I haven't blogged for a while. I've wanted to but the words wouldn't come. A lot of what I need to say isn't sobriety related so I wondered if I should write it. But I need to get it out, so here I am.
I have been really really down the last week or so and I am struggling to lift myself back up. It started when I had an appointment with a gynecologist for my endometriosis and he told me that I would need another operation (I had one in 2012) and that he also wants to put in an IUD. Now logically, I know the chances of me having another baby are impossible but a part of me always held out hope. I thought there may be a miracle and I would get my much wanted second child. After all, it does happen doesn't it? I have read about it. Women who think they are in menopause but find themselves to be pregnant, a lovely surprise late in life. But deep down I know this won't happen, especially given my medical problems. But by putting in the IUD, it takes my chances away for good, it is so final. And this fills me with a deep sadness. It's all I've been thinking about and I am just so depressed and tearful all the time. It is all consuming. And I don't know what to do.
I am struggling with getting older. I am not ready. I feel like I have wasted half my life and I won't ever get that time back. I am filled with so much regret about the choices I have made in my life. I know I can't change anything and that I am wasting so much energy thinking like this but I can't help it. If only if only if only....things could have been so different.
I know I need to see someone about this. I'm not sure I can deal with this on my own. I haven't spoken to my husband, because I am so used to bottling everything up, but I'm really struggling this time.
I am not drinking. Today I am on day 72. I can't quite believe it! But I've hardly been thinking about not drinking. From time to time I think about drinking when the 100 days are over, but I just put the thoughts aside for now because I still have 28 days left to not drink.
On a positive note, I told my friend C that I'm not drinking for 100 days. We met for coffee after school last Friday and she was asking me if I was still not drinking. So I told her how good I felt, how I am doing this to see if my health improves and if I lose weight, which is all true. And I told her that I'm doing this for 100 days. She thinks I am doing really well. I'm glad I told her, it makes it so much easier.
So that is where I'm at. Not in a good place. But I hope I will feel better soon. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
A x
Tuesday 28 July 2015
Friday 17 July 2015
My almost meeting
So yesterday I was going to go to my first AA meeting. I had it all worked out. I found a meeting in the city at 12.30pm. A bit of a pain to have to go on the train into the city, but at least I won't know anyone there and I can do some window shopping. Before I had the little guy I used to love shopping in the city.
So I drive to the train station, park my car and head up to the platform. I had my met card ready and I could here the train coming. I was on time for once and not having to rush!
But then I realised that I had left something at home (medication for my endo) What to do?! So I considered not worrying about it and still going. After all, I had gotten this far I should keep going. But no, I turned around and went home to get the meds I'd left behind. And of course I now wouldn't make it in time so I had to give it a miss.
And now I'll never know if I would have gone to the meeting if I'd gotten on that train.
I am disappointed in myself. I'm not sure if I used an excuse not to go or if I really would have gone. Guess I'll never know. But I WILL go one day, soon.
Mum is coming to today to stay for a few days. This always stresses me out. But I suspect it is because I am usually drinking wine every night and trying not to notice mums disapproving eye. Plus, hangovers always make me short tempered and impatient, so that's probably another reason. This time, I won't be drinking so it will be interesting to see if I get less stressed. I'm pretty sure it's a given! But sometimes mum just rubs me up the wrong way, so we'll see what happens. I will let you know! I probably won't get the chance to come on here much but I'll do my best to pop in and read my favourite blogs.
We went late night shopping last night and had a bite to eat at the same time. Usually I would be impatient to get home so I can open the wine and get stuck into it. No such problems last night! At one point, hubby took the little guy to the toilet so I sat down to rest my feet and wait for them. To pass the time I hopped on my phone to see if there were any new blog posts to read and came across SoberMummy's. When I read about Jane Green's new book being about a woman who has a drinking problem I was so excited. I love Jane Green and have most of her books. So I went to Big W and looked for it but it didn't look like they had it. But then I saw it in the new release section. And it had a bonus second book so I got them both for $16. I was rapt! I would often get 2 bottles of wine for that price, so it was a good feeling knowing that I would have something to show for my money. I started reading it last night and am enjoying it already. It's a nice change from the more serious sober memoirs I've been reading of late.
Anyway, I'd better go and straighten up a bit. Mum should be here soon and I have to at least make the beds!
A x
So I drive to the train station, park my car and head up to the platform. I had my met card ready and I could here the train coming. I was on time for once and not having to rush!
