Thank you SO much everyone for your support yesterday. It really helped me. It was so lovely knowing that you were all out there thinking of me and cheering me on. I held you all close to my chest and felt cocooned and safe. That evil voice didn't stand a chance!
I ended up sending a text to my friend C telling her that I was on my way but not to pour me a drink as I was on the AF stuff that night. When I got to her place she had the bottle of bubbly on the table with a few glasses and I wondered if she'd gotten my text. No, she hadn't seen it yet. So of course when I said I wasn't having any she was all 'no way! Really?!' But she didn't push it, for which I was grateful. Another girl had half a glass and they were the only ones drinking. I could see C wanted someone to drink with, but this time it was not going to be me!
At the restaurant, I ordered a diet coke and water. C had bought along another bottle of bubbly. She asked me if I was sure I wouldn't like one, then proceeded to ask the others if they would have one with her. I felt a bit sorry for her, because I could see she was desperate to share it and not be the only one drinking it. But that wasn't my problem. I really like her and we are becoming close friends, but I will not be coerced into drinking. I will have to have a chat to her soon and tell her a bit more because I don't want to go through that every time we catch up.
It's going to be hard, because I LOVE bubbly, sparkling, champagne - whatever you want to call it. But I can never have just one glass. Two of the ladies at dinner last night had one glass of shiraz with their steak. Just one!! Who does that?! So as much as I love bubbly, it's not for me anymore.
I feel tired still but so glad I didn't wake up with a hangover. The little guy is off school today (teachers are doing reports or something) so it's lovely to be fully here with him. Not hungover and miserable and everything being too hard. So we are going to go on the bus and the train into the city and look at all the Christmas windows in the shops and have McDonald's for lunch, a bit of an adventure. Last year I planned to do the same thing but I woke up so hungover that I couldn't get out of bed till late morning, told the little guy that I was sick and we spent the whole day at home. Not this year!!
I am quite stressed about Christmas. I find it all overwhelming. The cleaning of the house to put up the tree, putting up the tree, all the Christmas shopping when funds are tight, figuring out what to get everyone etc. But I hope looking at all the Christmas decorations and things in the city will help me to get into the spirit. Christmas is a magical time and I want to be happy! Which I will be, soon.
So my friends, I'm feeling positive. I CAN do this. It might be the most festive time of year, but if I can get through this period wine free I can do anything!!
A x
Thursday, 3 December 2015
Wednesday, 2 December 2015
Help please!!
Ok, I need some help. Today is day 10 and I'm still not drinking. And I'm not planning to. BUT... the Wine Witch has been bugging me all morning. I was driving the little guy to school and I suddenly started thinking that I'm mad to stop drinking at this time of the year. There is only a few weeks left till Christmas, why don't I just wait until the New Year and start again then. What the hell??? I've been telling that voice to p!ss off and leave me alone but I'm scared the seed has been planted.
I really want to do this. I don't want to have to go back to day 1 again. I don't want to go through these early days again. I have made a promise to myself, and to Belle, that I won't drink for 100 days. I need to be committed to this.
I don't want to wake up hungover ever again. I don't want to be filled with shame and remorse for drinking a bottle and a half of wine the night before. I want to be present for my son and husband and to be the best person I can be. I want to find out who I am. I want to discover what stillness and peace and true happiness feels like. I want to feel confident and work on building up my self esteem which has been non-existent my entire life. I want to be sober. None of this will happen if I drink again.
I am going out to dinner tonight with some mums from school. My friend C is having pre-dinner drinks at her house. I'm planning on driving there myself (instead of being picked up) and taking a bottle of AF sparkling. I can do this. I just have to tell that stupid voice to leave me alone.
I need to know that you guys are out there egging me on. I don't want the wine witch to win.
Help!!
A x
I really want to do this. I don't want to have to go back to day 1 again. I don't want to go through these early days again. I have made a promise to myself, and to Belle, that I won't drink for 100 days. I need to be committed to this.
