some great books she can read when she's ready. We'll see...
I'm off to the shops with the little guy today. I want to try and get a pedicure so my toes are nice and summer ready for my operation (because having painted toenails when you are lying on the operating table is essential!) I've decided to get the shellac polish because they will last for the rest of the school holidays (of which there are only about 3 weeks left!!) Also, it's a little treat for myself for getting to 47 days sober. I forget to give myself treats, so I thought I may as well start today.
Have a great day everyone :)
A x
Monday, 4 January 2016
A sober new year
First of all I'd like to wish you all a very Happy New Year!! I can't quite believe that it's 1016! The years are flying by too fast and I can't quite keep up!
Secondly, I just want to apologise for not replying to your comments on my last posts. I have been away and didn't have a chance to get on my computer.
We got back home on New Year's Eve having spent a fantastic week in the country at mums with all my brothers and their families. It was absolutely wonderful! And the best bit is that I did it all sober!! I enjoyed a sober Christmas and it was such a special day. I got up to watch the little guy see what he got from santa. I wasn't irritable because I wanted to sleep more and I wasn't hungover. I got to see the joy on his face and be truly present in the moment. It was magical. And so so worth it!
I will be honest and admit that there were moments throughout the day when I thought a glass of wine would be nice. But I didn't give in and managed to enjoy the day without having any wine at all. Who would have thought it was possible?! And the beauty of it was that I got to wake up on Boxing Day without a hangover too. And every day afterward. I still had a wonderful time and got to do it all with a clear head.
My family were proud of me too, which is nice. My mum didn't say much about it but that's probably because I didn't say much about it. I just told them that I was having a break to lose weight and feel healthier. That was enough for now.
I felt really sorry for my brother B (he is the one with the drinking problem. I would say he is actually an alcoholic) He would start drinking early in the day, sitting outside by himself and smoking one after the other. I really felt for my nephew too because he hardly got to spend any time with his dad (B is single so it is just him and his 13 year old son) B wouldn't go to the pool with all of us for a swim. He wouldn't play tennis with his son, or do anything with him really. My nephew really misses out and my heart just breaks for him. I watched my brother and felt helpless. He looked terrible and is so unhealthy. He hated the way our father was with his drinking yet he is exactly the same (without the violence and the coming and going). Why can't he see that? It is so frustrating to watch. I was shocked to see how much beer he consumed in a day. I have no idea how he affords to drink and smoke that much. It is mind boggling. I wanted to talk to him about it but I didn't know where to begin and was a bit nervous to. He desperately needs help.
Today finds me at day 43. I still can't believe it really. It doesn't seem that long ago that I was trapped in that boozy hell. Wanting to stop but not being able to. I'm just so thankful that I did.
I didn't make any New Year's resolutions. But I guess I do have one. And that is to have a happy and sober 2016. I know I am going to have to work hard to make this a reality. It will take lots of self care and determination. I have been wanting to go to an AA meeting for a while now. I almost went once last year but didn't get there. So one of my aims for this year is to go to one. I am gong to wait until little guy is back at school so I can go to a day meeting. I want to keep it private for now. That may change further down the track, who knows. I will also try and write in my blog regularly. Sometimes I lose momentum with it and struggle to get back to it. I feel like I have nothing to say. But I know there is plenty to say. I want to delve into my inner thoughts more. Try and work out why I have this addiction in the first place. I have always pushed my feelings deep inside. Much easier than dealing with them. I may even look into seeing a therapist. We'll see.
I am having an operation next Monday. It is for my endometriosis, and I also have an ovarian cyst that needs removing. I had a similar procedure 3 years ago and I remember anguishing over whether or not to drink the night before. Of course the need for a drink won and I ended up having a few but desperately trying not to have too many. I was so worried that the anaesthetist would be able to smell the alcohol on my breath when he put me under. No need to worry about that this time! I do have a fear of something going wrong though, or of not waking up. It's very frightening. I'll be glad when it's all over. I'm hoping I won't be in as much pain post operatively and that I'll be able to get into some exercise. Maybe I will finally start to lose some weight!
Have a great day everyone and Happy New Year!!
A x
Secondly, I just want to apologise for not replying to your comments on my last posts. I have been away and didn't have a chance to get on my computer.
We got back home on New Year's Eve having spent a fantastic week in the country at mums with all my brothers and their families. It was absolutely wonderful! And the best bit is that I did it all sober!! I enjoyed a sober Christmas and it was such a special day. I got up to watch the little guy see what he got from santa. I wasn't irritable because I wanted to sleep more and I wasn't hungover. I got to see the joy on his face and be truly present in the moment. It was magical. And so so worth it!
I will be honest and admit that there were moments throughout the day when I thought a glass of wine would be nice. But I didn't give in and managed to enjoy the day without having any wine at all. Who would have thought it was possible?! And the beauty of it was that I got to wake up on Boxing Day without a hangover too. And every day afterward. I still had a wonderful time and got to do it all with a clear head.
My family were proud of me too, which is nice. My mum didn't say much about it but that's probably because I didn't say much about it. I just told them that I was having a break to lose weight and feel healthier. That was enough for now.
I felt really sorry for my brother B (he is the one with the drinking problem. I would say he is actually an alcoholic) He would start drinking early in the day, sitting outside by himself and smoking one after the other. I really felt for my nephew too because he hardly got to spend any time with his dad (B is single so it is just him and his 13 year old son) B wouldn't go to the pool with all of us for a swim. He wouldn't play tennis with his son, or do anything with him really. My nephew really misses out and my heart just breaks for him. I watched my brother and felt helpless. He looked terrible and is so unhealthy. He hated the way our father was with his drinking yet he is exactly the same (without the violence and the coming and going). Why can't he see that? It is so frustrating to watch. I was shocked to see how much beer he consumed in a day. I have no idea how he affords to drink and smoke that much. It is mind boggling. I wanted to talk to him about it but I didn't know where to begin and was a bit nervous to. He desperately needs help.
Today finds me at day 43. I still can't believe it really. It doesn't seem that long ago that I was trapped in that boozy hell. Wanting to stop but not being able to. I'm just so thankful that I did.
I didn't make any New Year's resolutions. But I guess I do have one. And that is to have a happy and sober 2016. I know I am going to have to work hard to make this a reality. It will take lots of self care and determination. I have been wanting to go to an AA meeting for a while now. I almost went once last year but didn't get there. So one of my aims for this year is to go to one. I am gong to wait until little guy is back at school so I can go to a day meeting. I want to keep it private for now. That may change further down the track, who knows. I will also try and write in my blog regularly. Sometimes I lose momentum with it and struggle to get back to it. I feel like I have nothing to say. But I know there is plenty to say. I want to delve into my inner thoughts more. Try and work out why I have this addiction in the first place. I have always pushed my feelings deep inside. Much easier than dealing with them. I may even look into seeing a therapist. We'll see.
I am having an operation next Monday. It is for my endometriosis, and I also have an ovarian cyst that needs removing. I had a similar procedure 3 years ago and I remember anguishing over whether or not to drink the night before. Of course the need for a drink won and I ended up having a few but desperately trying not to have too many. I was so worried that the anaesthetist would be able to smell the alcohol on my breath when he put me under. No need to worry about that this time! I do have a fear of something going wrong though, or of not waking up. It's very frightening. I'll be glad when it's all over. I'm hoping I won't be in as much pain post operatively and that I'll be able to get into some exercise. Maybe I will finally start to lose some weight!
Have a great day everyone and Happy New Year!!
A x
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