But then I realised that I had left something at home (medication for my endo) What to do?! So I considered not worrying about it and still going. After all, I had gotten this far I should keep going. But no, I turned around and went home to get the meds I'd left behind. And of course I now wouldn't make it in time so I had to give it a miss.
And now I'll never know if I would have gone to the meeting if I'd gotten on that train.
I am disappointed in myself. I'm not sure if I used an excuse not to go or if I really would have gone. Guess I'll never know. But I WILL go one day, soon.
Mum is coming to today to stay for a few days. This always stresses me out. But I suspect it is because I am usually drinking wine every night and trying not to notice mums disapproving eye. Plus, hangovers always make me short tempered and impatient, so that's probably another reason. This time, I won't be drinking so it will be interesting to see if I get less stressed. I'm pretty sure it's a given! But sometimes mum just rubs me up the wrong way, so we'll see what happens. I will let you know! I probably won't get the chance to come on here much but I'll do my best to pop in and read my favourite blogs.
We went late night shopping last night and had a bite to eat at the same time. Usually I would be impatient to get home so I can open the wine and get stuck into it. No such problems last night! At one point, hubby took the little guy to the toilet so I sat down to rest my feet and wait for them. To pass the time I hopped on my phone to see if there were any new blog posts to read and came across SoberMummy's. When I read about Jane Green's new book being about a woman who has a drinking problem I was so excited. I love Jane Green and have most of her books. So I went to Big W and looked for it but it didn't look like they had it. But then I saw it in the new release section. And it had a bonus second book so I got them both for $16. I was rapt! I would often get 2 bottles of wine for that price, so it was a good feeling knowing that I would have something to show for my money. I started reading it last night and am enjoying it already. It's a nice change from the more serious sober memoirs I've been reading of late.
Anyway, I'd better go and straighten up a bit. Mum should be here soon and I have to at least make the beds!
A x
Thursday 16 July 2015
Thinking of going to a meeting
Today is day 60. I can't quite believe it! I think I will get myself something special to mark the occasion.
I have been thinking of going to an AA meeting. But I'm a little afraid. A part of me wants to get a chip to mark my 60 days but I feel guilty going just for that. But I'd also like to see what they are all about. I want to go somewhere where I will be anonymous and where there will be now chance anyone will know me, which means going to one outside my suburb. I'm thinking of going today. We will see. I have the address of a meeting in the city for 12.30pm. I will let you know what happens.
I feel like I should have lots to say but my mind has gone blank. Maybe I'm just tired.
I bought the book 'Blackout - Remembering the things I drank to forget' by Sarah Hepola. I've only just started reading it but it's good so far. I have ordered another book called 'Best Kept Secret' by Amy Hatvany (thanks SM for the recommendation) so I'm looking forward to reading that. I also have 'How to lead a happier, healthier, and alcohol-free life' by Lucy Rocca to read. I love getting new books to put on my shelf. I have quite a selection now! I am still reading 'Dry' by Ann Dowsett Johnston, but I put it down a while ago and got side tracked. I will finish it one day. Oh, and I also have 'Glass Half Full' also by Lucy Rocca so looking forward to that one as well. So I have plenty of books to keep me going for a while!
Mum is in town and is coming to stay with us for a few days. I think she is coming on Saturday. It will be interesting to see if she makes any comments about my not drinking. She thinks I'm doing an unofficial Dry July. I'm not sure if I'll tell her otherwise. I think I will wait and see and play it by ear. I have always been close to mum but lately I have felt a divide. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's just me getting older. I don't know. I hope we have some quality time together this visit.
One of my favourite Australian tv shows resumed this week. There is a character who nearly died after rescuing a woman from a fire, and it looks like he is developing a drinking problem. It will be interesting to see how they deal with the story line. I hope they do it justice. But being a tv show, I wouldn't be surprised if they get it wrong!
Anyway, I'd better get going. I'm going to head into the city and try and get the courage to go to a meeting.
A x
I have been thinking of going to an AA meeting. But I'm a little afraid. A part of me wants to get a chip to mark my 60 days but I feel guilty going just for that. But I'd also like to see what they are all about. I want to go somewhere where I will be anonymous and where there will be now chance anyone will know me, which means going to one outside my suburb. I'm thinking of going today. We will see. I have the address of a meeting in the city for 12.30pm. I will let you know what happens.
I feel like I should have lots to say but my mind has gone blank. Maybe I'm just tired.