I don't want to wake up hungover ever again. I don't want to be filled with shame and remorse for drinking a bottle and a half of wine the night before. I want to be present for my son and husband and to be the best person I can be. I want to find out who I am. I want to discover what stillness and peace and true happiness feels like. I want to feel confident and work on building up my self esteem which has been non-existent my entire life. I want to be sober. None of this will happen if I drink again.
I am going out to dinner tonight with some mums from school. My friend C is having pre-dinner drinks at her house. I'm planning on driving there myself (instead of being picked up) and taking a bottle of AF sparkling. I can do this. I just have to tell that stupid voice to leave me alone.
I need to know that you guys are out there egging me on. I don't want the wine witch to win.
Help!!
A x
Monday, 30 November 2015
Overwhelmed with life
I find life overwhelming sometimes. I think about everything that I need to do and I can't deal with it. So I don't do anything. And then I feel worse. It's a vicious cycle. I don't think this necessarily has anything to do with my drinking. Or maybe it does, I don't know. I just know that sometimes, often, life seems too hard. I think ahead and it stretches before me, more of the same and sometimes I just want to run away. From life. Of course I wouldn't. I keep getting up each day and living my life. But I wonder, there has to be more to life than this?
I think back to when I was in the latter stages of my last 100 day challenge and I was so flat, depressed almost. I thought it might be PAWS. But then I started drinking again and it lifted. I don't feel that bad again but it's just always there, in the background.
When the Paris tragedy happened, I couldn't help but feel there is no hope for the future. It is only going to get worse. What if I'm at work one day and my hospital is targeted. It's possible. These evil people aren't going to go away, there will always be more. I fear for the future, for my son. What is the world coming to? Is it really worth living?
I am ok. But sometimes I wonder if I really am?
I'm not sure where this post has come from. I sat down to write and the words just came.
I have been looking at the lost of meetings in my area. When I read books about recovery, people seem to be able to find a meeting at a moments notice, at any time of the day. They are not that frequent where I live. They have them in the evenings, but the ones in the day are harder to come by and not in my suburb. I don't want to go to one in the evening. I just want to keep it to myself for now. Hopefully I will get to one soon.
Day 8 today. I can't believe it. A part of me feels like I'm not ready, that I should have waited a bit longer. But that's silly. There is never a good time. Or maybe the opposite is true? Whatever the case, I'm glad I did it. I've found that each time I go back to drinking, the harder it is to get back to day 1. I don't want to have to do these early days again!
A x
I think back to when I was in the latter stages of my last 100 day challenge and I was so flat, depressed almost. I thought it might be PAWS. But then I started drinking again and it lifted. I don't feel that bad again but it's just always there, in the background.
When the Paris tragedy happened, I couldn't help but feel there is no hope for the future. It is only going to get worse. What if I'm at work one day and my hospital is targeted. It's possible. These evil people aren't going to go away, there will always be more. I fear for the future, for my son. What is the world coming to? Is it really worth living?
I am ok. But sometimes I wonder if I really am?
I'm not sure where this post has come from. I sat down to write and the words just came.
I have been looking at the lost of meetings in my area. When I read books about recovery, people seem to be able to find a meeting at a moments notice, at any time of the day. They are not that frequent where I live. They have them in the evenings, but the ones in the day are harder to come by and not in my suburb. I don't want to go to one in the evening. I just want to keep it to myself for now. Hopefully I will get to one soon.
Day 8 today. I can't believe it. A part of me feels like I'm not ready, that I should have waited a bit longer. But that's silly. There is never a good time. Or maybe the opposite is true? Whatever the case, I'm glad I did it. I've found that each time I go back to drinking, the harder it is to get back to day 1. I don't want to have to do these early days again!
A x
Saturday, 28 November 2015
Day 6
About 18 months ago I started a hand written diary. I had been reading sober blogs for about 6 months at that point and was beginning to realise that I needed to do something about my drinking. So I dug out this hard covered notebook I'd had for ages and gave it the title 'My alcohol free day journal'. The first month was May and I wrote out the calendar month and circled the alcohol free days in red pen. I didn't do too badly. I managed 3 days the first time, then drank for 4 then another few off and so it went. June wasn't great with only a couple of red circles. Then I did Dry July and that was wonderful with a red circle around EVERY day!! By then I had started writing this blog, but I kept up the hand written journal and faithfully circled the AF days.
