So, I have the first Easter off work for years and instead of looking at the excitement on my sons face when he opened his Easter present and doing the egg hunt, I was in bed with a raging hangover. This is not how it's supposed to be. I feel so ashamed.
I've been drinking since the end of February. I did febfast and lasted 23 days but when we got to Queensland the temptation was too strong and I started drinking again. I think I had already talked myself believing that I couldn't possibly NOT drink whilst on holiday, therefore giving myself permission to drink. Which I did, every night for the two weeks we were away. Nothing disastrous happened. I woke with a sore head a couple of times but otherwise I was fine. And yet I wasn't. I wasn't at my best and I was disappointed that I couldn't at least finish febfast. It was only 5 more days.
So, back from my holiday and I tried to moderate, not drinking during the week. Which worked for a couple of weeks. Then my son and I drove up to visit mum in the country for a week and I've been drinking every night. Because I'm on holidays and I deserve it. Then my brothers and my husband arrived yesterday and they were drinking so I did too, even more than the previous nights. Hence my raging hangover today. I feel so sick and ashamed. I so hate this. All because I can't handle the thought of having to stop forever. Because I can't deal with forever I am living this awful existence and I'm sick of it. And yet I know that the day will pass and I will start to feel better and then I'll drink again tonight. How much longer can I keep doing this?
I feel your pain. I did this to myself a few nights ago. The hangover the next day was one of the worst I've ever had. My body is telling me to get of the merry-go-round, and I hope the part of my brain that wants to quit can stay stronger than the other part that urges me to drink again. I've had a few days now and feel so much better. I really don't want to go back there. Keep trying! Happy Easter :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Heidi. You are so right. It does feel we are on a merry-go-round. One that never ends. Today is another day 1. But how long can I last for? A x
DeleteI am happy to see you back. Let this be your new start. There is a lot of living to do!
ReplyDeleteAnne
Thank you Anne. I would dearly love to live a happy and fulfilled life and know I can't do this as long as I'm drinking. I need to cut out the excuses. A x
DeleteI remember many hungover Easters when my boys were growing up. I'm 53 years old now and my kids are grown and, oh, how I wish I could have all those Easters back.
ReplyDeleteIt took me until I was 49 to quit drinking. Maybe if I could have thrown out those oft repeated phrases, those excuses to drink, it wouldn't have taken so long. I now know.
I never needed a drink.
I never deserved a drink.
No problem was made better by drinking.
Nor was any holiday.
My drinking did affect my kids life, they are adults and I'm still seeing the aftereffects.
Yes, I was as bad as so and so.
I hope you feel better tomorrow, I hope you feel stronger, I do not hope that you feel that you were making a big deal about nothing. Your child's childhood is not nothing. I know you want to give them the best, just like I did. But you can't do that if you drink. My kids deserved better, so do yours, It's not too late for yours.
Thank you Kary May. You are so right. All the excuses I have made over the years in order to drink, it makes me feel ashamed. I will never get this time back with my son. I need to be making the most of this time with him. I already feel as though I have missed out on so much. I need to become stronger and not giving in all the time. A x
DeleteYour son is still young. My kids were 8 and 10 when I quit. It is very clear to me now that they were being impacted by the drinking around them. Especially by me, as I was just so unhappy and disappointed with myself all the time.
DeleteThey completely love and support me now, yoga, meditation, calm mother. Who openly discussed behaviour, alcohol, depression and listens. If that had been the only gift of sobriety it would have been worth the effort.
Anne
I know my drinking must affect my son. How could it not? He is 8 now and getting to an age where he will soon realise that alcohol changes me. Why isn't having a child enough to make you stop straight away? I know all about being unhappy and disappointed with myself. It's there all the time.
Delete