I bought the book 'Blackout - Remembering the things I drank to forget' by Sarah Hepola. I've only just started reading it but it's good so far. I have ordered another book called 'Best Kept Secret' by Amy Hatvany (thanks SM for the recommendation) so I'm looking forward to reading that. I also have 'How to lead a happier, healthier, and alcohol-free life' by Lucy Rocca to read. I love getting new books to put on my shelf. I have quite a selection now! I am still reading 'Dry' by Ann Dowsett Johnston, but I put it down a while ago and got side tracked. I will finish it one day. Oh, and I also have 'Glass Half Full' also by Lucy Rocca so looking forward to that one as well. So I have plenty of books to keep me going for a while!
Mum is in town and is coming to stay with us for a few days. I think she is coming on Saturday. It will be interesting to see if she makes any comments about my not drinking. She thinks I'm doing an unofficial Dry July. I'm not sure if I'll tell her otherwise. I think I will wait and see and play it by ear. I have always been close to mum but lately I have felt a divide. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's just me getting older. I don't know. I hope we have some quality time together this visit.
One of my favourite Australian tv shows resumed this week. There is a character who nearly died after rescuing a woman from a fire, and it looks like he is developing a drinking problem. It will be interesting to see how they deal with the story line. I hope they do it justice. But being a tv show, I wouldn't be surprised if they get it wrong!
Anyway, I'd better get going. I'm going to head into the city and try and get the courage to go to a meeting.
A x
Saturday 11 July 2015
What was I thinking?
Last night, before we went out to dinner, my husband told me that he wasn't going to drink. I said to him "go on, you can have a drink. I'm driving" Then he told me that he hadn't had a drink all week and that he might not drink for a month. And do you know what I said? "Why? You don't drink that much. You're ok" or something like that. And the funny thing was, instead of feeling proud of him for considering it, I felt funny about it. And I'm not sure why. It's like not drinking is MY thing. It's MY special thing. If he does it too, it might make it less so. I don't know what's wrong with me! I should be really happy he wants to do this. I will have to have a think about this, work out why my reaction was the way it was. And if he brings it up again, I am going to support him. I mean, what the hell?!! What was I thinking?!
Anyway, he ended up having a couple of beers. One of them got knocked over and he said it was a sign that he wasn't supposed to drink that night!
I made sure I had a diet coke on the table before my friend C arrived, just so she could see that I wasn't having wine. She asked me if I was still not drinking and I said yes, and that was that. I think she realises that I'm serious about it. At one point she was admiring my ring and I told her that I treated myself, that it was a gift to myself for being AF for 30 days. She said that was great. And then I told her that I'm not drinking because my endometriosis is bad again and alcohol is a no no. And that is actually true. I hadn't thought of that before. It's true, and it's a perfectly valid reason to be not drinking. She had a few sparkling wines and it didn't matter that I wasn't drinking. We had a great night, great conversation and I didn't feel like I was missing out at all.
Have a great weekend.
A x
Anyway, he ended up having a couple of beers. One of them got knocked over and he said it was a sign that he wasn't supposed to drink that night!
I made sure I had a diet coke on the table before my friend C arrived, just so she could see that I wasn't having wine. She asked me if I was still not drinking and I said yes, and that was that. I think she realises that I'm serious about it. At one point she was admiring my ring and I told her that I treated myself, that it was a gift to myself for being AF for 30 days. She said that was great. And then I told her that I'm not drinking because my endometriosis is bad again and alcohol is a no no. And that is actually true. I hadn't thought of that before. It's true, and it's a perfectly valid reason to be not drinking. She had a few sparkling wines and it didn't matter that I wasn't drinking. We had a great night, great conversation and I didn't feel like I was missing out at all.
Have a great weekend.
A x
Friday 10 July 2015
Day 54
I'm back home after a lovely week in the country with my family. I'm sorry I haven't responded to the comments on my last post. It was hard to blog in a household full of people!
It was frustrating having mum refer to my not drinking as 'doing my no wine thing' and 'Dry Julying'. But in fairness to her, she doesn't know the real story. She doesn't know because I haven't told her. She knows I drank too much, and wanted me to cut down. But I didn't come out and give a big announcement. I didn't want any fuss, and I guess I don't want people to know how bad it was. How bad I was. I still can't admit it to myself half the time. So, in the end it doesn't matter that mum didn't give me credit for not drinking. The main thing is that I'm not drinking.
I was really pleased to see my brother cutting down on his alcohol intake. I didn't get a chance to have a good chat with him about it, but I did tell him that I'm not drinking for 100 days. I was hoping I might inspire him. But I wish I had had a chance to talk to him some more. To find out what he is thinking. It was just hard with 14 people in the house! He really needs help to stop drinking as he is physically dependent. He would need a medically supervised detox. But at least he is thinking about his drinking. That's a start.