Yesterday I printed off my pledge to not drink for 100 days, cut it to size and using my sons glue stick, pasted it into my journal. This is the 2nd time I've done this and I found my thinking... if something ever happened to me, someone will find this journal and think 'what the hell?!' And I felt silly. In this modern day of electronics and blogs, why continue with my little book? Because it somehow works. When I printed out the pledge and stuck it into that book, no one else but me knows it is there. But 'I' know it is there and I made a promise to myself. And circling each day in red pen somehow helps me. I hated not having any red circles for the last couple of months. And now I have 5! I don't know how long I will continue doing this, but for now, it works. So no matter how silly it may seem I will keep doing it.
So today is day 6. Last Saturday I was getting ready to go a fancy ball that had been in the planning since we went to it the year before. And in my heart, if I'm really honest with myself, I knew I couldn't do it alcohol free. Even though I signed up to Belle's 100 day challenge and planned to not drink, in my heart I knew it wasn't going to be forever because we had the ball in November. But I kept saying to myself, after the ball I will quit again. So in a way I set myself up for failure. Why? Why couldn't I imagine going to that ball sober? By then I would have had 8 months sober if I'd continued on from the 100 day challenge, so surely I would have been able to manage it. I don't know. I am just realising (I'm a bit slow I know!) that there is always going to be a fancy ball around the corner to test me, and if I want this sober lifestyle, I am going to have to work really really hard to not give in to these temptations. To learn to navigate life without booze.
I have a hard time with the concept of 'recovery', and that you have to be in 'recovery' forever. I have a hard time applying it to myself. But whatever the case, what I was doing before wasn't working so I am going to have to do things differently this time. So I need to be open to new ideas, and to allow myself to try different approaches. Like meetings. I'd really like to give meetings a go. But I don't want to tell my husband just yet. He knows I'm having a 'break' but I want to keep the meeting idea private for now. So my aim is to try and get to a meeting one day next week.
We went out for dinner last night with my oldest friend from primary school and her husband. We hadn't seen them for over a year but it didn't matter. We just picked up from where we left off. They had a couple of drinks and I stuck to my diet coke. The good thing was that they didn't make a big thing about it. I just explained to my friend that I'd been drinking every night and that I needed a break and she was fine with that. It was good actually, because in the past when we have caught up, lots of alcohol was always involved. It's good to know that I don't need to drink around these people to have a good time. I won't lie though, I did fleetingly think how nice a glass of wine would be but that was it. I know it wouldn't have been one glass. It would have been 2 or 3 and then more at home, and then I'd be feeling awful this morning. So happy not to have a hangover!
Anyway, I am kind of waffling on and jumping from one point to another, so I might leave it there for now.
I am really tired, but I am sober!
Have a great weekend everyone.
A x
Yesterday I printed off my pledge to not drink for 100 days, cut it to size and using my sons glue stick, pasted it into my journal. This is the 2nd time I've done this and I found my thinking... if something ever happened to me, someone will find this journal and think 'what the hell?!' And I felt silly. In this modern day of electronics and blogs, why continue with my little book? Because it somehow works. When I printed out the pledge and stuck it into that book, no one else but me knows it is there. But 'I' know it is there and I made a promise to myself. And circling each day in red pen somehow helps me. I hated not having any red circles for the last couple of months. And now I have 5! I don't know how long I will continue doing this, but for now, it works. So no matter how silly it may seem I will keep doing it.
So today is day 6. Last Saturday I was getting ready to go a fancy ball that had been in the planning since we went to it the year before. And in my heart, if I'm really honest with myself, I knew I couldn't do it alcohol free. Even though I signed up to Belle's 100 day challenge and planned to not drink, in my heart I knew it wasn't going to be forever because we had the ball in November. But I kept saying to myself, after the ball I will quit again. So in a way I set myself up for failure. Why? Why couldn't I imagine going to that ball sober? By then I would have had 8 months sober if I'd continued on from the 100 day challenge, so surely I would have been able to manage it. I don't know. I am just realising (I'm a bit slow I know!) that there is always going to be a fancy ball around the corner to test me, and if I want this sober lifestyle, I am going to have to work really really hard to not give in to these temptations. To learn to navigate life without booze.