I thought I might have some cravings whilst away but I didn't. I won't lie though, I did think a couple of times that it would be nice to have a glass of wine around the camp fire. But then I told myself that it wouldn't have been one glass and I would have felt dreadful in the morning. So they were just fleeting thoughts really, not cravings as such.
It feels good to know I can go on a holiday and not drink. Okay, so it wasn't a beach holiday in the summer but it was still a holiday. I usually drink heaps when I'm at mums and last visit I even hid bottles of wine under the bed. So to know I don't need to drink whist up there feels good.
Tonight we are going out to dinner with my friend C and her hubby and son. I enjoy going out with them. I am going to have to be firm though and tell her that I am not drinking for an extended period. Hopefully she will get it and not pressure me to drink.
Today is day 54. Can you believe it?!! I can't. I never thought I would get this far. It feels so good.
A x
It was frustrating having mum refer to my not drinking as 'doing my no wine thing' and 'Dry Julying'. But in fairness to her, she doesn't know the real story. She doesn't know because I haven't told her. She knows I drank too much, and wanted me to cut down. But I didn't come out and give a big announcement. I didn't want any fuss, and I guess I don't want people to know how bad it was. How bad I was. I still can't admit it to myself half the time. So, in the end it doesn't matter that mum didn't give me credit for not drinking. The main thing is that I'm not drinking.
I was really pleased to see my brother cutting down on his alcohol intake. I didn't get a chance to have a good chat with him about it, but I did tell him that I'm not drinking for 100 days. I was hoping I might inspire him. But I wish I had had a chance to talk to him some more. To find out what he is thinking. It was just hard with 14 people in the house! He really needs help to stop drinking as he is physically dependent. He would need a medically supervised detox. But at least he is thinking about his drinking. That's a start.
I thought I might have some cravings whilst away but I didn't. I won't lie though, I did think a couple of times that it would be nice to have a glass of wine around the camp fire. But then I told myself that it wouldn't have been one glass and I would have felt dreadful in the morning. So they were just fleeting thoughts really, not cravings as such.
It feels good to know I can go on a holiday and not drink. Okay, so it wasn't a beach holiday in the summer but it was still a holiday. I usually drink heaps when I'm at mums and last visit I even hid bottles of wine under the bed. So to know I don't need to drink whist up there feels good.
Tonight we are going out to dinner with my friend C and her hubby and son. I enjoy going out with them. I am going to have to be firm though and tell her that I am not drinking for an extended period. Hopefully she will get it and not pressure me to drink.
Today is day 54. Can you believe it?!! I can't. I never thought I would get this far. It feels so good.
A x
Thursday 2 July 2015
A bit frustrated
So, I was helping mum with the roast dinner last night when she asks me 'are you doing your no wine thing?' To which I muttered something like 'yes, I'm having a bit of a break'. But I honestly can't remember what I said (and it was only last night!!) It just threw me I guess. The casual way she said it, like it was no big deal, like it was a bit of fad, not to be taken too seriously, really annoyed me. On the one hand, I don't want to make a big deal about it. I don't want to come out and say 'mum, I have a drinking problem and am trying to stop' because that would be admitting to her that I have a problem. But at the same time, some recognition would be good. Mum gave me such a hard time last time I was here and drinking a bottle of wine every night, you'd think she would at least say 'that's great Angela, well done'. And when I think how much I have agonised over the last couple of years about cutting down and then stopping drinking, about how exhausting it is to be constantly thinking about drinking; the planning, the hangovers and all consuming nature of a drinking problem, to have it reduced to 'a wine thing' just really really annoyed me.
I know this is my problem, not my mums. She just made an innocent comment. And I am contradicting myself by saying I don't want to make a big deal about it but at the same time I want some recognition. I'm probably not even making any sense here. But I need to get it off my chest so here I am.
I've spoken about my brother before, the one with the serious drinking problem. We all worry about him. Anyway, he seems to be really trying to cut down and is even talking about doing an unofficial Dry July, which is fantastic! Mum keeps saying how well he is doing, which is great too. But I feel like stomping my foot and saying 'what about me?!' I guess it's my fault because I haven't made an announcement. I haven't come out and said 'hey everyone, I'm giving up drinking'. I feel like a petulant 15 year old who has the sulks. What's wrong with me?!