I have a hard time with the concept of 'recovery', and that you have to be in 'recovery' forever. I have a hard time applying it to myself. But whatever the case, what I was doing before wasn't working so I am going to have to do things differently this time. So I need to be open to new ideas, and to allow myself to try different approaches. Like meetings. I'd really like to give meetings a go. But I don't want to tell my husband just yet. He knows I'm having a 'break' but I want to keep the meeting idea private for now. So my aim is to try and get to a meeting one day next week.
We went out for dinner last night with my oldest friend from primary school and her husband. We hadn't seen them for over a year but it didn't matter. We just picked up from where we left off. They had a couple of drinks and I stuck to my diet coke. The good thing was that they didn't make a big thing about it. I just explained to my friend that I'd been drinking every night and that I needed a break and she was fine with that. It was good actually, because in the past when we have caught up, lots of alcohol was always involved. It's good to know that I don't need to drink around these people to have a good time. I won't lie though, I did fleetingly think how nice a glass of wine would be but that was it. I know it wouldn't have been one glass. It would have been 2 or 3 and then more at home, and then I'd be feeling awful this morning. So happy not to have a hangover!
Anyway, I am kind of waffling on and jumping from one point to another, so I might leave it there for now.
I am really tired, but I am sober!
Have a great weekend everyone.
A x
Thursday, 26 November 2015
Fighting my way back
It's been a long time between posts. You can guess why.
After 102 days alcohol free I decided that I could drink again. I could go on about how I thought I could moderate after having some sober time under my belt and knowing how good it felt to be hangover free, about how I thought I could manage just one or two drinks instead of the usual bottle, how I might suddenly have an off switch after decades of not having one, but what would be the point? In the end, I succumbed to the wine witch. I guess a part of me doesn't want to admit that, because hey, I'm not an alcoholic right? I just drink too much. Lots of people do. But it's time to face facts and be really honest. Labels don't matter. I just know that I can't go on like this. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I've just had enough. Normal people don't drink a bottle of wine a night. They just don't. They don't feel hungover every morning and live unproductive lives. They don't complain about their lives because they are miserable and it being not fair and yet not doing anything about it. Only I can change my destiny and the first way of doing that is to put down the wine glass.
I know I've been here before. When you feel this miserable it's easy to feel motivated and determined and even to get a month or so of sober time under your belt. It's the staying stopped that I have trouble with. The forever bit. But this time I'm not going to dwell on that. I can't. I just know that I need to stop. Otherwise nothing is going to change and I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life.
So I've signed up to do Belle's 100 day challenge again. Today is day 4 and I am really tired because I haven't been sleeping well without the wine, but I don't care. I just want to get through these first few difficult days and weeks and start to feel better again. I felt so good last time I did the challenge. So stupid to start drinking again.
It's going to be harder this time with Christmas and New Year's around the corner, not to mention the celebrations leading up to it. But I have to be strong. I need to do this.
After finishing my 100 day challenge last time, I managed 102 days. But my mistake was not signing up to more days. So as I said before, I really thought I might be able to moderate this time. And I started off ok. I drank for a few days then had 3 alcohol free days and managed this routine for two weeks. But that's all. I have been drinking EVERY SINGLE DAY since early September. So, if I am ever stupid enough to think I can moderate again I just have to remind myself of this. I cannot moderate. It's just not possible.
I told my husband that I was thinking of doing 100 days again. And I even warned my friend C who likes to drink too. We went to a fancy ball last week and I not so jokingly said to her beforehand that I might have to detox after it was all over. Just so she won't be too surprised when I tell her that I'm doing this again.
I'm back reading my sober memoirs. I recently finished 'Blackout' by Sarah Hepola which was excellent. And I'm currently reading 'Bottled: A mom's guide to early recovery' by Dana Bowman which I'm really enjoying. I have been reading all your blogs too btw way and I'm sorry I haven't been commenting, but I just felt too ashamed. But not anymore. It's time to be really honest with myself. I want to try and get to a meeting one of these days.