This is a big deal to me. It is constantly on my mind. But I have to remind myself that other people aren't mind readers and unless I tell them, they can't possibly know what I am going through.
It's funny how different a relationship mothers have with their sons than their daughters. I know I get treated differently than my 3 brothers. It can be a good thing, but also a bad thing. I feel like she makes allowances for my brothers whereas she is harder on me. I don't know, maybe I'm imagining it.
Anyway, I could go on and on all day. God forbid I delve too deeply into my emotions, I might have to actually deal with them! Something I DO need to do, but not today. Not here.
It's freezing here today and it's raining. So an inside day in front of the fire. Lovely.
Day 46.
A x
I know this is my problem, not my mums. She just made an innocent comment. And I am contradicting myself by saying I don't want to make a big deal about it but at the same time I want some recognition. I'm probably not even making any sense here. But I need to get it off my chest so here I am.
I've spoken about my brother before, the one with the serious drinking problem. We all worry about him. Anyway, he seems to be really trying to cut down and is even talking about doing an unofficial Dry July, which is fantastic! Mum keeps saying how well he is doing, which is great too. But I feel like stomping my foot and saying 'what about me?!' I guess it's my fault because I haven't made an announcement. I haven't come out and said 'hey everyone, I'm giving up drinking'. I feel like a petulant 15 year old who has the sulks. What's wrong with me?!
This is a big deal to me. It is constantly on my mind. But I have to remind myself that other people aren't mind readers and unless I tell them, they can't possibly know what I am going through.
It's funny how different a relationship mothers have with their sons than their daughters. I know I get treated differently than my 3 brothers. It can be a good thing, but also a bad thing. I feel like she makes allowances for my brothers whereas she is harder on me. I don't know, maybe I'm imagining it.
Anyway, I could go on and on all day. God forbid I delve too deeply into my emotions, I might have to actually deal with them! Something I DO need to do, but not today. Not here.
It's freezing here today and it's raining. So an inside day in front of the fire. Lovely.
Day 46.
A x
Wednesday 1 July 2015
In the country
Sorry, I have been a bit absent this week. I'm in the country at mums and don't get much chance to sit and read blogs in peace.
So, day 3 here and feeling great. Mum hasn't said a thing about me not drinking. A part of me is annoyed but I'm also glad because I don't want to make a big deal out of it and have to explain myself. My brother is not drinking much which is great. He says he is going to try and not drink in July. We will see. I'm just glad he is doing something. He didn't drink much last night and seemed ok. I told him I am doing Dry July but not officially. I will try and talk to him about it more if I get a chance. It's difficult with so many of us in the house.
It feels wonderful to be here and not drinking. To be waking up hangover free. I've had sleep-ins, which are lovely (thanks mum!) and the days still seem longer. I am just so much more present. And not cranky and impatient like I am when I am drinking. So much better all round.
I was reading SoberMummy's blog about how drinking borrows tomorrows happiness. It's so true. I too came across this expression a while back and was going to blog about it (great minds think alike!) I have a slip of paper in my wallet that says 'Drinking steals happiness from tomorrow'. I get it out and read it to remind myself why drinking isn't a good idea. Whenever I think how nice a glass of wine would be I think of this expression and it really helps. Drinking steals so much from you.
Anyway, I'd better be off. I don't want my family to ask me what I am writing!!
Day 45.
A x
So, day 3 here and feeling great. Mum hasn't said a thing about me not drinking. A part of me is annoyed but I'm also glad because I don't want to make a big deal out of it and have to explain myself. My brother is not drinking much which is great. He says he is going to try and not drink in July. We will see. I'm just glad he is doing something. He didn't drink much last night and seemed ok. I told him I am doing Dry July but not officially. I will try and talk to him about it more if I get a chance. It's difficult with so many of us in the house.
It feels wonderful to be here and not drinking. To be waking up hangover free. I've had sleep-ins, which are lovely (thanks mum!) and the days still seem longer. I am just so much more present. And not cranky and impatient like I am when I am drinking. So much better all round.
I was reading SoberMummy's blog about how drinking borrows tomorrows happiness. It's so true. I too came across this expression a while back and was going to blog about it (great minds think alike!) I have a slip of paper in my wallet that says 'Drinking steals happiness from tomorrow'. I get it out and read it to remind myself why drinking isn't a good idea. Whenever I think how nice a glass of wine would be I think of this expression and it really helps. Drinking steals so much from you.
Anyway, I'd better be off. I don't want my family to ask me what I am writing!!
Day 45.
A x
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