So, here I am on day 4. And so relieved to be here. I just hope I can keep going.
A x
After 102 days alcohol free I decided that I could drink again. I could go on about how I thought I could moderate after having some sober time under my belt and knowing how good it felt to be hangover free, about how I thought I could manage just one or two drinks instead of the usual bottle, how I might suddenly have an off switch after decades of not having one, but what would be the point? In the end, I succumbed to the wine witch. I guess a part of me doesn't want to admit that, because hey, I'm not an alcoholic right? I just drink too much. Lots of people do. But it's time to face facts and be really honest. Labels don't matter. I just know that I can't go on like this. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I've just had enough. Normal people don't drink a bottle of wine a night. They just don't. They don't feel hungover every morning and live unproductive lives. They don't complain about their lives because they are miserable and it being not fair and yet not doing anything about it. Only I can change my destiny and the first way of doing that is to put down the wine glass.
I know I've been here before. When you feel this miserable it's easy to feel motivated and determined and even to get a month or so of sober time under your belt. It's the staying stopped that I have trouble with. The forever bit. But this time I'm not going to dwell on that. I can't. I just know that I need to stop. Otherwise nothing is going to change and I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life.
So I've signed up to do Belle's 100 day challenge again. Today is day 4 and I am really tired because I haven't been sleeping well without the wine, but I don't care. I just want to get through these first few difficult days and weeks and start to feel better again. I felt so good last time I did the challenge. So stupid to start drinking again.
It's going to be harder this time with Christmas and New Year's around the corner, not to mention the celebrations leading up to it. But I have to be strong. I need to do this.
After finishing my 100 day challenge last time, I managed 102 days. But my mistake was not signing up to more days. So as I said before, I really thought I might be able to moderate this time. And I started off ok. I drank for a few days then had 3 alcohol free days and managed this routine for two weeks. But that's all. I have been drinking EVERY SINGLE DAY since early September. So, if I am ever stupid enough to think I can moderate again I just have to remind myself of this. I cannot moderate. It's just not possible.
I told my husband that I was thinking of doing 100 days again. And I even warned my friend C who likes to drink too. We went to a fancy ball last week and I not so jokingly said to her beforehand that I might have to detox after it was all over. Just so she won't be too surprised when I tell her that I'm doing this again.
I'm back reading my sober memoirs. I recently finished 'Blackout' by Sarah Hepola which was excellent. And I'm currently reading 'Bottled: A mom's guide to early recovery' by Dana Bowman which I'm really enjoying. I have been reading all your blogs too btw way and I'm sorry I haven't been commenting, but I just felt too ashamed. But not anymore. It's time to be really honest with myself. I want to try and get to a meeting one of these days.
So, here I am on day 4. And so relieved to be here. I just hope I can keep going.
A x
Tuesday, 25 August 2015
100 days
Today finds me at 100 days sober. I can't believe how quickly the time went. Life carries on just the same (only better of course) when you aren't drinking alcohol. It really is possible. You can go out to dinner, attend social functions and get through birthdays without wine. Who knew?!
I'm sorry I haven't blogged over the last few weeks. I've been in a real slump. I don't know if it's related to not drinking, ie PAWS, or if it's related to the stress in my life (which is a whole other story for another day) but whatever is causing it, I just can't seem to snap out of it. I've even been considering seeing a doctor and asking for medication. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. It's unbearable. It's like I have a dead weight sitting on my chest and I just feel sad all the time. It's awful!
I have signed into my blog countless times to write but the words just don't come. I just don't have the energy. Which is a shame, because I'd like to have had a record of the whole 100 days.
So where do I go from here? I don't know really. I've been grappling with forever all along and I'm still struggling with it. I do know however, that I don't want to go back to how I was before. Even though I am feeling down I'd rather feel down and not drinking every day than to feeling down plus being hungover and living with shame.
I guess I am all over the place really. I just wanted to let you know that I've managed to not drink for 100 days and I can't quite believe it! 100 days seems endless when you start out on this journey, but it really isn't that long. It's just the blink of an eye really.
My son has been sick the last couple of days with a UTI and he was up to the toilet every hour overnight. And I am so thankful that I wasn't drinking. I have been tired but it's manageable, and I've been able to be fully present for my son in his time of need. I dread to think how it would have been had I been drinking every night, hungover and miserable and resentful no doubt.
Like all problem drinkers, I have many unpleasant drinking stories that have occurred as a result of my drinking. I don't ever want to forget these stories. I want to remember them as a reminder of what I never want to go back to.
I want to keep blogging. Whatever happens over the coming weeks, I want to have this place to can come back to.
A x
I'm sorry I haven't blogged over the last few weeks. I've been in a real slump. I don't know if it's related to not drinking, ie PAWS, or if it's related to the stress in my life (which is a whole other story for another day) but whatever is causing it, I just can't seem to snap out of it. I've even been considering seeing a doctor and asking for medication. I just don't want to feel like this anymore. It's unbearable. It's like I have a dead weight sitting on my chest and I just feel sad all the time. It's awful!
I have signed into my blog countless times to write but the words just don't come. I just don't have the energy. Which is a shame, because I'd like to have had a record of the whole 100 days.
So where do I go from here? I don't know really. I've been grappling with forever all along and I'm still struggling with it. I do know however, that I don't want to go back to how I was before. Even though I am feeling down I'd rather feel down and not drinking every day than to feeling down plus being hungover and living with shame.
I guess I am all over the place really. I just wanted to let you know that I've managed to not drink for 100 days and I can't quite believe it! 100 days seems endless when you start out on this journey, but it really isn't that long. It's just the blink of an eye really.
My son has been sick the last couple of days with a UTI and he was up to the toilet every hour overnight. And I am so thankful that I wasn't drinking. I have been tired but it's manageable, and I've been able to be fully present for my son in his time of need. I dread to think how it would have been had I been drinking every night, hungover and miserable and resentful no doubt.
Like all problem drinkers, I have many unpleasant drinking stories that have occurred as a result of my drinking. I don't ever want to forget these stories. I want to remember them as a reminder of what I never want to go back to.
I want to keep blogging. Whatever happens over the coming weeks, I want to have this place to can come back to.
A x
Wednesday, 5 August 2015
Day 80
Wow! Who would have thought? Certainly not me. 80 days ago I signed up to the 100 day challenge, not really believing in my heart that I could do it. But I wanted to give it a good go. I knew I could do 20 - 30 days. Even 42 at a stretch. But it was getting harder and harder. And I could never keep going. So I thought I'd try 100 days. A good long stretch. But I really wasn't sure if I could do it. No matter I thought, I will give it a try. And here I am, on day 80.
It really does make a difference; being AF for such a lot of days. 30 days isn't long enough to get a real idea of the benefits of not drinking. I am so glad I am doing this, have nearly done it.
But I have to confess, the thought of drinking at the end of my 100 days does pop into my mind from time to time. But I just push them away for now. Crazy I know.
In terms of my sadness (I wrote depression but then deleted it, not sure why?) I am feeling a little better. I still have tearful moments throughout the day, but it's not as bad. It sits in the background, hovering, but I am able to move past it for a while. So hopefully I am getting better. I try not to think about the surgery and what I am going to do. Procrastination is my best friend. Head in the sand, that's me. Dealing with painful emotions is hard, so I try to push them down. I've done it all my life. One day I will explode I'm sure.
Off to dinner with our friends tonight. My friend C has been good about my not drinking, I think she has gotten used to it. We were at her house last weekend for a baby shower and I even told another friend that I wasn't drinking for 100 days. People are a lot more accepting than I thought they'd be. They don't really care actually. I guess it's because they are normal drinkers themselves and have no idea what it's like for problem drinkers.
I'm still waiting for the weight loss to happen. That's the really annoying thing. All those calories from wine not being consumed and I haven't lost any weight. So FRUSTRATING!! I don't get it. I know I'm eating more chocolate, but surely that's not nearly as much calories as a bottle of wine every night? I just don't get it! (It doesn't help that hubby keeps buying chocolate. If it's in the house, I will eat it!)
So that's me. 80 days. Maybe I should get myself a treat?
A x
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